dorset cereals

Have been trying to eat health(ier) these days and since I can't eat much the moment I wake up especially if it's early in the morning... and it takes me forever to finish munching on my cereal... I decided to take them to work...

yummmm.... there's like SO many types of berries and cherries in it.... it's heavenly....

today

Today is four months that we've officially been together...

Today is four months that he first told me "I love you,"

Today is four months that I have accepted him into my life

Today is four months that we haven't had any arguments

Today is four months that I have lived my life with him

Today is four months that I have loved him and will continue to do so

Today is a good sign :)

Today I wish for many more similar milestones in our relationship for many many years to come.

i miss you....

It's been 72hrs since I've seen your face or felt your arms around me...

It's been 72hrs since I've smelt your lingering scent next to me...

It's been too bloody long!!!

This is my new fav song. Can't stop listening to it. I somehow always find it fascinating on how much simplicity in lyrics can mean so much and how music can make you feel emotions and thoughts and replay memories.



青山テルマ ft SoulJa - そばにいるね
※あなたのこと　私は今でも思い続けているよ
いくら時流れて行こうと　I'm by your side baby いつでも
So.　どんなに離れていようと
心の中ではいつでも一緒にいるけど　寂しいんだよ
So baby please　ただ hurry back home

△Baby boy　あたしはここにいるよ　どこもいかずに待ってるよ
You know dat I love you　だからこそ　心配しなくていいんだよ
どんなに遠くにいても変わらないよこの心
言いたい事わかるでしょ?
あなたのこと待ってるよ

[SoulJa]
んなことよりお前の方は元気か?　ちゃんと飯食ってるか?
ちくしょう、やっぱ言えねぇや
また今度送るよ　俺からのLetter

[青山テルマ]
過ぎ去った時は戻せないけれど　近くにいてくれた君が恋しいの
だけど　あなたとの距離が遠くなる程に　忙しくみせていた
あたし逃げてたの
だけど　目を閉じる時　眠ろうとする時　逃げきれないよ　あなたの事
思い出しては　一人泣いてたの

(※くり返し)
(△くり返し)

[SoulJa]
不器用な俺　遠くにいる君
伝えたい気持ちそのまま言えずに　君は行っちまった
今じゃ残された君はアルバムの中

[青山テルマ]
アルバムの中　納めた思い出の
日々より　何げない一時が　今じゃ恋しいの
And now　あなたからの電話待ち続けていた
携帯にぎりしめながら眠りについた
あたしは　どこも行かないよ　ここにいるけれど
見つめ合いたいあなたのその瞳
ねぇわかるでしょ?　あたし待ってるよ

(△くり返し)

[SoulJa]
俺はどこも行かないよ　ここにいるけれど　探し続けるあなたの顔
Your 笑顔　今でも触れそうだって思いながら手を伸ばせば　君は

(※くり返し×2)

i'm home

I'm finally back home in Ipoh for the CNY hols.

Traffic was a tad heavy but was flowing rather steadily throughout the journey. There was only a jam at the toll but we detoured and exited via the off roads instead.

Being home is a good feeling. My dogs were utterly glad and excited to see me. I was very happy to see mom again.

But dammit I miss you... that's what's wrong with me... I get too used to having you around that I miss you whenever we're apart :P

Oh well, it'll probably be a long five days without him... *sniff*

The Hottest State

How camest though hither
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb
With Love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls
For stony limits cannot hold love out
And what love can do that dares love attempt
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me

An excerpt from The Hottest State - page 91-92

Letting go

This is something that I have been putting off for quite a while - partly because I didn't want to do it and partly because I hate confrontations.

I've been seeing Colin for almost four months now, and during that entire time, I never made it clear to Andy that it is really over between the both of us. Yes I know, we broke up in 07 but still, we remained in contact and we wanted to work it out especially after meeting during his trip in Aug 08 but it never happened.

So I wrote him an email. I've decided not to tell him that I'm seeing Colin because it's really got nothing to do with him. This is between Claire Yukiko Ishikawa and Andrew Weldon and bringing a third party in will just be messy and bitter not to mention unfair.

I decided to do this because I remember how frustrating and heart wrenching it was to be in the dark back then when I was trying to figure out what was going wrong with our relationship. So just because he kept me in the dark doesn't mean that I should stoop to the same level and do it back for him. Not everything is tit for tat. The world doesn't work that way. And I owe it to him.

Anyways, this is what I wrote to him. Writing this letter was not easy. It is never easy to mention bad news to someone you care about. It is never easy to confront something that you have put aside for so long.

I know I've been putting this off for way too long, and I know that it was never fair of me to ignore you and leave you in the dark, it was selfish of me to do that and I'm sorry.

It's just that I cannot think straight when it involves you, you know that. I can never be the level-headed person I am when you are involved because I cared too much for you, that it has made me very emotional.

