Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Thank you

For not answering my texts from 10.50pm till the time I got home

For making me worried

For making me doubt when I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt

For pissing me off...

Thank you

Monday, December 28, 2009

Nightmares again

Had some more nightmares.... this was a really long one though....

But it is just so BLOODY annoying because how do you expect me to honor my end of the promise if I keep getting vibes from you?

I'm having the same dreams again and again and again

And it's not that I don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt... it's just that once bitten twice shy. You've allowed me to be bitten twice...

I can let go of the first 'mistake' but not the second one.

Where you knew it wasn't something you should've done and yet you did it. When you knew it would hurt me and our relationship and yet you went ahead with it.


I'm trying to learn to trust you. I really am. But I cannot do it if you cannot assure me that there is nothing to worry about...

So until you really can show me you are honoring your end of the promise... I cannot show you that I am.

We live on a two-way street. Deal with it.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Apa dosa ku?

Over a year ago, I went for a play on a Perakean WWII heroine - Sybil

Little did I know then, it was produced by the puppy's mother and little did I know now that the puppy would be acting in the eight-part series on local telly. He plays Han Ah Kow who is an alliance with the Kathigasus which was sent off to Singapore midway because the Japanese were suspecting him, and so Sybil changed his name to Don Juan (just in case). He comes back but is later murdered by the Japanese to get to Sybil.

Dating a celebrity is fun although it tends to get on your nerves quite a bit at times. Anyhoo, followed the puppy on set one day and it was interesting, to be in such a sleepy town and yet wonder, have we lost touch by being that dependent on modernity and technology?
Mahjong neighbors going klakkity klak... klakkity klak... klak... klak all day long
The main road of Papan town... and that's it... I'm not kidding you
Getting into position. This part is based on the Sook Ching Massacre which was also carried out here in Papan, Perak.
Pre-war buildings which are still preserved and used in the Papan folks daily lives
Setting up lightingIt took them a while to get everything set up and all, so I took a walk down an alley from the main road and saw this serene street of homes

The puppy running through his lines with the lead actress who plays Sybil
Aunty Audrey plays Marie Weaver in the series. Here she is in make up and wardrobe
Setting up for the clinic scene
Getting into character
"Cut! Great scene!" said Bernard.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Two nightmares in a night

I'm looking for a way to vent out my frustrations and to learn forgiveness and somehow it seems to be channeling through my dreams.

I had two nightmares last night and couldn't figure out why or how to deal with it. My dreams... when they are vivid and jolt me out of bed feeling exactly the same way I was feeling in the dreams usually means something. No I'm not just saying it just to sound deep and what not. But I'm saying it because it has always been that way. So much so that I have learnt to decipher my dreams to understand my inner demons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nightmare #1
He was supposed to tell her to fuck off and kick her out of our lives, as promised. But instead, there was a mile long explanation... 457 lines long of Gtalk IM explaining to her why. Why the fuck would he need to explain to her why. She knows. She knows I dislike her in our lives. She knows I don't want her in our lives. She knows I am this close to enforcing a warrant that she cannot come NEAR us at all and yet she's spiteful. She wants to make me feel some pain. She wants to win.

I asked him about it and he blew up. Like he had something to hide. He screamed and scolded me in the dream. He accused me of being distrustful and not holding on to what we said we would do. I screamed back pot calling the kettle black.

I woke up in a shock. Heart pounding. Scared. Not wanting to go back to sleep in case my dream continues. I finally fell asleep after a bit because of exhaustion.

Nightmare #2
Somehow we were in another house which was our home and someone was giving up a pup for adoption. He was bloody eager to adopt the pup. I was neither here nor there. I didn't want to because I knew we didn't have the time or the space for a dog in our apartment. He was adamant. So I gave in.

Somehow or rather along the line, the puppy adoption comes with a kid. Little 3-4 year old Malay boy - Aiman. He was even more eager to adopt the child together. I told him we cannot handle it because we're both not mature enough. We don't have the financial or the physical capability to take care of the two girls, a puppy and an adopted son. He insisted. So I gave in as usual. I always give in to him because I want him to be happy. So I started to bond with the child. Then I realized he was missing. Aiman asked where was he. So I decided to look for him.

