Do I or don't I?

This has been on my mind for a while now - the whole wedding/getting married thing.

It's pretty confusing because growing up, all I did was plan for the perfect wedding. 

Like the typical girl, I had themes, locations, colors, dresses, flowers, songs, who my bridesmaids and maid of honor would be... I even had a guest list written out which I saved in as a draft in gmail that I updated periodically.

That was me all the way up till the last break up. My boyfriend of eight years finally mentioned to me that he never thought of us getting married. 

Spending a lifetime together, yes. Married, no.

Being the traditional girly kind of girl, I thought that was absurd. I mean, why would any one spend SO much time together and not want to be together?

Yes I know, we should've discussed stuff like this earlier but it just seemed that it would be the next natural step for us. I mean at one point when he was moving around for work, he bought a house which he said it's for us. Pointed out where I can plant strawberries and raspberries. Remodeled the kitchen so that I'll have a joyful place to cook meals for our little family. Showed me this horse breeder dude who lived down the road and always had a horse or two in the yard (this was just in case I got bored while he was at work).

As I entered my next relationship, I was still that traditional girly kind of girl who wanted to walk down the aisle in a gorgeous white gown. I still wanted the whole dream. But I was scared. So I took things really slowly. 

I mean really slowly.

I used to freak out at everything. The little gestures he would make. Or the little gestures he wouldn't make. 

But as the years rolled by (we're coming to our sixth year now) I finally realized why the ex didn't want to get married and I agree with him now. Because marriage is just not  a priority. 

The pup and I have been living together for so long that we're pretty much like your average married couple - minus the signed paper, fancy rings and expensive celebration.

Maybe I've grown up. Maybe this relationship has opened my eyes. Whatever it is, while I am still a romantic inside, I've decided that I'm not going to give in to society pressure.  Yes you heard me. I'm not conforming!!!

1. Engagement ring - we all now know it's a scheme created by De Beers back in the late 30s. The whole point of getting one these days, is just to show off to your friends and family how "much" this guy loves you and how much he makes. Why not get a car? Or a house instead? You know what I mean? Plus, diamonds are pretty much worthless and they're a lot more common than you think. Don't believe me? Try reselling your engagement ring and see what you get.

Alternatively, you could just get one of those that look really real but are priced at only a fraction of the cost. Seriously, who's going to know? They just want to see that rock on your finger!

2. Getting legally married - this is what I call, signing the papers. I kinda don't really get the point now, especially for couples like the pup and myself. We live together. We do grocery shopping together. We cook and eat dinner together. We wake up on Saturdays and head out to our usual haunt for breakfast together. Apart from work and toilet time, we pretty much do everything together - like a married couple. So what difference does that piece of paper make? Does it mean that I love him more/less with that? The only reason I can agree with about signing the papers, are spousal benefits.

3. Getting married - this is the annoying part for me. The ceremony. Seriously, why would anyone spend so much money on such an elaborate party, only to later look back at photos and reminisce about how skinny or young we used to look. Don't we all do that with our photos now? Plus - being Asian, there's a whole lot more to do culturally which can seriously make you want to kill yourself, I kid you not.

4. Having kids - another thing I really don't understand. Why would anyone really want to give up their sleep? I assure you, I'm saying this from a neutral point of view. I love kids. I just don't want them for myself. I love playing with them, reading books to them and generally hanging around with them because I'm a big kid myself! I really just don't see why people want to get pregnant (fat and cranky, I might add), push something out of their vagina or have a hole cut in you to remove a baby, and then spend the rest of your life sleep deprived, constantly worried that something will happen to your child or fighting with an angsty kid... all for what? Because everyone's doing it? Because society says it's the right thing to do? Pah! There are plenty of kids out there who have no mommies and daddies - if you're so righteous, why don't you adopt them instead?

If doing all that really makes you happy, by all means go ahead. But please think about it and do it because you really want to, and not because it's the "next natural" thing to do.

With that said, I open the floor for discussion.

Brings back memories

I have this massive emotional attachments to songs that I hear... sometimes for the first time... sometimes after something's happened...

I can get very overwhelmed up to the point where I can break down and cry just listening to the lyrics because I can SO relate to it.

A fine example is this song. I've heard it a couple of times on the radio but never bothered too much about it. Then about 2 months ago, I was in the car with my colleagues when this song came on the radio. The car fell silent because they too were listening to it (I hope), and that's when I heard the lyrics for the first time. The lyrics "I have died everyday waiting for you, darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years... I'll love you for a Thousand more"

 

It pinched my heart. 

 

It made me think of my first love... but then the chatter in the car came back when the song ended - bursting my dream bubble, so I never gave it any more thought.

 

Two nights ago, Andy IMed me on gmail. We IM about once in a while. I try to keep the conversations short because it's not fair for Colin.

 

We talked about work - how I've moved on to another job because my previous one was suffocating me financially. He was telling me how proud he is of me because I've grown up so much in the years that we've been apart. Then it got to a point where I was telling him that people say that I'm a very patient person and he said 

 

"Yeah I know that. You put up with me for so many years..."

"Yeah that's because I was in love with you... I thought this was for the long run... I wanted this for the long run so if it doesn't kill me... why not?"

"I hate it when you say it in past tense..."

"Andy... I still love you... but it's a different kind of love now... I will always love you - because you were a big part of my life..."

"I still love you too... and will always... and you're one of the few people left who call me 'Andy'."

"Oh? I thought everyone called you Andy..."
"Back then yes, now it's just my mom, my dad, my sister.... and you. It's like... you're family..."

Then we moved on to continue talking about work... and I had to go to sleep.

