Christmas Eve Dinner

Went over to the puppy's for Christmas Eve dinner and same as every year, I head over there in the arvo to help out

So the bunny and big bro toiled over peeling, chopping, slicing and dicing......

The extra tough pumpkin that took me forever to slice.... even Mr Kitchen man took his tools off to a corner to hide!

Anyways, as I was saying, while we were toiling away, the puppy was doing this O_o

(Clockwise Top L-R: Stuffed turkey with bacon strips, honey glazed ham with pineapples, pigs in a blanket and oven roasted brussel sprouts with beets)

The whole works. A table for fourteen!

Someone picked this up and said 'OMG you have a Jewish drink???'

Anne who showed us a magic trick earlier decided to test out our IQs. Needless to say, we ALL failed miserably :P

And right after that.... SCRABBLE time!!! iStyle :P

Look at the amount of Apple products these people have

Even the dogs were bloody content after the whole meal!

Merry Christmas everybody!!!

A day in the life of an ordinary Malaysian — By Mariam Mokhtar

DEC 14 — I wake up and retrieve the newspaper lodged in the letter-box. My “Keling paper” has delivered it faithfully, come rain or shine.

I go to the kitchen and make breakfast. Into the toaster goes the bread sent to my home, the previous afternoon, by my “Keling roti”. It has been made by the local bakers, the FBI — Federal Bakery Ipoh — owned by a mamak.

But if I am out for breakfast, it is usually a roti canai at my local Indian’s. Followed by a char koi snack from “auntie”, a Chinese lady.

Halfway through the morning, the sound of a horn alerts me that Ah Fatt, our “grocer on wheels”, has arrived. He brings me fresh vegetables, fish and the usual dried condiments.

Once a month, our local “Keling botol” comes round to collect our empty bottles. Our “Cina paper” too comes to collect the old newspapers.

My neighbour comes round with some pisang grown in her garden. She is Indian, married to a Chinese policeman. I am grateful for his tips on how to keep my house secure. When my ubi kayu harvest is plentiful, I’d go round and return her kind gesture.

I have a gardener. His name is Velu. From the name, you can guess he is Indian. He is much adored by my children. If my son is not in his room, I know where to find him — under the mango tree, in the garden, sharing chapatti, dhall and “tapau” teh tarik with Velu. I told my son off for demolishing Velu’s packed breakfast, but Velu was happy to share his meal. Both were sporting toothless grins — Velu has no teeth and can’t afford dentures. My toddler has just lost his two front teeth.

I’ve no idea what they chat and laugh about. Sometimes not a lot of gardening gets done. But who cares? At least they're happy. When Velu died, my son was distraught. He had been with our family for decades and refused to be pensioned off.

My general practitioner for the usual coughs and colds is Chinese. All women have a gynaecologist — mine is Indian.

And my dentist is Chinese.. These people provided services to my parents in the past, and I simply carried on with them. No complaints. Good service. Reasonable fee.

I did go to a Malay doctor once, but he was more interested in “tackling” my younger sister. I dismissed his lack of professionalism as testosterone driven. He was still a bachelor then.... And on the second visit, years later, he was fishing for information about other members of my family. One personal question might be excusable. But twice is too much of a coincidence. I never did return to him. In my eyes, his professional conduct was compromised by these intrusions. I know I shouldn’t be generalising, but this was my personal experience.When I had to be admitted to hospital, the surgeon who operated on me was Indian. The nurses were either Chinese or Indian.

I once had to use the services of a lawyer — an Indian.

The person who supplies me with stationery is a Chinese woman married to an Indian man. She once supplied my father’s business with his office stationery needs.

When I once had a leaky water tank, the plumber who successfully mended it was an Indian. He now takes care of all the house’s plumbing repairs. He was my parents’ plumber too.When my house needed new electrical wiring, the electrician was a Chinese person. When I needed outside electrical work to be done, the electrician was Indian. Both had provided long-term services to the family.

Before Raya, I would go to my Chinese tailor to make my baju kurung. My hair is cut by a Chinese woman. As before, these people once supplied my mother, all her tailoring and hair-grooming requirements. My father’s barber is an Indian.

Again, before Raya, my mother’s Chinese friends at work would send tins of “love letters”, kueh kapit, for us to enjoy and serve at our open house. And early on Raya day itself, several plates of pie tee would arrive and my father’s Indian colleagues would send a big pot of chicken curry and putu mayam. The dining table groans with our rendang and the contributions from our friends, of all races and religions.

For several decades, until my parents were too old and infirm to receive guests, we would have an open house that was a riot of people sporting various national costumes. A real melting point — a true reflection of Malaysia.