But you were always there in my life. You were my life. My best friend, my confidante, my mentor, my rock, my love... you were my everything. The worst part was that I had begun to be dependent on you for everything because you were the most important person in my life. My world revolved around you.

At one point, I believed that no matter what happens, we will be together and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. All I wanted was for you to be happy, even if it cost me my happiness. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life than to see you unhappy. I wanted to fight for that belief so much that I was willing to forsake everything else.

But I'm tired now. I'm tired of fighting and holding up. I need to learn to stand on my two feet.

I cannot be in a relationship with someone whom I know it will never happen. I still love you, and will always do, but I cannot hold on to this knowing that neither one of us is really that all willing to make it happen. It's not fair to you... and it's not fair to me.

When you told me that it was better for us to let go, I hated you for it because I knew you were right. I hated the fact that you didn't want to fight for it. I hated the fact that you didn't want to hold on. I hated myself because I kept blaming myself for everything that went wrong. We said let got but I kept on hanging on... maybe because I didn't want to accept the fact that it was over... maybe because I was in denial about the whole thing...

But I knew you were right on the decision. You always are. You always knew me better than I knew myself. And I hate you for that. I've attached that conversation we had on that day and everytime I read it, it seems to make more sense and at the same time it evokes very strong emotions in me, almost as if I'm reliving the conversation.

In a way, I think us letting go helped me to shed some light. If we didn't, I would still be holding on to something that may or may not happen and constantly being frustrated about it. We've spent the last few years constantly disagreeing on every other thing. And that is not how I want you to live your life and me, mine.

As I said earlier, I don't want you to be unhappy and for the past year, nothing has been happy for either one of us. I keep demanding for your attention and time when I clearly knew you didn't have time for me and that frustrated me and made me pissy at you which then in turn made you pissy. I know you don't want me to be upset but you just didn't have the time for yourself - with all the work problems and all... let alone have time to deal with a pissy me.

It's been 7 years and if it could never happen, I don't think it will ever happen. Corny and cliche as it may sound, but I think that your trip here was probably the final chapter to closing the book.

After you left, I was an emotional heap of crap and distress. I was breaking down. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything but cry and blame myself for everything that went wrong and blame myself for all the things I regretted not doing.

Letting go of you was the hardest thing I had to do, and to have to physically let go of you and walk away from you at the airport... that took a lot out of me.

I love you. I always have and always will.

But I cannot do it again. I cannot lose you twice in a lifetime. I cannot say bye and walk away from you twice in a lifetime. It's just too much pain and frustration and heartache. I refuse to do it.

I actually keep a copy of all our conversations dating back to 2000 when we first started talking on ICQ and I read them over and over again whenever I missed you.

I still harbor the hopes that we'd end up together. That we would grow old, wrinkly and white-haired together and live in a large house by ourselves with dogs in the backyard and raspberry shrubs along the side. But deep down inside I know it will never happen.

I'm going to put myself first, I am my priority. I know it's the most selfish way, but it's the easiest way for me to move on. I'm starting anew this year and slowly putting it all behind me.

You were the best thing that happened to me and God knows what kind of a person I would be if you were never in my life. And I thank you for being there for me and shaping me into the person that I am now.

I'm sorry for this and it probably sounds harsh but I will continue to not talk to you until I'm ready to do so. I need to go cold turkey on this because the temptation and emotions, the seduction is there and that is the rut I'm trying to get out of. I need to have my own life now and not be in a virtual relationship.

I'm sorry this took so long but again, I was in denial, I have always been in denial when it comes to any decision making thing which concerns you. I kept thinking that maybe we can work this out. But now I've made my decision, which is to fully support the decision you made two years ago - to let go.

Bah, humbug!

For the first time in weeks... since slightly before Christmas, I had barely had a weekend to sleep in. Was rushing around because of Christmas, weddings, engagements, hen's nights, my new job and also Megu's visit.

For the first time in days... I don't have to actually wake up when my alarm rings and instead of hitting the snooze button and wishing that I can just go back to sleep, I'm bloody wide awake at 7am on a Saturday morning...

Bah....

Pieces of me

Ashlee Simpson - Pieces of Me

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
When youre happy, it's a mission
And you wont stop 'til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
Well, I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...
I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...
So I can breathe

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

i'm so exhausted....

This has been a rather long week for me... I started my first week of work at my new company and it's been quite alright. Workload isn't too much but I know I shouldn't take it too easy. Corp Comm is never a breeze.

Then on Friday night, I rushed to KLIA to pick up Megu and then back to Ipoh.

I've been rushing around so much... I'm so tired....

And I miss my puppy :( I don't get to see him every day... okay fine it's only been today where I saw him for 3-4hrs during Simmy and Harpreet's wedding... but that's in public with people...