When I woke up, Colin played this song on youtube and as I listened to the lyrics, I couldn't help but feel.

I know I'm still in love with him. But I hate having that feeling especially when I'm with someone else. I hate it because it makes me doubt - am I doing the right thing?

 

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more  

Valentine's Day vs Chinese New Year

Which would you choose? To spend the day with your loved one.... or to spend it with your loved ones?

I had to choose this year. Spend Feb 14 with my puppy and get what could only be described as worse punishement than what Kathy Bates dealt in Misery... or celebrate Chinese New Year as usual with all my relatives....

With the Chinese blood pumping through my veins.... Chinese New Year trumps Valentine's Day.

Besides, I see the puppy everyday... and as he said "Every day is like Valentine's Day for us... no biggie,"

So yeah, it was the usual stuff... went back to granpa's house on the eve of Chinese New Year.... went to the temple to do the usual prayer offerings....

I love how the offering papers always leave silver markings on my hands... it's like proof... "Here grandpa... I made these with my very own hands!"

The usual fare... always too much great food that you don't know where to start and where to end... and always end up overeating.... to heck with diets...

The morning of Chinese New Year... serving tea to my uncle and aunt... of course with good wishes... and in return, I get my ang pows! Yay!

Then it was back to Ipoh for more family gatherings.... this time for a barbecue at my uncle's house and endless rounds of mahjong....

That's me and two of my cousins.... can't tell who is who here though hahaha

Photo courtesy of www.hugolim.com

It's really more of a spectator/consultancy thing than a game.... as we play... cousins or aunts/uncles will walk past and tell you "Keep this tile," or "Hey you've just won..." and most times, we'll have like 3 consultants per player and 10 spectators all together....
Photo courtesy of www.hugolim.com

This is mom and I.
Photo courtesy of www.hugolim.com

Thankfully.... I received a very pleasant surprise this year for Valentine's Day. I was out shopping on CNY eve (Feb 13) when a florist from back home called up telling me that she has a delivery for me... I told her I'll only be home in a few days time and she said alright, she'll deliver then...

My first Valentine's Day bouquet... also my first bouquet... ever...

It was from Andy. I thanked him and asked him why did he do it. He said I deserved to have flowers. I deserved to be happy. This is a way of him trying to make up for all those years. It was a very sweet gesture... albeit a tad too late...

I didn't tell the puppy who it was from. He asked, and I just said "I don't know, came to me without a sender's name..." and he teased me about having admirers....

Well whatever it is, it's just a bouquet... I've never received a dozen of red roses like this before... so let me bask in it... I deserve it...

Recap

I have this habit of writing to www.futureme.org and sending myself an email in the future from the past.

I just received one late last night and I thought I'd share it :)

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Thursday January 1, 2009 and sent via FutureMe.org
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Claire

2008 was a rather eventful year for you.

Work
Work was fine. You managed to stay on and plough on through. You finally quit in Nov 2008 and will be joining Gamuda Land in Jan 2009.

Life
Life in general was good. Had quite some fun after the break up with Andy in 07 all the way to 2008. Got your first credit card. Bought both Penny and Poppy (which btw is something that will sooner or later get you broke!). Moving to KL in Jan 2009

Sayang
This year August would be one year since Sayang passed away. I still cannot look at his pictures and not have tears well up in my eyes. I still cannot walk into a pet store and see brown mini dutch lops and not cry. I miss my sayang so much

Andy
I realized not only did he have a thing for Emily earlier but he did have something on with Fukuko. He still denies it. But always trust your gut instincts. And after being with someone for 7 years, I'm sure you'll know if something's not right.

He finally came for a short visit in August 08. It was... momentous but rather awkward at the same time. I wasn't in love with him any more, and I don't think he was either. It was probably just something we had to do. I think we owed it to each other.

After he left, I was left in an emotional pile of crap. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. The only thing I could do was cry. Every time I replayed the part where he kissed me and told me that I was worth the wait at the airport, tears flowed down my cheeks like an open faucet.

We wanted to make it work after that. We talked about it - very briefly. But it was all talk, no action. Very usual of us. I give up. I really give up.

I've begun to come to terms that if it was meant to be, it would have bloody fucking happened. We had 7 years. I guess neither one of us really wanted it to happen.

Just as I give up. He doesn't want to let go. I don't know what he wants. When I used to text him and call him all the time. He wouldn't bloody respond. Now he bloody texts me all the time. WTF? Too late Andy... too late.

Love
Had a few heartaches as usual. Scumbags galore.

Colin
Finally the babygirl could stop hoping and wishing. Met a surprising person in August 2008 via Facebook. Sparks flew. Clicked instantly. Maybe we were meant to be. Like the strings of Yuet Lau. But we just needed time to grow up to learn more about ourselves.

The love of my life - Colin. I don't know what I'd be without you now. I cannot imagine life without you and it's only been 3 months. I get so emotional around you. That's how I know how much I love you. But that's also my insecurity. I love you too much. I cannot live without knowing that I am your one and only. I want you to know that you are the only one I want to be with and you are the only one that matters to me. I'm so glad that we're moving in together. I really cannot think of another person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

I love you hun, with all my heart and soul.

Looking forward to 2009
- new job
- new life
- new surroundings
- new love

The chinese zodiac says the 27 year old dogs who get together will provide support and strength for each other. Horoscope says that the Pisces and the Scorpio are perfect and is a celestial bond. Both water signs compliment each other.

We reap what we sow

Stories of infidelity splash the headlines in a frenzied fury these days. It is newspapers, gossip tabloids, entertainment channels and everything and everywhere.