These people once provided my grandparents and my parents essential services. Either that or they were colleagues at work, or friends from their younger days. They, who have grown old alongside my grandparents and parents. And now, people are telling me that these non-Malays, whom I have grown up with and who have remained friends, through thick and thin, are second-class citizens..?

That they do not deserve to be Malaysians? That they are far inferior to me?

So am I to believe that should my neighbour’s husband, a Chinese, make the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty, that his life is not as valuable as a Malay policeman’s?

Who are these self-serving, self-righteous bigots kidding?

Thank you

For not answering my texts from 10.50pm till the time I got home

For making me worried

For making me doubt when I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt

For pissing me off...

Thank you

home alone

I'm home alone for these few days. The puppy has gone back home to get the Volvo fixed and to see his chiropractor.

It feels odd being here alone.

I know I've been living here for over 10 months but it's still not really my place, if you know what I mean.

The house is so quiet... :(

Hun... come home quick...

Setting my expectations straight

As usual, on monthly anniversaries, he doesn't mention anything. Not even a special bear hug or anything. Me on the other hand, used to wake him up and snuggle down and wish him Happy xx Month.

It's a big deal for me. Yeah I know, sue me why don't you. But things like these matter to me because it's a sign of how far we've come.

Truthfully... these signs never fail to amaze me. I'm sure you would've noticed after reading my blog again and again.

The last two months, I didn't mention anything, and he didn't. Instead I made sure we have like a special cooked meal or we do something that we don't normally do. But I stopped mentioning. Just to see his reaction. Just as I thought - nada... zilch...

This time around - 10 months. I didn't say anything either. Neither did he. I was annoyed. To me (and I would guess most females) it's like 'Do you not care? Do you not remember???'

I'm not asking for the whole flowers, chocolate, romantic dinner shindig. I'm asking for a bit of recognition that you are glad that I am in your life because I sure as hell am glad that I have you in my life. That's all. Of course if the whole shindig thing comes up that'll be great but then again it's a monthly thing, I don't expect it, I am female after all.

So I threw a mini fit when I got home. He looked at me and said "Oh yeah! 10 months!" and that was it. So I continued to throw a fit - silent protest. Because let's face it, at the end of the day it's not that big a deal but I want him to know that it means something to me.

I asked a dreaded (or at least what I think was dreaded) question "Is it a guy thing or is it just a you thing that you don't remember?"

"It's not that I don't remember. It's just that I don't count by the months, it's so high school, hun..."

"So you count by years?"

"Yeah,"

Which is a bit odd because we haven't even gotten to a year and he's planning in the long run? But then again it's a good thing that he's planning in the long run.

So I had to set MY expectations straight.

"So you're saying, days and months... you don't do that any more... it's years now....? Because I need to set my own expectations straight. I don't want to have to constantly hope for something that's not going to happen..."

So we set some ground rules. It's the years that count. Not the days or the months. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just not his style. Just like doing hundred-day counts and monthly things, it'll just be my own thing.

At least now I know not to be pissed when he doesn't seem to remember.

But you know what... I had just realized something that I've always known since the beginning of our relationship - I don't care about it all as long as we're together... and right now, he's driving home because Biggie (our Volvo) is due for servicing and needs some stuff checked up as well... all that stuff that I mentioned earlier (which I should mention, I wrote earlier on today as a draft) pales in comparison to what I feel right now.

It's odd. He'll only be gone for two days.

Yet I feel so lost without him here.

I feel so alone...

Honey... come home quick :'( I miss you

Keeping it sane...

I finally understand the need for a routined life. Prior to this I used to wonder - why do we live like ants. Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, unwind, sleep and repeat it all over again the next day. Is it the familiarity of a routine that gives us some sense of security? Is it the that we fear society pressure? Is it the mundaness that makes the other things in life seem more interesting?

I never understood it. But gave in to it anyways. Better to go with the flow. It's not something I want to waste my energy and focus on battling the flow. Why not. Besides, it's not like it makes my life miserable.

This morning my mother called up with sad news. My dog - Benji had passed on in his sleep. He was not feeling too well earlier for the past week. Battling an infection, he had thrown up whatever he ate. As a result, he was reduced to a frail old dog. Dr Gilbert had told us that he may not make it (considering that he's already 14 human years) because of his age and that we should be prepared. Day by day mom slowly nursed him, encouraged him and coddled him, but he refused to eat.

She had called up the clinic and told Dr Gilbert what happened. He said he'll send someone over at about 9-ish.

I feel quite distraught and relieved at the same time. I'm glad that he doesn't have to suffer any more. I'm glad that he's finally at peace. I'm glad that he doesn't feel any more pain. But at the same time I miss my little brown dog so much. I've had him since I was 12.