I searched high and low around the house and reached outside our room door. It was closed. I knocked. I heard him say "Baby don't come in! Don't come in!" but I went in anyways. He was there making out with someone and when I screamed bloody murder again. He screamed back. Calling me distrustful again. We had a big fight and he wanted out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I even begin to let go and trust you back after how you have hurt me? How can I honor our promise to each other when you have not?


I'm very sure he hasn't told her to fuck off yet. There will be hell to pay soon.

Dreams

I know a lot of people don't think too much of their dreams. I do. I believe dreams are something that your subconscious mind is thinking about and is probably trying to tell you.

My dreams this year have been rather prophetic... giving me epiphanies... insights that I've never noticed in real life that I never realized.

You know it's like how sometimes we keep looking at the big picture so much so that we forget about the smaller details that sometimes seem minute but are a big deal? My dreams help me fill in the smaller details so that my big picture will be alright.

The last two nights in a row I have had... dreams that have gotten me thinking. Dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night and dreams that don't make me want to go back to sleep in fear of continuing and finding out what I don't need to know.

The scary part is, 9 out of 10 dreams have materialized.

I'm actually scared to fall asleep these days because I don't want to know. I want to stay ignorant because knowing is eating me alive.

My dreams and me are going through a very Catch-22 situation right now.

Never mind. It's the end of the decade. I'm going to put all that in the past and start the year afresh.

I'm going to end the decade by binding all the bad and negative thoughts and attracting all the great ones because I know deep down it will be a great 2010! :)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

We'll both throw this out the window

She IM-ed him again. While I was there. So I replied instead of him, with his permission of course and after a bit, she said "Eiihhh menyampah!" and went offline.

I was still pissed. He told me "Baby calm down, it's okay...." so I mustered up all my courage and asked if he wants to know what I want to do because I am so effing pissed right now. He said show me.

I did.

I clicked on her name. Clicked on "Recent Conversations" and saw one convo in the trash. Clicked on it and it was the one where he asked her to come over. He gave her the address. He gave her the directions.

I screamed bloody murder.

Unfair. Yes. This happened before we both said that we'll let it go. But I just had to prove my point. I knew something was happening and I knew something wasn't right but I had no proof. Now I did. And it hurt. Makes me wonder if I was better off not knowing. He kept apologizing. Not that it mattered any more now. The trust is gone.

Either way, glass is shattered. We're both picking up the pieces. Milk has been spilt.

He will tell her to stop because this is affecting his relationship with his girlfriend. He said it's okay I can make new contacts.

I will drop it and never talk about it again.

As I said earlier, I'll hold on to his words for now. Hun I'm sorry, but until I actually feel comfortable, I cannot trust you completely any more. I need you to show me the conversation you've had with her telling her off, because we BOTH came to a compromise. If you cannot show me that you are honoring your word, I cannot show you that I am.

You've done this twice. Threat or no threat, hate or not hate, but this is the last straw.

One more time of twisting my arm and it's over. I don't care if you die, or you OD or you get run down by a car... I don't care. Because you didn't care enough about me....

Friday, December 18, 2009

Lucky enough to forget

"Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget." - Meredith Grey :: The Heart of the Matter
I'm recently going through a bit of a 'matter' and we had a huge emotional falling out. I can't help but keep playing it in my mind even though I told him I will throw it out the window.

Long story cut short, it was about the same bitch again and again. Colin doesn't seem to realize that his friendship with her is jeopardizing AND threatening the relationship he has with me.

But we've both kind of come to a compromise... I will stop bringing it up and he will cut her off from his life.

Unfortunately, I have got old wounds that will take a very long time to heal and what this is doing now is rubbing salt or pouring sand into the wound. I don't want it to affect me any more than he wants it but sad to say, take it or leave it. I can't just wake up one day with no wounds. Even so, there will be scars. And I don't need any more.

I'm going to try to attract more positive things in life....

So here's to hoping, that I will be lucky enough to forget... and to have forgiveness because right now.... I have lost all faith and hope....

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Granting your heart's desire

My lover's heart will feel this pin,
and his devotion I will win.
There'll be no way for him to rest nor sleep,
until he comes to me to speak.

Only when he loves me best
will he find peace, and with peace
rest

Monday, December 14, 2009

Requiscat in pace

My uncle just passed away this morning after a brave and courageous long fight with cancer.