It is very sad to see such things happen in our society. I am a firm believer in the sanctity of a marriage or a relationship in this case (since I’m not married yet). There is never any excuse for infidelity. We are all equal in that all of us have self-control.

I have absurdly strong principles on certain/weird matters, and one of them is this.

I believe in holding on to the vows I have made for my partner, I believe in going thru thick and thin, I believe in honoring and respecting him as my partner.

Believe it or not, I hold on to it like my life depends on it.

Which reminds me, where the hell has the sanctity of a marriage gone these days? Was it JUST a ceremony? Was it so that you’ll have what it looks like – a fairytale wedding? Was that it?

Famous couples gone thru infidelity – the Beckhams, Liz Hurley & Hugh Grant, Jen & Brad... and now Tiger and Elin Woods.....

Even a local newsy highlighted cases of husbands seeking prostitutes because their wives are busy climbing the corporate ladder.

Most times I want to say, couples have no one else to blame but the both of them because in a marriage, it takes two to clap. It takes two to hold up a sacred bond. Couples should have more moral values and self control to hold up your marriage no matter what happens.

For most men (forgive me, but this is a generalization based on personal experience here) sexual gratification is a physical thing, but for women, it is emotional.

Men have insecurities and believe me when they say "It's not you, it's me,” because no matter what his partner does to make him feel like the big man he is, he still feels like that teeny little insecure little bugger inside... and so he WILL act on it to make him feel better.

But so do women.

It's not rocket science... men and women cheat because they can and want to... and trust me, most times, they want to. Which makes me wonder, for all you cheaters out there, what on earth did your partner do (not do) to make you want to cheat? Or is it really the case of ‘it’s right there...’

But seriously, if it’s right there or if this is about some sorta revenge, please... at least have the decency to choose someone hotter than your current partner. You’re supposed to progress... not digress....

A relationship is as strong or weak as the both of you are. If the both of you have entered into it for the right reasons, then it is most definitely strong enough to keep out all odds. A relationship is only threatened by adultery if those in it allow it to be.

We live in a materialistic and commercialized world where everyone is used to and demands instant gratification. We are so strung up on being able to do everything in almost an instant....

We all know that nothing is magic. Nothing happens immediately. If you want something, you have to work for it.

So I say, hold on to your damned wedding vows and honor thy partner.

Because it is true – we do reap what we sow in a marriage or in a relationship. If you give 50% your partner will give 50%.

So yeah, clean up your own mess. If you don't want to... don't create one in the first place.

A reason, a season or a lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Never again...

I dreamt of Andy the other day. It surprised me. The dream evoked some dormant feelings that I have yet to confront and truthfully, I don't think I want to. It may seem cowardly and that I am in denial - which I am, but part of me argues that it is in the past and there's no need to bring it up again.

What he has done to me has left a gaping wound. It has made me wary of trusting another partner or person so much that I was floating around from relationship to relationship in the years we were fighting and apart.

I know I have no one else to blame for this but myself - because I let him do it to me. I let myself feel bitter and not confront my feelings about this when I know I clearly should.

But I still won't do it.

Why?

I am not sure what I want from this. Sometimes are best left unsaid. I don't need Pandora's box open. Besides, I don't think whatever that results from this will be that all positive.

So Andy, if you ever read this, these are the reasons why I would not want to. Never again...

1. Fukuko and Yukiko Suzuki - enough said. If there are already two women that you hid and never told me about and yet I was able to find out, I can't even begin to imagine how many more are there that I don't know of. Plus I asked you repeatedly about Fukuko and you constantly denied it and called me paranoid.

Let's not forget that little Emily Bremmer thing you had in the early stages of moving to Colorado. Don't think I never found out.

2. Double standards - you can do it but I can't? And you expect me to forgive you just for that just because I, too have done it before? Rules cannot be set like that and broken. You cannot tell someone not to do this and do it yourself. You have to live with your own guilt. I can't help you with that. If you feels like crap, well trust me, I know how it feels like. But you'll probably have it worse. At least I had the guts to step up and admit it. You were my role model and yet you couldn't bring yourself to do the right thing but always wanted me to. I know it was for my own good. But, seriously.

3. Phone calls - How do you expect me to be with you when you barely picked up of my calls? Your damned paranoia about random ppl calling you up to sucker you into things is just an excuse - and you know that. It's not like you don't know I'll be calling on your birthday, Christmas Day,Valentine's and New Year's Day because I have been doing that for the umpteen years that we were together.

Plus, out of the seven years, you've have only called me ONCE. Wow.

4. My birthday - I remember you specifically saying that it wasn't a matter of forgetting but more of never remembering it in the first place. 8 years, Andy... 8 years... you'd think that somehow or rather you could at least have the initiative to remember it once. You never did care about dates even though you know that I cared - the worst part of it was hearing you say that "It's not so much of forgetting, it's more of never bothering to remember in the first place."

You knew how much it bugged me. You knew how much it meant to me. But, you never bothered... AT ALL.

I knew how much you didn't really care, so I didn't bother you too much about it.

I mean, seriously.

5. Anniversaries - I need not repeat myself after all that birthday crap.

6. What difference does it make? - Let me tell you what difference it makes. Towards the end you really didn't care about me anymore, in fact you ignored me and asked me that questions since we barely spoke online.

I hate to say this but this is what I'm going to ask you now, Andy - What difference does it make?

7. Support - you knew how attached I was to my bunny and yet when my bunny died you didn't even bother to offer me any solace or support.