I cried uncontrollably. Colin cradled and hushed me after I got off the phone with mom. Then my alarm rang. I just got out of bed and did my morning routine with tears creeping down my cheeks.

As I took off for work, I kissed Colin on the forehead and said as usual, "Hun, I'm going to work now..." he opened his eyes and stared at me. "Bun, are you okay?" I nodded and turned towards the door. He sat up in bed instantly, looking at me, "Bun... are you sure you're alright?" I turned my face towards him but my eyes were on the ground. "Yeah, I'm fine..." and I walked out.

I walked down to the carpark, got into my car and drove to work. As I was driving, that was when I realized, why we need routines. To keep us sane. Because we like a sense of control and being controlled. If I had no routine, I'd be a mess right now. My routine is keeping me sane. Keeping me from remembering. Keeping me from reliving memories. Keeping me in my skin. Keeping me from crying uncontrollably. Keeping me from driving all the way back home and burying my Benji Boy.

I'm fine for now. I have my routine to occupy my mind. I have work. I have other responsibilities because of society's pressure. Now that I have not much time to myself, I'm fine. I can keep things under control.

But later when I get home and I will have no routine... that's when I will break down. I'm anticipating it. In a way, I can't wait. I feel the pent up sadness waiting to come out. I feel the need to mourn for my Benji boy...

Mom just texted me. Dr Gilbert came personally to pick Benji boy up this morning at 9-ish. Bo was pissed and kept growling at him for 'taking' Benji away. Poor thing. I don't think she understands.

Benji - I love you boy :) You're the best dog anyone could ever have. Handsome, patient, giving and loving. Above all, you were the prince of my heart.

Rest Ben-ben... rest... good boy *pat*

Benjamin

1994 - 2009

That's me and Benji boy about 3 years back"Another picture???""Come mom... let me help you with gardening!"

biadap, tetap biadap

I came across this blog entry by Anas Zubedy and I can't help but agree with him. He has a point. Pissed as we all are about the decisions being made about the political scene and no matter how much we disagree with Tuanku's decision... were we ever brought up to be biadap like that? It is seriously not our culture to be that rude, crude and disrespectful.

Attached below is his full blog. Article sourced from here.


Brothers and Sisters,

I wrote this after reading the comments to my previous article “ Anwar’s second major blunder”.

One, Personally, I detest and am ‘jijik’ with frogging so I do not agree with any government that is formed by that act, regardless whether it is BN or PR. But both parties seem too happy to practice it, and I agree with Dr Koh that Anwar is the ‘King of Frogs’. But for BN leaders like Najib to make him their teacher, elevating him to be a role model, I think it is not very smart either. However, until we have a law that suggests otherwise, I will accept the legality of the Perak new state government. (Hail Karpal !!!)

Two, I do not have privileged information about what had transpired between the Perak Sultan, BN and PR leaders. I am willing to give the Sultan the benefit of the doubt here and assume that he made the best decision he thought possible. He knows the law better than me.All these quotes about he not being true to his own writings are really shallow arguments because all laws and decisions will need to bear the context within which they are made. Historically, he has made decisions that benefited PR too, so, I perceive that he is fair.

Three, I want the state assembly to be dissolved, though I think it is a waste of money, time and purpose because neither BN nor PR are ethical governments when it comes to frogging. So it does not matter to me if BN or PR leads, just deal with the economy, that’s the issue.Read my lips, IT’S THE ECONOMY STUPID! Stop all your nonsense, I can wait for PRU13! Will all you politicians please shut up,focus all your energies and just go get the economy right.Whether PR or BN rules Perak or Malaysia is useless if a large section of Malaysians have not enough food to eat, no job to go to and remain in poverty. IT’S THE ECONOMY STUPID! Rice is more important than rights when all hell breaks loose in our economy.

Four, what I argued in the article is not what I want or like or whatsoever, ; I am playing the role of a sociologist. It is a socio-cultural reading of the Malays. I could be right, I could be wrong. But, note that it is a thematic problem; it will create impact in the longer run.

When the dusts settle, Malaysians especially the Malays (young and old) will have to decide what the core of Malaysian culture and society is. Where this society we call Malaysia was sired from?

At the end of the day, I bet it would be the Malay entity and culture, with the other sub-cultures acting as supporting actors/actresses and extras.At the very top, who are the keepers of the Malay culture? The Raja-raja Melayu.

Has the Perak royal family acted so wrongly and so zalim to be accorded such rude behaviour both by his subjects and those outside Perak? My answer is a BIG ‘No’. Do you think all the other Raja-raja Melayu are not affected and hurt too with the situation? If they are zalim, go ahead. Are they really zalim here? How do you think their working relationship be with future Pakatan's MBs?

In the area of culture, legal arguments take second place.