I miss waking up next to him... I miss falling asleep next to him... I miss the smell of him...

I miss my puppy...

100 days

Today is our 100th day together. Personally, I think there's too much emphasis on the magnitude of the word -hundred- don't you? It's like... a large number... but it's not that all large...

Anyhoo, I told the puppy that today is the 100th day we've been together. He smiled at me and kissed me on the forehead.

So we planned to go watch a movie... and dinner after that as a mini celebration. To set the record straight - I did not tell him to subtly hint that I want to celebrate. I told him because I was happy and in a way surprised that we made it to 100 days. It's a milestone for me!

It was simple but I had a great day. Happy100th day hun. Love you *hugs*

p/s : this is one of the most intimate/private moments shot of us and I love it. Thanks Cal!

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.

Went to BK for dinner today and we were kinda watching the stuff on telly and this made me think

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.

I think it's true. I do think that it's happier to be sometimes cheated on than not to trust. This is what I'm learning to do. I think trust is a very important thing in life - not just relationships. One of my biggest and ugliest weakness is that I can never have complete faith in anyone.

I don't know what it is, but I could never place complete trust and faith in any one in my life.

Maybe one part of me is just too skeptical about things. Maybe part of me believes too much that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Maybe part of me has been hurt too much that I could never allow myself to be vulnerable again. Maybe I'm just weird.

I cheat. Not physically of course. But mentally I do. I lie a lot. I always try to believe that I can never lie to the ones I love. But in actual fact, everyone lies to the ones they love the most. I think it's an instinct - lying is some sort of protection.

I know lying for me, is some sort of natural defense mechanism. I'll revelate that later. Still trying to figure out why I do that. Probably an only child, fantasy world thing....

But I would much rather be cheated on sometimes than to have someone not trust me and to not be able to trust that someone.

I lie because I know it makes the other person happy. For me, nothing is more important than that. I'd much rather spend my life in misery than to watch the ones I love spend their lives in misery because of me. I would sacrifice my happiness for theirs, even if it meant that I would be miserable.

To see them smile, is my happiness - and I would give up everything just to have that happiness.

New

New Year, New Life, New Surroundings, New Job, New Me.

That's my sentence for the year. Everything is new. I'm starting afresh. Leaving the old (well the negative bits only of course) behind.

Starting my new job tomorrow. A tad nervous. It reminds me of being at school all over again - not knowing where my table (well in this case, workstation or cubicle) will be, don't know who will be sitting near me, what I'll have to do, what is required of me, whether or not the people will be nice (well I'm sure they'll be fine but of course everyone's nice to you on your first day... it's after a bit when you see their true colors anyways), what kind of impression I'll be making, the list is endless.

Anyhoo, keep your fingers crossed for me that it'll be a great day tomorrow.

Love Bug

Heard this song on the radio a couple of times and I loved it. Little did I know, it was a cover by The Jonas Brothers, and I must say - I am impressed.

Anyhoo, it was the chorus that caught my attention. It totally describes the place I'm in right now.

I never knew... and I never thought I would fall in love again. Especially not so soon, so fast and so hard.

I guess there IS a first time for everything :) ~ love you hun~

The Jonas Brothers - Love Bug
Called you for the first time yesterday
Finally found the missing part of me
Felt so close but you were far away
Left me without anything to say

Now I'm speechless
Over the edge I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this
Love Bug again

Hopeless
Head over heels in the moment
I never though that I'd get hit
by this love bug again

I can't get your smile out of my mind
I think about your eyes all the time
Your beautiful but you dont even try
Modesty is just so hard to find

Now I'm speechless
Over the edge I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this
Love Bug again

Hopeless
Head over heels in the moment
I never though that I'd get hit
by this love bug again

Kissed her for the first time yesterday
Everything I wished that it would be
Suddenly I forgot how to speak
Hopeless,breathless baby cant you see

Now I'm speechless
Over the edge I'm just breathless
I never thought that I'd catch this
Love Bug again

Hopeless
Head over heels in the moment
I never though that I'd get hit
by this love bug again
Love bug again

Happy New Year 2009!!!

Happy New Year everybody!!!

Normally I don't do resolutions. They're never practical anyways... anyhoo, this year I've come up with a few - since I'm starting a lot of things anew, I thought what the heck, why not have a few resolutions while I'm at it.

The ~babygirl®'s new year resolutions are
a) not to over eat
I have been over eating these last few weeks of 2008 and I really need to stop stuffing myself!
b) exercise
Make full use of the condo's swimming pool facilities. May it be half an hour or just 10 laps a day... it's still exercise.
c) less choccies
Had a eeeky dream last night that I had a massive pimple break out... I'm actually terrified!
d) curb the green-eyed monster

At the moment these are the few ones I can think of... so let's see how long this lasts!