I was changing jobs and moving to a different state for it and you didn't bother to find out and then lashed out saying that I didn't tell you, which I did. You just never noticed.

8. Sincerity - You could have done a lot of things differently to show it but you didn't. It irked the crap outta me when you had a chance to meet up with my best friend but made no real initiative. Instead you flaked on her.

Plus, if you really wanted to be together, you would've come to visit me after you finished school and before moving back to your parents home. But you didn't.

Then you could have gotten a job transfer to Australia while I was still in school. But you didn't.

Instead you only visited me because you had a 3-day layover in Malaysia. If it weren't for that layover, I don't think you would've even came here at all.

9. A real relationship - we live on opposite sides of the globe. While a long distance webcamming relationship worked when we were in school... we're both adults now... continuing a long distance webcamming relationship is just plain sad. I want a real relationship.

10. Interest - You knows less about my family than I know about your family... and there's only ONE person in my family. I know your parents and sister's full names. You don't even know my parents names. I don't think you even knows what my mom's first name is, let alone my dad's.

11. Commitment - You gives me no sense of commitment or security. Andy, you say you want to be with me but you don't want to commit. Don't go telling me your Ferrari dealership story because at least other people are offering me a Ferrari, whether or not they're really giving it to me is one thing but at least they're offering it to me. They're also showing it to me, asking me what color I want it in, letting me customize, touch, sit it and drive it. You on the other hand, are going to Ferrari dealerships telling them you want to buy a Ferrari but refuse to put a down payment or pay instalments for it. Things don't work that way.

Back for good

I used to lurve this song from Take That... I still do. An event happened recently and this was the first song that popped into my head. Part of the lyrics spoke to me - as if it was what he wanted to say to me... "Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it"

Things don't work that way. You have to learn to cover up and make up for all you've done wrong. I can't keep cleaning up after you telling you what to do... do it yourself.

Back for Good - Take That
I guess now its time for me to give up
I feel its time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
You'll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
You'll be right and understood

And well be together, this time is forever
Well be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
You'll be right and understood

Was it a dream?

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.

"You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.

"Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true," - Meredith Grey

Much as I don't like to - I'm having some doubts these days. I think back on my days with Andy and I wonder if cutting him off from my life completely was really such a mistake.

Thanks to the puppy with his stupid song note the sarcasm here.

Part of me wants him to finish up the song because this is his break. This song will be his break. But the inspiration behind the song - fucking annoys the life out of me.

Literally.

Now that he's getting to the lyrics, it's dawning on to me - reflections of my life. I know this song is autobiographical about a period of his life about him and his ex girlfriend and the way the lyrics are going makes me think back about my own past wrecked relationship.

We were happy. We were committed. What went wrong? All I have left now are shreds - not of hope but of despair, disappointment and knowing that there's no turning back.

A few weeks ago he got back in touch with me "I want to be with you again, will you let me? I want you to be the mother of my children,"

My heart wanted to run halfway across the world to be in his arms again and scream out 'Yes' from the top of my lungs. My head held me and my heart back - I really cannot do it all over again. Especially not with Andy. Especially not all that heartbreak.

Should I have stayed on?

Is he the one but I let go?

Are we a real life version of Ross & Rachel - that we have to go through a lot in life to only realize we're actually meant for each other?

Did I do the right thing?

Did I throw my dream away?

Has my fairytale really ended?

Was it a dream?

But either way, it was all exhausting. Loving him, hating him, living life with or without him. It's just plain exhausting and I don't know if I want to do it again.

30 Seconds to Mars - Was It A Dream?

Your defenses were on high
Your walls built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I want still stays the same
And I know what I should do
it's time to set myself on fire
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I
Your reflection I've erased
Like a thousand burned out yesterdays
Believe me when I say goodbye forever
Is for good
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves
A photograph of you and I
(A photograph of you and I)
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves
A photograph of you and I
A photograph of you and I
A photograph of you and I
IN LOVE...

Do you forgive and forget?

I read an article over lunch yesterday about forgiving and forgetting. It was titled something like "Would you forgive your man if he did you wrong?"

William S Maugham once said that "A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does to her, but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account."

Many quotes that I have sourced online says we should forgive and forget because we can never recover, can never find inner peace, shows that you are the bigger person, and that it is a gift that you can give yourself.

Yes I do and no I don't. Most times I forgive people for what they have done which has hurt me, but I never forget it. Call it revengeful or petty but that's the way it is. I think that we need to remember things like these so that we don't fall into the same trap again.

First person who came to mind was Andy *sorry hun* but no, I do not forgive him and yes I have not forgotten the hurt he put me through. Have I put it behind me? Not entirely. But Andy is no longer a priority in my life.

Much as I would like to, I cannot forgive Andy for what he has done and I will not forget it. Not that it really bothers me but I know is pisses him off that I'm still mad at him.

All the things that he has put me through was good in a way. It helped to shed light. At least now I know what I want or don't want... and I can tell you for sure, much as I dreamt about the perfect relationship, wedding, marriage and life with him, I don't want it any more.

I realized it was a dream.

It was my fantasy. It was something I wanted to complete my life with. But he's not the one.

I know now.

Just the other day he emailed me asking me if I would take him back and if what he did was so bad that I am still mad at him. It was a very long two day exasperating email conversation.

Many have asked "Were you tempted to go back to him?" knowing my almost decade long history with him.

Truth is, I can't say I wasn't the least tempted to do so. But I knew, I couldn't live with him. He's just not the one. So no matter what he told me during those two days and trying to win me back during the last few months wouldn't work.

I'm not saying I don't want to forgive him. It's hard. And in a way, I don't see a point in forgiving him. He knew what he was getting into and he did it anyway.