Take the Sultan to court if you must, but dont pelt him,be rude to him, show him the finger, screaming and shouting. Is that our culture? Is that how we want our children to behave towards us when they disagree with our desicions?

You decide.

Biadap, tetap biadap.

live bullets

I read this in the papers on Monday about the whole political thing in Perak and how the UMNO youths are really p.o-ed with Karpal for mentioning that he wants to sue the Sultan of Perak yadda3x

Apparently Karpal Singh received a handwritten warning letter in his mail box which was posted from Ipoh on Feb 12, 2009 with two live bullets in it saying "Cilaka, babi, anjing. Jgn main2 dengan Raja Melayu kalu tak syg anak bini jgn cr pasal nanti lu satu family gua bakar!!! Lu punya rumah semua gua tau!! Lu cabar Melayu mati lu satu Family!"

The note is uber laugh out loud if you ask me.

Firstly - WTF kinda letter is that? Dude... he's a lawyer... and a damn good one so do you think sending a letter like that would work? Plus, if you want to intimidate a damned good lawyer... write a better note. This clearly shows the lack of education and maturity of thoughts...

Secondly - How the hell did two live bullets in an envelope manage to be sent? And where'd they get two live bullets in the first place?

Thirdly - People should just take things more lightly... geez what's with everyone being so bloody uptight?

Anyhoo... read this today that's why I'm blogging about it...

black

To mourn the death of democracy in Perak, we're calling out to all Perakeans to mourn together by wearing all black on Tuesday, 10 Feb 2009.

I'll be dressed fully in black from top to toe...

p/s : for those who have no idea what's going on... go check out the local dailies about the Perak state government news

i miss you....

It's been 72hrs since I've seen your face or felt your arms around me...

It's been 72hrs since I've smelt your lingering scent next to me...

It's been too bloody long!!!

i'm home

I'm finally back home in Ipoh for the CNY hols.

Traffic was a tad heavy but was flowing rather steadily throughout the journey. There was only a jam at the toll but we detoured and exited via the off roads instead.

Being home is a good feeling. My dogs were utterly glad and excited to see me. I was very happy to see mom again.

But dammit I miss you... that's what's wrong with me... I get too used to having you around that I miss you whenever we're apart :P

Oh well, it'll probably be a long five days without him... *sniff*

i'm so exhausted....

This has been a rather long week for me... I started my first week of work at my new company and it's been quite alright. Workload isn't too much but I know I shouldn't take it too easy. Corp Comm is never a breeze.

Then on Friday night, I rushed to KLIA to pick up Megu and then back to Ipoh.

I've been rushing around so much... I'm so tired....

And I miss my puppy :( I don't get to see him every day... okay fine it's only been today where I saw him for 3-4hrs during Simmy and Harpreet's wedding... but that's in public with people...

I miss waking up next to him... I miss falling asleep next to him... I miss the smell of him...

I miss my puppy...

well, like duh

I'm more naive than I think I am sometimes. It just hit me why he comes back to Ipoh so often. Me.

Yes I know, it goes without saying "Like duh... why else would he be back here so often???" or like what Len told me during the early days of our relationship - "I haven't seen Colin back in Ipoh as often as this. Are you sure you guys aren't dating?"

It only hit me when we went out for drinks one night and one friend (whom is his school mate) asked him "Colin, watchu doing in Ipoh?" and all he did was point at me. Then the guy asked "You're on holidays?" "Yeah, term break," "Oh... so why don't you stay in KL instead?" again... he pointed at me.

THEN it hit me... he's back here because of me. I don't know why but it never hit me earlier. I always thought he came back cuz his family is here and that he was really bored in KL and that I was around.

Anyhoo, we're going apartment hunting... cross your fingers for us!!!

lazy days

Am in KL for Jane (my old roomie from Perth)'s wedding... went to her church wedding on Saturday... and the dinner party on Sunday night...

I can't believe it... but Janey's hitched!!! I am unbelievably estatic and happy for her... and I can tell you one thing, I rarely genuinely feel things like this strongly... and when I actually do, that shows how big a deal it actually is.

I can still remember the days when I was sitting in my room working on my assignments... and then this figure walks by my room... and goes "helloooooo...." and doesn't stop.....

OR

the time where she excitedly ran into my room, grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me ALL the way to the bathroom... just to point to our toothbrushes by the sink. All because they were 'kissing'

hahahaha

Have been in KL for the past three days and I'm telling you... I am slowly morphing into

a) a sloth

b) one with the bed (think That 70s Show when Eric overeats and Fez is scared to go near Fat Eric only to find out that Kelso was buried under Fat Eric)

Well, not THAT fat... but I have been so lazy to even get out of bed.... today... it took us HOURS to actually get out of bed (and no.... not because of that!).

