Never again...

I dreamt of Andy the other day. It surprised me. The dream evoked some dormant feelings that I have yet to confront and truthfully, I don't think I want to. It may seem cowardly and that I am in denial - which I am, but part of me argues that it is in the past and there's no need to bring it up again.

What he has done to me has left a gaping wound. It has made me wary of trusting another partner or person so much that I was floating around from relationship to relationship in the years we were fighting and apart.

I know I have no one else to blame for this but myself - because I let him do it to me. I let myself feel bitter and not confront my feelings about this when I know I clearly should.

But I still won't do it.

Why?

I am not sure what I want from this. Sometimes are best left unsaid. I don't need Pandora's box open. Besides, I don't think whatever that results from this will be that all positive.

So Andy, if you ever read this, these are the reasons why I would not want to. Never again...

1. Fukuko and Yukiko Suzuki - enough said. If there are already two women that you hid and never told me about and yet I was able to find out, I can't even begin to imagine how many more are there that I don't know of. Plus I asked you repeatedly about Fukuko and you constantly denied it and called me paranoid.

Let's not forget that little Emily Bremmer thing you had in the early stages of moving to Colorado. Don't think I never found out.

2. Double standards - you can do it but I can't? And you expect me to forgive you just for that just because I, too have done it before? Rules cannot be set like that and broken. You cannot tell someone not to do this and do it yourself. You have to live with your own guilt. I can't help you with that. If you feels like crap, well trust me, I know how it feels like. But you'll probably have it worse. At least I had the guts to step up and admit it. You were my role model and yet you couldn't bring yourself to do the right thing but always wanted me to. I know it was for my own good. But, seriously.

3. Phone calls - How do you expect me to be with you when you barely picked up of my calls? Your damned paranoia about random ppl calling you up to sucker you into things is just an excuse - and you know that. It's not like you don't know I'll be calling on your birthday, Christmas Day,Valentine's and New Year's Day because I have been doing that for the umpteen years that we were together.

Plus, out of the seven years, you've have only called me ONCE. Wow.

4. My birthday - I remember you specifically saying that it wasn't a matter of forgetting but more of never remembering it in the first place. 8 years, Andy... 8 years... you'd think that somehow or rather you could at least have the initiative to remember it once. You never did care about dates even though you know that I cared - the worst part of it was hearing you say that "It's not so much of forgetting, it's more of never bothering to remember in the first place."

You knew how much it bugged me. You knew how much it meant to me. But, you never bothered... AT ALL.

I knew how much you didn't really care, so I didn't bother you too much about it.

I mean, seriously.

5. Anniversaries - I need not repeat myself after all that birthday crap.

6. What difference does it make? - Let me tell you what difference it makes. Towards the end you really didn't care about me anymore, in fact you ignored me and asked me that questions since we barely spoke online.

I hate to say this but this is what I'm going to ask you now, Andy - What difference does it make?

7. Support - you knew how attached I was to my bunny and yet when my bunny died you didn't even bother to offer me any solace or support.

I was changing jobs and moving to a different state for it and you didn't bother to find out and then lashed out saying that I didn't tell you, which I did. You just never noticed.

8. Sincerity - You could have done a lot of things differently to show it but you didn't. It irked the crap outta me when you had a chance to meet up with my best friend but made no real initiative. Instead you flaked on her.

Plus, if you really wanted to be together, you would've come to visit me after you finished school and before moving back to your parents home. But you didn't.

Then you could have gotten a job transfer to Australia while I was still in school. But you didn't.

Instead you only visited me because you had a 3-day layover in Malaysia. If it weren't for that layover, I don't think you would've even came here at all.

9. A real relationship - we live on opposite sides of the globe. While a long distance webcamming relationship worked when we were in school... we're both adults now... continuing a long distance webcamming relationship is just plain sad. I want a real relationship.

10. Interest - You knows less about my family than I know about your family... and there's only ONE person in my family. I know your parents and sister's full names. You don't even know my parents names. I don't think you even knows what my mom's first name is, let alone my dad's.

11. Commitment - You gives me no sense of commitment or security. Andy, you say you want to be with me but you don't want to commit. Don't go telling me your Ferrari dealership story because at least other people are offering me a Ferrari, whether or not they're really giving it to me is one thing but at least they're offering it to me. They're also showing it to me, asking me what color I want it in, letting me customize, touch, sit it and drive it. You on the other hand, are going to Ferrari dealerships telling them you want to buy a Ferrari but refuse to put a down payment or pay instalments for it. Things don't work that way.