At one point in our bizzare relationship, we never mentioned we were going to exclusive, we just assumed it was in a way. So since we never mentioned we were exclusive, I took it to the next step. I went out on a date with someone else. The consequences of the date ate me alive every time I saw Andy. So I decided to tell him.

That's when it hit rock bottom. To him - I had 'cheated' on him because I didn't even bother to tell him that I was going out with someone else even though we weren't exclusive. To me - it hurt me more to see him disappointed with me. It was then and there I learnt and understood what people meant it hurt me more to see him hurt than it was more than enough. I realized I was in love with him at that point because I couldn't bear to know that I have caused so much hurt, pain and that I have lost his trust.

That was when we decided that it would be exclusive albeit a very long distance relationship.

Six years down the road, that sneaky bastard does it, leaves a very almost invisible trail behind and denies it everytime I asked him about it. Believe me, I tried everyway to subtly ask him and NOT accuse him.

After all, he made a HUGE fuss when I did it... why can't I then? In my defense... at that time, I didn't know any better. But at the point where he did it. How could he have not known any better?

My guess is, he was giving up on us. He wanted out.

So at the end of it - out of my life he goes. That's it. You tell me whether or not I should forgive and forget.

I have to admit though. Since that, I have had major trust issues. I used to think that two people who loved and cared so much for each other would at least be honest. If someone I have been wtih day and night for 7+ years could do that, who is to say other people are not capable of doing it?
*Please be reminded, I'm not saying everyone is going to be a cheater, I'm saying everyone is capable of it, but whether they want to or not is entirely up to them.

Then I realized, being honest might scar all that love and care so much so that it will take a long time to earn it back - so why not inject a little white lie if it can save a relationship.

What you don't know won't hurt you, right?

So to end this entry, I'm going off with an excerpt from a Henry Ward Beecher quote on forgive and forget.

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive."

Letting go

This is something that I have been putting off for quite a while - partly because I didn't want to do it and partly because I hate confrontations.

I've been seeing Colin for almost four months now, and during that entire time, I never made it clear to Andy that it is really over between the both of us. Yes I know, we broke up in 07 but still, we remained in contact and we wanted to work it out especially after meeting during his trip in Aug 08 but it never happened.

So I wrote him an email. I've decided not to tell him that I'm seeing Colin because it's really got nothing to do with him. This is between Claire Yukiko Ishikawa and Andrew Weldon and bringing a third party in will just be messy and bitter not to mention unfair.

I decided to do this because I remember how frustrating and heart wrenching it was to be in the dark back then when I was trying to figure out what was going wrong with our relationship. So just because he kept me in the dark doesn't mean that I should stoop to the same level and do it back for him. Not everything is tit for tat. The world doesn't work that way. And I owe it to him.

Anyways, this is what I wrote to him. Writing this letter was not easy. It is never easy to mention bad news to someone you care about. It is never easy to confront something that you have put aside for so long.

I know I've been putting this off for way too long, and I know that it was never fair of me to ignore you and leave you in the dark, it was selfish of me to do that and I'm sorry.

It's just that I cannot think straight when it involves you, you know that. I can never be the level-headed person I am when you are involved because I cared too much for you, that it has made me very emotional.

But you were always there in my life. You were my life. My best friend, my confidante, my mentor, my rock, my love... you were my everything. The worst part was that I had begun to be dependent on you for everything because you were the most important person in my life. My world revolved around you.

At one point, I believed that no matter what happens, we will be together and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. All I wanted was for you to be happy, even if it cost me my happiness. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life than to see you unhappy. I wanted to fight for that belief so much that I was willing to forsake everything else.

But I'm tired now. I'm tired of fighting and holding up. I need to learn to stand on my two feet.

I cannot be in a relationship with someone whom I know it will never happen. I still love you, and will always do, but I cannot hold on to this knowing that neither one of us is really that all willing to make it happen. It's not fair to you... and it's not fair to me.

When you told me that it was better for us to let go, I hated you for it because I knew you were right. I hated the fact that you didn't want to fight for it. I hated the fact that you didn't want to hold on. I hated myself because I kept blaming myself for everything that went wrong. We said let got but I kept on hanging on... maybe because I didn't want to accept the fact that it was over... maybe because I was in denial about the whole thing...

But I knew you were right on the decision. You always are. You always knew me better than I knew myself. And I hate you for that. I've attached that conversation we had on that day and everytime I read it, it seems to make more sense and at the same time it evokes very strong emotions in me, almost as if I'm reliving the conversation.

In a way, I think us letting go helped me to shed some light. If we didn't, I would still be holding on to something that may or may not happen and constantly being frustrated about it. We've spent the last few years constantly disagreeing on every other thing. And that is not how I want you to live your life and me, mine.

As I said earlier, I don't want you to be unhappy and for the past year, nothing has been happy for either one of us. I keep demanding for your attention and time when I clearly knew you didn't have time for me and that frustrated me and made me pissy at you which then in turn made you pissy. I know you don't want me to be upset but you just didn't have the time for yourself - with all the work problems and all... let alone have time to deal with a pissy me.

It's been 7 years and if it could never happen, I don't think it will ever happen. Corny and cliche as it may sound, but I think that your trip here was probably the final chapter to closing the book.

After you left, I was an emotional heap of crap and distress. I was breaking down. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything but cry and blame myself for everything that went wrong and blame myself for all the things I regretted not doing.

Letting go of you was the hardest thing I had to do, and to have to physically let go of you and walk away from you at the airport... that took a lot out of me.