I woke up at about 1-ish in the afternoon.... then he woke up.... then instead of getting up... he turned on Top Gear... so we spent hours watching Top Gear... and it was only until we realized that it was already evening... *ooerr*

So we went out for food... dropped by the Digital Mall for a bit.... and then came home...

Now he's gaming... and I'm... well... blogging... hahaha

Tomorrow it's IKEA shopping day!!!! *w00t*

I need to buy

a) 2 chairs (for the dining hall)

b) extra 3-way pin adapters

c) timer (for the hall light)

d) I can't remember...

BUT I did bring my reusable IKEA bag... so... let's just hope I don't load too much stuff in there!

I'm wondering....

Remember I was effing pissed at him last month?

Today I'm rather pissed at him too. I was at work... wondering how wonderful it would be if I could snuggle back under the covers with him today because it was a rainy day.

Then at noon he wakes up and freaks out. His lecturer called him up and apparently he needs to make some amendments to his assignment. He freaks out. Assignment carries 40%, so I'll go back tmr afternoon, he tells me.

Then he freaks out even more because his maid had accidentally broken the water tank of the toilet.

I laughed silently to myself because sometimes he makes mountains out of molehills and well, it was a tensed day at work, it was rather funny to hear that his maid had broken the toilet.

I'm freaking out, he tells me. Chill... breathe in and breathe out. I'm at work. There's only so much I could do for him. So I told him to go shower, eat some breakfast and then figure out what he wants to do. No point doing anything now unless you're relaxed, I said.

Then he freaks out even more because the license on MS Word on his notebook has expired so he can't do the amendments to his assignment and when he came back this time, he forgot to bring the wireless card for his desktop. That translates to = cannot make amendments to assignment.

After a bit he was quiet. So I asked "Are you okay?" then he tells me that he just threw up.

*stares blankly at the screen*

Apparently that happens when he's too freaked out. Damned artists. I can't imagine being that freaked out as to be able to throw up and esp not at what he was going through. So I left him to cool down and I went out for lunch. "I'm going to eat now, talk to you later okay?"

I came back from lunch and he was offline. So I thought maybe he was trying something.

Few hours later, he was still offline. So I texted him "Hun are you okay?"

It took him 5 flipping minutes to reply me "In KL now :P "

*sigh*

I'm not asking him to report to me on every step that he takes. But at least have the decency or the courtesy to tell me that you'll be going back to KL. Is it that so hard?

Geez... that boy really has no.... goodness I can't even begin to describe - brains? decency? courtesy? common sense? Bah!

I mean it's not like driving out to somewhere with an internet connection and working MS Word... or driving out to Macca's to grab something. This is KL for crying out loud. It's bloody two hours away.

I'm PMS-ing again....

Auugghhh!

I hate it when I miss him. It gets very annoying. I get very restless. It's all annoying... and I blame him :P

He spoils me so much by coming back every weekend so much that it has only been 2 weekends (not in a row, thank God) that he has not been back in the entire length of our relationship and, well, it's not unbearable... but it's just... like I've lost either one limb (yes I know it sounds exaggerated but that is the way it feels)

And recently it has become a tad worse... not that I really want to complain but it's just that he's been working on his music so much that I literally do not see him at all. He came back last weekend... and on Tuesday I was in DJ so we met up for a couple of hours (which was pretty much fun since we've never hung out anywhere else but Ipoh) and he's supposed to be back this weekend but his brother has got friends coming in from Melbourne and he'll only be able to make it back home on Wednesday or so....

He's going through a lot of tutorials and starting from scratch to build his instruments so much so that his body clock is all wonky now hahaha and I love watching him go like that... it reminds me of when I'm in the writing mood. I can write chapters and chapters on end and editing goes on non stop.

We're both perfectionists in that way. Which tends to annoy a lot of people. Especially when we become uber anal about perfection in our own work :P

I love it that he's working on his music :)
I love being the guinea pig to the endless versions of his work
I love listening to the different sounds he produces (I am actually fascinated with it, even though I was classically trained in classical music for over 10 years, digital music amazes me)
I love that my opinions on his work matters to him (I'm not that much of a techno trance electro kind of person to begin with, which is the genre he works on)

However, I do not love not being able to see him as often as I want to....

I could make a fuss... or throw a tantrum... but I won't...

Bleh. I'm just annoyed that I miss him so much...

blood donation

I donate blood as often as I can... it's kinda like my own way of doing something for the society. Also, mom used to tell me that dad did it a lot when he was alive so in a way I'm probably trying to continue some sort of tradition.

I started donating at the age of 18 and I actually quite like doing it. It gives me a sense of pride or satisfaction or some sort knowing that what I do can help save someone's life.