I’m feeling neither here nor there.

I’m partly content because now he doesn’t have to suffer any more. But I’m feeling very heartbroken because I have lost a great person in my life.

He was the uncle that I was closest with growing up. We lived one street away and my cousins were around my age. He was always there watching me grow up and I have always had him in my life.

He was my Kau Fu (that’s Cantonese for mother’s older brother) and I was his Chue Poh (lit. Pig woman. It is a term of endearment he used to call me because I was terribly chubby as a child and it stuck on till now. Most people say it’s offensive to have someone call you that, but I don’t care. That’s between me and my Kau Fu). He was the one I looked forward to hanging out with... he was the one who took me on holidays... he was the one who was always there to defend me when mom wanted to reprimand me... he was always there for me.

There came a point in life where I was growing up and drifted apart from the family. I felt that no one really understood me. But then again not that I really sought them out to do so anyways. I felt that it didn’t matter.

When I first heard the news about his cancer, I seemed unconcerned. It was rather surreal to me. It was only until I saw him during a recent trip. He had aged terribly, looked frail, but was still kept a steady and brave front.

The news this morning didn’t really shatter me as much as I thought it would. In a way, we all knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of sooner or later, unfortunately.

I cried when I broke the news to mom.

He really did mean a lot to the both of us. He was her partner in crime and over protective brother growing up. He was also her solace during her tumultuous years. He was a father figure and a devoted uncle to me.

Kau Fu... I applaud and am greatly proud of your fight. It must have taken so much out of you and I am sorry I couldn’t be of any more help. I know I have never said this but I do appreciate all you have done for me. I love you and I will miss you terribly. More than I can ever express.

Rest in peace....

Thursday, December 10, 2009

We reap what we sow

Stories of infidelity splash the headlines in a frenzied fury these days. It is newspapers, gossip tabloids, entertainment channels and everything and everywhere.

It is very sad to see such things happen in our society. I am a firm believer in the sanctity of a marriage or a relationship in this case (since I’m not married yet). There is never any excuse for infidelity. We are all equal in that all of us have self-control.

I have absurdly strong principles on certain/weird matters, and one of them is this.

I believe in holding on to the vows I have made for my partner, I believe in going thru thick and thin, I believe in honoring and respecting him as my partner.
Believe it or not, I hold on to it like my life depends on it.

Which reminds me, where the hell has the sanctity of a marriage gone these days? Was it JUST a ceremony? Was it so that you’ll have what it looks like – a fairytale wedding? Was that it?

Famous couples gone thru infidelity – the Beckhams, Liz Hurley & Hugh Grant, Jen & Brad... and now Tiger and Elin Woods.....

Even a local newsy highlighted cases of husbands seeking prostitutes because their wives are busy climbing the corporate ladder.

Most times I want to say, couples have no one else to blame but the both of them because in a marriage, it takes two to clap. It takes two to hold up a sacred bond. Couples should have more moral values and self control to hold up your marriage no matter what happens.

For most men (forgive me, but this is a generalization based on personal experience here) sexual gratification is a physical thing, but for women, it is emotional.

Men have insecurities and believe me when they say "It's not you, it's me,” because no matter what his partner does to make him feel like the big man he is, he still feels like that teeny little insecure little bugger inside... and so he WILL act on it to make him feel better.
But so do women.

It's not rocket science... men and women cheat because they can and want to... and trust me, most times, they want to. Which makes me wonder, for all you cheaters out there, what on earth did your partner do (not do) to make you want to cheat? Or is it really the case of ‘it’s right there...’

But seriously, if it’s right there or if this is about some sorta revenge, please... at least have the decency to choose someone hotter than your current partner. You’re supposed to progress... not digress....

A relationship is as strong or weak as the both of you are. If the both of you have entered into it for the right reasons, then it is most definitely strong enough to keep out all odds. A relationship is only threatened by adultery if those in it allow it to be.

We live in a materialistic and commercialized world where everyone is used to and demands instant gratification. We are so strung up on being able to do everything in almost an instant....

We all know that nothing is magic. Nothing happens immediately. If you want something, you have to work for it.
So I say, hold on to your damned wedding vows and honor thy partner.

Because it is true – we do reap what we sow in a marriage or in a relationship. If you give 50% your partner will give 50%.