I love you. I always have and always will.

But I cannot do it again. I cannot lose you twice in a lifetime. I cannot say bye and walk away from you twice in a lifetime. It's just too much pain and frustration and heartache. I refuse to do it.

I actually keep a copy of all our conversations dating back to 2000 when we first started talking on ICQ and I read them over and over again whenever I missed you.

I still harbor the hopes that we'd end up together. That we would grow old, wrinkly and white-haired together and live in a large house by ourselves with dogs in the backyard and raspberry shrubs along the side. But deep down inside I know it will never happen.

I'm going to put myself first, I am my priority. I know it's the most selfish way, but it's the easiest way for me to move on. I'm starting anew this year and slowly putting it all behind me.

You were the best thing that happened to me and God knows what kind of a person I would be if you were never in my life. And I thank you for being there for me and shaping me into the person that I am now.

I'm sorry for this and it probably sounds harsh but I will continue to not talk to you until I'm ready to do so. I need to go cold turkey on this because the temptation and emotions, the seduction is there and that is the rut I'm trying to get out of. I need to have my own life now and not be in a virtual relationship.

I'm sorry this took so long but again, I was in denial, I have always been in denial when it comes to any decision making thing which concerns you. I kept thinking that maybe we can work this out. But now I've made my decision, which is to fully support the decision you made two years ago - to let go.

Over and Over Again

I heard this song when I was in the car with Colin the other day... I've heard the song before but never knew that Nelly had collaborated with Tim McGraw on this one. I liked the melody and the feel of the song. But when I listened to the lyrics... it pulled a string in my heart.

It reminds me of Andy and when I first realized that he had something with this other woman - Emily in Sept 06, and then later another woman - Fukuko, sometime after his birthday in 07. But I kept quiet the whole time.

Mulled in my own depression and frustration. Cried till there were no more tears.

I didn't want to make a fuss. I never want to make a fuss. I don't know why. Partly because I don't want to sound like the deranged emotional woman I can be. Partly because in a way, I believe that if he doesn't realize what he did was wrong, he's not that all worth it. I give up very easily.

That's why when I'm in a relationship, I don't kick up a fuss. I sit. Think. Mull. Then I let it go.

I remember during his birthday in 07, he told me that there’s nothing we can’t overcome. We can do it. We’ll fight the odds. We’ve done it so many years, we can continue to do it.

We called it quits in Sept 07. Actually, he called it quits on me.

Then when we decided to call it quits, I knew he had something on with her but he kept denying it every time I asked him about it. Didn't mention her name though. Fine, I thought. Maybe he wanted to tell me but he just didn't know how to break it to me. Whatever. I don't care now. I know, because I don't know how to break it to him that I've moved on and I'm in a committed relationship now.

He knows, I'm pretty sure he knows, your gut instincts are always right. I’m just denying it.

But at that time... I kept picturing him with her, over and over again and it got so bad to a point that I could barely function.

I dreamt of him few nights ago. He had come to pick me up and we were talking in the car and he held my hand and held it to his chest and assured me that everything will be fine. I woke up almost instantly and I wanted to cry.

It breaks my heart, why didn't he want to really make it work in the first place, and now that I'm moving on, he's telling me things I wanted to hear months ago... and it makes me wonder why we spent so much time arguing about so many things where we could be working on our relationship and making it work.

I hate it that when I was fighting hard to keep us alive, he took me for granted. Now that it's over and I've moved on, he wants to fight. His fight, subtle as it is, is haunting me. I hate it when my past creeps up on me and taps me on the shoulder because it makes me wonder 'what if' and I had learnt from a very young age - "There is no such thing as what if,"

I think in one way, Andy's last visit was closure for me. The last chapter of that book.

I have moved on since, and I know I'm not lying to myself when I say this.

Because everyday I wake up and he's the first person that pops into my mind. He's the only one I want to be with. He's the one I want to share a bed with. He's the one I want to spoil.

He's the one I love <3

Nelly feat Tim McGraw - Over and Over Again
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things

Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh

But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head

Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh

I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realizes that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head

working things out

I have been on an emotional roller coaster (as most of you would have read in my earlier blogs) and every time I wanted to talk to Andy, the timing was never right.

Len and Jasmine kept telling me that "If you don't say anything now, you'll never do it. You're a procrastinator and you let him get his way too often. Say it now or never," They were right. I AM a procrastinator and I always let him get his way. I put him and his needs before mine all the time.

It was Thursday (my time) and I knew that he would be coming back to Denver from Boston on Thursday (his time, which would mean Friday morning my time). I dreaded Friday morning. In fact I dreaded Friday itself. I knew if I didn't talk to him, I would explode sooner or later. I knew if I talked to him, I would also explode. Either way I was gonna blow up :P

I woke up on Friday morning only to see an orange thing blinking on my screen. I wondered who IMed me at that time. I took my glasses off my side table to see who it was. *blink blink* it was him. Almost immediately I sat up and clicked on it "I wanna see you more," was the message. Nothing more, nothing less.

What did that mean? I kept thinking as I got ready for work. My usual routine has become mind-numbingly bored but it kept me going. It was like a robotic routine programmed into my mind to get ready and to drive to work every day.

When I got to work, as usual I would place my bag in it's usual spot, log onto my work computer and then log on to my messengers and email accounts (I have four email accounts which I have to log into and check every morning, yes I'm a freak).

Then I saw that he was online. I IMed him. Welcome back, I said. He thanked me and I asked him how was his trip. It was tiring, did you get my message he asked. I smiled to myself. Maybe he's serious this time. I replied yes and placed a smiley next to it.