I am squeamish about needles... but as long as I don't see where it goes, it's not as bad....

I've only had one collapse in all my years of donating. That one time, was in a mall, I saw that there was a blood donation drive and had gone over to volunteer. After I was done, I looked up and realized that there was a long queue of volunteers and being a 'seasoned' donor I told the nurse that I can just get up so that the next volunteer could start.

Two minutes after I had gotten up, spots started to blind my vision and the next thing I knew, I was back on the stretcher bed with nurses and my friend, Maggie looking at me "Are you ok? You blacked out and almost hit the ground, lucky we saw you were collapsing!"

This time, I was out with him in the mall and I saw a blood donation drive. Pretty quiet one too. So I walked over and signed up. Turns out I was their first volunteer, which really surprised me because it was about 2 in the afternoon.

Everything went well, as usual. Then when I told the nurse I wanted to get up, she held on to the bed and he extended his hand to hold my left arm (I was donating with my right) and somehow as a reflex to getting up, I used my right arm to help push me off the bed.

THEN I realized that I had used my right arm and I looked down, blood was gushing out cuz I applied pressure to it. Hahaha... he panicked a bit... the nurses panicked a bit... and all I did was stare at my blood flowing out staining my arm, top and a bit of the floor

They made me lie down again.

This time he made sure that he lifted me off the bed instead of letting me get up by myself :)


Then I had realized AFTER the entire incident that he's squeamish about needles and blood....

He's really fantastic I'm telling you... in his own little subtle ways... he's blowing my mind...

working out my own demons

A door closes and another opens. I have learned to let go of what I held on to for the past 7-8 years. I know that there's no point and that I'm only making life miserable for myself, which I seriously do not want, at all. I'm learning to take control of my life now.

I have recently met someone else. Initially I was wary of the relationship because I was afraid that I was on rebound. Things were going superb and it's amazing how our lives crossed paths so many times (we're from the same home town) and that we had the same pool of common friends. We have heard of each other but somehow was never formally introduced to each other.

Anyways, I felt emotions that I haven't felt in ages and I love being around him. It's been going on since early September and it's almost November now.

By late September he had already told me that he loves me. Which took me back quite a bit. I didn't think it was possible. And to think of all the cheating scumbags I've met and bumped into, can you blame me for being wary? Come to think of it, it was a very romantic moment. We had JUST had our first kiss and he's looking me in the eye.... then he gently pushes my hair back and slips it neatly behind my ear and then he looks at me again. Eyes are filled with intensity. I actually had to look away.

"Claire...?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you..."
*short silence*
"No you don't...." in disbelief
"Yes... I do..."
"No. You don't...." I insisted.
"Yes. I do...."

I cannot believe... that the first time someone tells me with full sincerity and truth, the three magical words and I shoot him down by doubting the verity of it.

Maybe I'm having commitment issues. I need to work it out. But I do know that I care for him very much and I am in the best of moods whenever I'm with him. Even if I've had the crummiest day of my life earlier.

Then again it's like that game... you know where you're standing with your back facing your friend and you need to just lean back and fall into that person's arms? Deep down I know, he will be there for me and he won't let me fall. But it's just myself doubting it.

I'm learning. Falling in love is like that metaphor for me. I need to be able to trust both him and me before I let go. Wait for me. I will let go and lean back to fall in your arms. I just need to work out my own issues. I promise you I will.

And I haven't said this to you yet, but lately I have been feeling it rather strongly... I love you too

effing pissed

Before I actually go on with the story... these are some random thoughts going on in my mind. Granted that it's mainly about him. Yes, YOU.

Andy and I, finito. I give up. With the whole "I wanna work things out," and all that effing nonsense, I have had enough of it. I've had it for eight bloody years and you know what, if it didn't work out then it's not going to work out now and frankly, I can't take it any more. Who am I trying to kid?

Then when a door closes, another opens. I know it's corny but it does happen.

I am now in a very new relationship and I am utterly happy being with him. He is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met on earth and being with him is just.... makes me speechless. We've been together for almost a month now and I'm telling you, time flies when you're having fun.

He's currently back in university studying sound and music production.

Unfortunately for him, I am effing pissed at him right now. Why you ask? Because of something he did which was incredibly disrespectful.

Call me sensitive or whatever it is... read on and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

So this is what happened.

Last Sunday before he left for KL, he told me that he would drive me for my interview on Thursday and that we'll meet up at Maria's for lunch. After that we could go traipsing around at the mall.