So yeah, clean up your own mess. If you don't want to... don't create one in the first place.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Best Dance Act nominee - electro.pup!


The puppy just got nominated for Best Dance Act for the Voize Independent Music Awards 2010

Please share and show your support for local acts and vote for the electro.pup!

I know this is biased. Of course I'm biased. We're talking about my puppy!

Popularity voting for the nominees carry 30% in this awards and while 30% isn't that all much (but it ain't little either!) we're trying to get as many unique IP votes as possible.

You can vote for as many times as you wish for each category/nominee but please don't spam it.

Here's how :

1. Click on this link ---- >http://www.voize.my/awards.php

2. Best Dance Act is listed to the left... somewhere in the middle. Click on it

3. Then scroll to the bottom, you'll see a list of the nominees for the category. If you want to know more about the nominee, there's a (View) button to the right of the nominee's name. Click on it to check out their popfolio with their profile and a player.

4. Pick electro.pup and click [Vote Me]

5. Voila, your job is done :)

If you want more... here are some other links

www.myspace.com/myelectropup
www.reverbnation/electropup
www.amp.channelv.com/electropup

Friday, November 13, 2009

A reason, a season or a lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Love Heart

What the hell is a love heart??? geez!
It appalls me when media cannot get their language right.
Especially when they are reporting in their main language.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Livid

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together."
- Meredith Grey :: Losing My Mind

My boyfriend just wished his ex girlfriend (whom he’s still in touch with even though she dumped him for another guy while he was studying overseas and broke his heart) Happy Birthday on her Facebook wall and called her ‘luv’

Livid

L-I-V-I-D

Maybe more, nothing less.

I blew up at him last night when I saw that.

Instead of coddling me... instead of apologizing and telling me that he’s sorry and that it’ll never happen again, he tells me to lighten up, baby because it’s no big deal. It’s just a name, like how you call some of your friends sweetie.

*KABOOM*

Apparently, because he doesn’t know any of my ex boyfriends, it doesn’t really matter if I do what he did or not. What a bunch of fucking bullshit.

I would never do anything that would put you in an uncomfortable spot. I’m only asking for the same treatment. Is that so hard? Where the hell is your common sense?

I’m pissed. Yes. Irrational and stupid. No.

Do I even know how I want to handle it? No, but I do know something. I cannot stand the look of his face right now.

But yes, I’m wondering what the hell am I not going crazy...

Monday, October 26, 2009

The good and the bad

I'm bored at work, I will admit that. I'm reading stuff that I should be doing at my leisure time. But oh well, it's almost 5 anyways!

Anyhoo, was reading up on horoscopes and what's good and bad in each sign and this is what I found....

Scorpio (Men) - Deep, mysterious and irresistible.
The Bright Side
A little eye contact and suggestive touch, and you can live for days without nourishment.
That is pretty true... :)
Never a dull moment in bed or anywhere else.
Yeah, he's always got something interesting to share with me...
The Bad Side
Unrepentantly suspicious.
I have yet to see this part of him. Thank goodness!
All too frequent (and apparent) bouts of depression.
Yes. This is very true. He's got more bouts of depression than I've got. But I guess it's an artist/creative person thing.

Pisces (Women) - Lilting lovers of life.
The Good Side
Soft-focused lovers and nurturers who really care.
She'll find beauty in everything humanly possible.
The Bad Side
Defensive or passive-aggressive, whatever works.
Yes, whatever works.
Will stalk for details about anything remotely suspicious.
Oh yes, I've become quite the professional sleuth... not something I'm really proud of but heck, it saves me a bit of a heart and head ache many a times

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Marriage

"Not that I am incapable of love, it's just that I find love as odd as wearing shoes,"
Gregory Corso - Marriage

Friday, October 23, 2009

home alone

I'm home alone for these few days. The puppy has gone back home to get the Volvo fixed and to see his chiropractor.

It feels odd being here alone.

I know I've been living here for over 10 months but it's still not really my place, if you know what I mean.

The house is so quiet... :(

Hun... come home quick...

Monday, October 19, 2009

17 reasons I hope I'll never have to be told

Read this in the newsies today (click here for original link) and well, much as I'd like to deny, our norms and sanctity of relationships these days differ a lot from the days of our parents and grandparents.