Then he said the words I have wanted to hear for a very long time "Lets work on this, I was in the airport and on airplanes and kind of reliving moments I had with you and I realized, I wanted more,"

I laughed. I was so relieved. At least I knew I wasn't going crazy for no reason.

The rest of the conversation had a lot of mushy details which I will spare you from. Bottom line is, we're gonna work it out.... but it will take time because it's either he's moving over or I'm moving over. We haven't worked the details out but we're exploring all the options we have.

In the mean time, I really have to save up for a ticket!!!

deja vu

Had to go down to KL for work stuff today. I was dreading it the whole time because it was going to be at the Mandarin Oriental KLCC. And of course this is again about Andy.

I'm the kind of person who holds on to every little thing in a relationship that has passed and I will savor it slowly (in a way). I guess to me it's like, if I hold on to it, it will happen again. Somehow I just stop living and pause my world and make it revolve around just that bit.

I had flashbacks on the way there. I remember how I felt as I was feeling as I passed by the trees and the mountain range. I remember when I received his text telling me that he had just boarded his train and he'll see me in a couple of hours time and that he needs to shave, he's tired and he's just had the second worst hotel room. I remember bursting out in laughter and relief about that. I remember showing Len his text and she said "What's wrong with the man?"

When I got to KL, I thought, okay let's just not stop living, let's just go on. I'm only going to the hotel for a forum. I'm not going shopping. I can do this. Or so I told myself.

After the forum, I went over to Starbucks (can't live without my coffee unfortunately), which was pretty much not the best choice I made the entire day.

Up to the point where I reached the hotel all the way till I walked over to Starbucks, I was doing fine...

Until I saw KLCC park and I saw the spot where we sat down to talk and laugh and take photos like amazed tourists.

Then everything came rushing back to me.

What he said. What he wore. What he took pix of. What he wanted to do. What we looked at. What we talked about.

"Here's your mocha, miss" the barrista said which helped snap me out of my day dream. Then I walked back to the hotel because my driver was waiting for me there.

Snap snap snap out of it, I told myself. It's not like he's dead. It's not like we can't work this out, we just need to get the timing right to talk right now. That's all... you're making a mountain out of a molehill, I told myself. Which is true, I always make a mountain out of a molehill.

So I snapped out of it. Or at least I thought I did, until I saw the bus that I took home from the airport. It was right in front of us on the highway on the northbound route like us.

I hate this. I really do. I wanna move on. Unfortunately something somewhere is holding on to it. And if I hold on, I'm never gonna move on.............

flashbacks - part II

Two weeks ago, I woke up at 7-ish in the morning on a Monday with the feeling of impending doom. "He's going home today..." was the first thing that ran through my mind. I turned over to look at him. His back was facing me and I could see his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.

I closed my eyes, curled up in a ball and tried to block out reality.

These flashbacks come back to me very often. It makes it in a way harder to get on... but in a way makes me happy because I'm re-living moments with him.

"I'm on my way to Boston," was what he said to me yesterday night before I slept.
"Why are you going to Boston?"
"Business, I told you.... remember?" then it hit me, he had told me about his Boston trip earlier.
"Yeah, slipped my mind... sorry,"

So we talked for a bit more until he had to leave. Then it hit me... why is he telling me all these? Like when he reached HK or when he was in Tokyo leaving for home, he would IM me and let me know.

We've decided not to be together..... so is he updating me like this? Ahhh he confuses me so much.... bleh

time will heal this...

Chris sent me this last night when we were talking. (Thanks for your patience, you rock!)

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, I told him. I really don't really know how to deal with this. One day I'm fine, one day I'm all depressed and the next day I have another sudden realization and I'm fine again. The cycle never stops and it's beginning to really annoy me.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell him about the shit that I'm going through right now but then I think that it's really got nothing to do with him now. It's something that I have to deal on my own. I have to fight my own fires now without depending on him for support.

I wanna be okay again. I know it takes time. If the saying that it takes half the time of being with the person to get over the person is true, I have 3 1/2 years more to go.

It's so annoying now that I can barely hold my food down because I rarely have an appetite but I have to eat else everyone else will start asking "Why what's wrong?" and the emotional ride will start all over again. So I end up eating more than I actually can and my body throws it back out after a bit. Then if not eating well isn't good, I don't sleep too well either.

I'm going through extremes to prove I'm fine without him - being Mary Sunshine 24/7. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind....

Everyone tells me "Oh just find someone else. I wish I could and I wish it was that easy. It's like throwing myself out there and getting someone to replace my mom, my best friend or my left arm for that matter.

I don't know what song this is from but as I read through it, I realize that what it says is true.

That he means a helluva lot to me, but time will heal me, I will love again and no matter how hard it is to be without him, I'll be okay.

p/s : I know sometimes I talk about it like he's dead or something, he's not, but it's just that I have to live my life without him now - for real.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

flashbacks

As if I'm not feeling the worst I have felt in years, flashbacks keep coming back to me and every time I allow myself to re-live a moment, emotions rush through me...

Last week, I woke Andy up at 10am for no apparent reason - except that I was bored. In actual fact I was already up at 7am but couldn't go back to sleep because I was so excited about everything. It's not that I wanted to go anywhere. I was fine just being in his presence. I could just stay all day staring at him.

We went for breakfast (actually it was more of brunch than breakfast but since it was the first meal of the day...) and then after that we went traipsing around KL. Took him to the Central Market and Petaling Street as well as Suria KLCC.