Then on Monday when he's back in KL... all of a sudden he goes berserk because he JUST got a reminder that he has to pick up a friend from the airport who by the way will be flying in from overseas ON Thursday itself. Coincidence. Oh well, so I graciously told him to go ahead with his plans since he had committed to it much earlier anyways. Besides, I totally understand. Also I wouldn't want him to interfere with my life with my friends anyways.

Halfway thru our conversation, he tells me that she's a producer of a show on a music channel... then the green eyed monster hit me saying "Oooh his friend is a she..."

Few weeks before, he had mentioned that he has a friend who is producer and that the friend was interested in using one of his compositions for the music in one of the many programs. So I thought, okay.... shouldn't be anything to worry about.

After that he kept going ON and on about how sorry he is and how sad he is that I'll be doing this by myself and all that nonsense. Then he's all like "Oh I shouldn't have committed to my friend, oh I wish I didn't..." and I wasn't in the mood to bother. I had a job interview to prep for. So I told him it's fine, don't worry about it and that I'll give him a call after and we'll catch up if he's free.

So my interview ended at 6.30pm and I had already called Mary because I really wanted to meet up with her for dinner. We made plans to meet up at 1U at 7.30pm if there's no jam because it was after office hours and if there was one, most likely I'll be stuck in it. If there was a jam, I was to call her and cancel our dinner plans because I didn't want to get home too late at night.

Then I texted him telling him that I'm done and I'm on my way to meet up with Mary if there's no jam. He replies "Sorry sweetheart but I'm a bit tied up here... I guess I'll just have to catch you when I get home tomorrow :("

Eff that.... heck I wanted to meet Mary more than I wanted to meet up with him anyways.

Surprisingly there was NO jam at all and I reached 1U at 7pm, so I did a spot of shopping while waiting for Mary.

When she turned up, the teasing started. He had good timing, because the moment Mary got into teasing, he chose that moment to call me.

So Mary and I got to talking about why he wasn't around and she asked "So? She's a producer big deal... can't we all meet her and have dinner together? What's the big deal?"

That thought had been running through my mind the entire day. What was the big deal? Why couldn't we all hang out.

And I'm like "Yeah, I don't get him. I don't mind that he's made earlier plans with his friends but my point is that, I'm effing here and I deliberately chose the day where he has no classes AND I'm literally 15 mins away. Why can't he just bloody come out to have dinner?"

The conversation went on and on. I rationnalize and gave him the benefit of the doubt - she IS his college friend and they're both in the same industry, they probably wanna catch up and have a good laugh. That and I should learn to trust people and have some faith in humanity

Because NOT everyone is a cheating scumbag.

So after dinner, Mary walked me to my car and I hit the highway. I texted him along the way to tlet him know that I was on my way home. Then after a couple of texts, he tells me that she's bunking over tonight "friend is bunking over and busy playing games on desktop, I'm using the notebook,"

Bloody heck. Here I am, driving at 75mph on the effing highway at 10.30pm and he chooses THEN to tell me that she is bunking over????

He effing had the entire day to bloody tell me over the bajillion texts and during the phone calls but he chooses the time when I'm on my way home in the midst of darkness and the bright lights of on coming cars shining in my eyes to tell me. Bloody hell.

I couldn't reply his text. But after mulling on the drive AGAIN I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He has always been a gentleman, a respectful guy. He'll probably bunk on the couch or she'll bunk on his couch...

I was pretty pissed that the moment I got home, I didn't want to tell him that I was home. But then I didn't want him to worry, I mean I know I'm effing pissed BUT doesn't mean that I should let him worry about my safety.

Yes, I know I put myself in his shoes a shit load more than I put myself in shoes... or his in my shoes.

So I IMed him. He was on "Away" and there was no answer on his private IM account (I'm the only one on it) so I thought "Fuck that... I'm gonna go shower,"

Turns out he had texted me but I didn't hear it and only saw the text after I got out of the shower. "Bunny, are you home yet? I'm out eating btw,"

Being the pissed off girlfriend. I replied "Bunny has collapsed," (Yes that's me throwing a fit, I never make a scene because it's degrading and if he doesn't get that I'm pissed after a few times, fuck that... he can take a hike)

He replied me saying that he's very tired himself and that he's on his way home now and he'll probably collapse too.

Then he got home and IMed me

He says:
me tooo
He says:
*muah
He says:
i'm gonna collapse as well
He says:
gnite sweetie
He says:
sweet dreams

I was TOO worked up to sleep. I was wide awake but bloody tired. I kept tossing and turning. Then when I finally got to sleeping, I was woken up by the sound of a million IM alerts pinging at 5am.

He says:
hi baby bunny..
He says:
i had another weird dream
He says:
my poor friend became a victim though
He says:
haha
He says:
i got so annoyed in the dream that i made a punch, and it manifested in real life. i punched my friend in the back of the head.
He says:
i had to get up.. in fear i'll doze back off into the same dream...