We chilled out till 4pm and then decided to go back to the hotel cuz he wanted to swim in the pool. I had no suit. I kept smacking myself on the head for NOT packing a suit. I always pack a suit everywhere I go just in case I go swimming and this time, I left it out. OF ALL TIMES *sigh* so we tried to do a spot of shopping around for a new suit.

I hate buying something because I have to. I'm a very picky shopper and at times I'm like a guy. I know what I want, I go straight for it and can spend less than 5 mins in a store. I always have a rough idea of what I want and where I can get it from so my usual shopping sprees will take about 10 mins in each store unless if they're having some clearance sale so then... what can I say, I AM female after all.

It's no surprise that I didn't get anything. I should've just worn my GAP top and my undies and joined him in the pool. Instead I dipped my feet in and walked around. He wasn't swimming too much himself. He was mostly standing in one spot doing imaginary exercise moves talking to me.

We finally went back to the room and it was 9.30pm. So we decided that we should go out for food because if we stayed in, we'd be too lazy to go out when we're actually hungry later on and he had spotted a Mexican restaurant about 2 blocks down the road and he wanted enchiladas.

Right about now last week, we were sitting at the bar having his second Weihenstephen and he was telling me all about his trip to Jamaica earlier this year for Jeremy's wedding and that we should always 'respect the Dawg' and what Dr Feelgood would do for him all in the name of cash.

I miss my Andy...

Regret is a big fat bitch kicking you in the arse

There are many things I regret not doing when he was around.

1) I regret not jumping into the pool at the hotel with him even though I didn't bring a suit. I could have just worn one of my strappy tops and my low rise undies (which btw does look very bikini bottom like)
2) I regret not asking if I'll ever see him again
3) I regret not snuggling up to him when I woke up in the middle of the night and realizing that I had moved over to my side.
4) I regret not taking enough photographs of us
5) I regret not kissing him at the train station
6) I regret not asking him to stay earlier
7) I regret not asking him to take him with me
8) I regret not telling him that I love him
9) I regret not asking him about the past or the future

I think I never did all these things because I was afraid. I knew that if I told him that I loved him, I would expect him to say it in return and I didn't want him to say it because I said it.

I was afraid that if he said it because I said it, it wouldn't be real.

I was afraid that if I said it and he didn't say it in return I would be heartbroken.

I was afraid that if I took a million pictures of us together I would have a hell of a time trying to get over this.

I was afraid that if I asked him about the past of the future, I would be disappointed.

I was afraid of so many things. I was so afraid that I didn't do anything. I never jumped at the opportunity to do so many things with him around.

Now I have to live with regret, not knowing what would happen if I did tell him I loved him. I will never know how he really feels.

Breakdown

I am such a wreck. I've been crying so much since he left that my eyes are swollen. I miss Andy :(

On the way home from KLIA, the scene right before we parted kept playing in my mind. Then Mag called, and I called Len to tell her that I was on my way back and tears kept flowing because I was always reminded of the way he held me in his arms right before we parted.

Mornings are tough. I woke up yesterday and I cried. I cried because I didn't wake up next to him anymore.

I cried because I couldn't hear his constant breathing.

I cried because there was no smell of him next to me.

I cried because there was no more Andy.

Nights are tough too. Right before I slept, I looked around and I was in my own bed. I wasn't going to have to climb in under the sheets while he's still watching telly, turn off the little light on the side dresser, or move over to kiss him goodnight and drift off to sleep in his arms.

I was alone on my bed.

Even music makes me burst. I was driving out for lunch with Len yesterday and a song came on the radio and I burst out crying.....

This morning, I dreamt a little bit of him and I woke up to reality in my own room. No Andy next to me. Reality bites.... it really jumps up and bites you hard in the butt.

My heart feels.... like it's in pieces and scattered all over.

I think I'm having a break down but I'm trying not to let it get to me.....

Mariah Carey ft Bone Thugs and Harmony - Breakdown

(Layzie Bone)
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over

(Krayzie Bone)
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down

[Mariah Carey]
You called yesterday
To basically say
That you care for me but
That you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be
Feeling similarly
And led you to believe
I was ok to just walk away from the
One thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

[Chorus: sung by Mariah Carey; Krayzie Bone singing 1 in background]
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

[Mariah Carey]
So what do you do when
Somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
(Krayzie Bone in background: Gotta get control and roll roll roll on)
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave this way
Do you hold in vain
As they just slip away

[Chorus]

[Wish Bone]
Gonna break you down, down, down, only if you let it (Don't let it)
Everyday crazy situations rocking my mind trying to break me down
But I won't let it forget it
If you feel the same way that I do
Then let me hear y'all all sing too
Sing, it's al-right, it's alright, it's alright yeah
Hoping for the sun, but it looks like rain
B-O-N-E, but it's still the same
Came this far, but it's been a long road
Troubles gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on, on

[Krayzie Bone]
Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here, here
I said it's over. It's ending here, here
So I'll be on my way
And maybe we can meet up in the future one day
But for now I'm bailing, bailing
Bailing! baby gotta get up, can't take no more
I'm headed for the door
Come and take a look into this humble eye
Tell me if we lived a lie
Would our souls unite

[Layzie Bone]
Every new day is a test for me
So I just pray to the Lord for him to bless me, please
There's struggles I'm going through lately
Breaks me down, set me free
Let me be, let me be
Who else do we have to rely on
Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on
Came to get my vibe on
While you look into my eyes
Won't underestimate this soldier story
Imma tell you right now Imma stand up
Wrong if I let my lead bust
Pac said keep your head up
Don't let this world get the best of you
All my struggles, I'm through
If it's over, over, over
Don't breakdown yet it's over

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)
Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)