He had punched her in his sleep.... HE PUNCHED HER IN HIS SLEEP. That bloody means they were fucking sleeping in the same bed! Can you even imagine how pissed I am. It was bad enough that I was bloody tired and worked up and he wakes me up at 5am to tell me that?!

He says:
anyway, will see you later this evening. yay.
He says:
take care. *muah
I say:
you woke me up
He says:
*snuggles*
He says:
sorry to have waken you
I say:
you punched her in the head?
He says:
yeah
I say:
didn't she wake up?
He says:
she did
He says:
haha
I say:
Goodness
He says:
she was like WTF?!
I say:
did you punch her hard?
He says:
yeah. stupid annoying little girls were annoying me and mocking me in my dream and i got so angry i lashed out
He says:
and i swung in real life
He says:
and whacked my friend
He says:
i think it was quite hard...
I say:
good lord.......
I say:
you're a dangerous person to sleep with
He says:
:(
He says:
i got issues.
I say:
lucky you didn't kick her off the bed or something
He says:
haha
He says:
yeah
He says:
imagine if i had that horse dream
He says:
haha

He kept going on and on about how he cocked his fist back and took a hard swing at her as if it was really funny. I mean come on... it was 5am for crying out loud. (Btw the horse dream was where he shoved a black stallion that was sleeping on his bed)

Then after he was done talking about it, he asked me how my trip was.

I say:
the moment my head touched the pillow my eyes closed
He says:
i did the same after i came home from food
He says:
plonked and zonked
I say:
what did you eat
He says:
then 3 hours later I punched my friend
He says:
haha
He says:
*doosh*
I say:
You didn't let the food digest properly
He says:
yeah
I say:
see what happens when you don’t?
He says:
thats what she said
I say:
you're not sleeping next to me
He says:
"who asked you sleep so fast after eating?!"

I had to keep my cool. Either that or I'd lash out at him like some crazed emotionally unstable woman. Which is why I never make a scene. It's not worth it. But I also think that I was partly numb from the exhaustion and lack of sleep that I couldn't be bothered to lash out at him or be taht all pissed that he was sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

He kept rambling, and I couldn't take it any more...

I say:
hun...go back to sleep
I say:
you're rambling....
He says:
yeh
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry sweets
I say:
it's okay
He says:
I'm off then.
I say:
:)
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry
He says:
But I miss you :(
I say:
it's okay
I say:
you can go on rambling if you want
He says:
We didn’t talk the whole day
He says:
:(
I say:
what do you mean we didn’t talk the whole day
I say:
We texted
He says:
haha
I say:
then you called during dinner time
He says:
ok ok
I say:
just probably not enough :P
I say:
Hahahaha
He says:
not enough
He says:
yeah
He says:
:P
He says:
ok
He says:
lets get back to sleep before the sun rises

So, I asked him to get back into bed with the girl. I couldn't care too much. What was done is done. If they were doing it then fine... they can just bloody do it again.

I know it's crazy but I know him. He wouldn't do it. But thoughts like these are the first ones that run thru your mind when a situation like that happens. I am female after all.

I didn't come this far and stick my neck out so much in this much disapproved relationship to be taken down by one setback like this.

Thing is, knowing the person that he is, he doesn't realize that what he did wasn't right. To him it was just his old friend bunking over. I mean how would he feel if I had done the same thing?

Granted that she is a very close friend and all, how would he feel if my old friend came over and bunked on the same bed as me? I know I trust him but just the thought of it is... bloody annoying.

I mean, seriously......

I sometimes seriously dislike being in a relationship because of all these stuff that I need to go through. The green eyed monster in me makes me an insanely jealous and intensely possesive person.

I am in a frame of mind where I want to scream and yell at him for being so bloody disrepectful, especially since he's the one who started telling people that we are dating.

I mean, at least have the bloody effing courtesy or decency to tell me that your friend is gonna be coming over and you guys wanna hang out and catch up and that she'll be bunking over. I don't mind. I seriously don't. Either that or just keep your bloody trap shut and never let me find out.

And throughout the entire day he kept texting me to tell me to be careful and that he misses me. Fuck. If you really did miss me, you would at least make the bloody effort to come out and see me even for a little bit.

Fuck it all, I'm ranting because I'm bloody effing pissed.

Area 01 - Freeze Da Music @ Cameron Highlands

My big bro's co-organizing this cool music event up in Cameron Highlands... it is going to be a blast and soooo rock your world.  Take my word for it

Date : August 9, 2008 (Saturday)

Time : 9.00om (+0.800GST) till you drop

Venue : Sunlight House, Brinchang Cameron Highlands

Get more info from my facebook events here