This article made me pray - that I'll never have to hear these 17 reasons. Sexist and unconfident as I may seem to sound but after all that has happened, I have stopped having that much faith in men. I'm not judging. I'm just saying that we are all human, and as the saying goes, "To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine"

My take is, if you have an affair (or two) you have no one else to blame but yourself - mainly because you allowed it to happen. So don't go blaming your partner or the "seducer" and all that sorta nonsense. Things happen because you allow it to.

"There is no such thing as an accident"

Master Oo Gway, Kung Fu Panda


There may be 17 reasons for indulging in an affair but they don’t count in a marriage.

A GOOD friend who has been having an affair with a married man for six years called me in despair the other day.

“I think the @#$%^*& is cheating on me,” she said.

I tried to think of a response more sympathetic than the one on the tip of my tongue: “Like, duh! What do you expect?”

But as it turned out, I wasn’t given a chance to respond immediately.

“How could he do this to me?” she continued. “I thought we had a good relationship.”

“How can an affair be considered a good relationship?” I wanted to say, but she’d already second-guessed my response.

“We’ve been together for six years now. Doesn’t that count for anything? This isn’t just a fling,” she said, in an attempt to rationalize her behavior all these years.

“What makes you think he’s cheating on you?” I said.

“I saw an e-mail he wrote to another woman.”

“How did you manage to see that?”

“I know the password to his e-mail account.”

I don’t know about you, but accessing someone’s e-mail account without their consent is a sure sign that you don’t trust that person.

“Did you confront him about it?”

“Yes. But he said I misinterpreted his playfulness.”

Then my friend asked me the one question I never want to hear when someone is having relationship problems.

“What do you think I should do?”

“Dump the #$@*%!” I wanted to say, but didn’t. Experience has taught me that couples who split up can sometimes get back together. And all the unflattering things that I might have said about the no-good, cheating, louse could come back to haunt me.

Then, just as I was telling my friend that she deserved better than having to sneak around, she gave out an almighty shriek.

“Oh, My God, he’s at my front door,” she said, sounding suddenly all excited. “I must look a real mess. Sorry, gotta run.”

Although I was brought up during a time when “good” people just didn’t have affairs, I try not to judge my friend. But I do wonder why an intelligent, vivacious woman would take this route.
Of course, as most people might be quick to point out, today’s moral and ethical landscape is vastly different from that of my childhood – when women who had affairs were often marginalized from mainstream society. But I didn’t realize how much things have really changed, until I discovered a book called When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Kirshenbaum writes pragmatically about the 17 reasons that people have for cheating on their spouse, whether it be a one-night stand or a long-term fling. Reasons that are not always selfish or immoral – at least, that’s her argument.

So, just to satisfy your curiosity, here are the 17 valid reasons for cheating:

> Break out into selfhood (so you can be and express yourself – painting might also help).

> Accidental (crashing into a tree is usually accidental, or breaking a glass, but never sex. Unless, of course, you get so drunk that you can’t tell the difference between your partner and your next-door neighbor).

> Sexual panic (to prove that you are still sexually capable – as if you can’t prove that with your partner).

> Let’s kill this relationship (and see if it comes back to life).

> Mid-marriage crisis (will add sparkle to a stale or problematic marriage).

> Trading up (when you’ve “moved on” but your spouse hasn’t – note: spouses should not be upgraded like cars or houses).

> Heating up your marriage (the fear of being found out will add more spice to your marriage).

> I just needed to indulge myself (shades of Bill Clinton).

> Ejector seat (either your spouse will kick you out or your lover will give you the courage to quit).

> See if (see if what you’ve been missing in your marriage can be found elsewhere).

> Distraction (will make you forget life’s difficulties – a game of Monopoly or a glass of wine might also do the trick).

> Surrogate therapy (will help you overcome feelings of inadequacy, frustration, etc – a shrink might also help).

> Do I still have it? (sounds like sexual panic).

> Having an experience I missed out on (there’s always bungee jumping, or origami, or trekking in Nepal to consider).

> Revenge (creepy).

> Midlife crisis (sounds like sexual panic again).

> Unmet needs (what happened to unmet commitments?).

My advice to anyone contemplating an affair?

Either you’re married or you’re not. There’s nothing in between.

Friday, October 16, 2009

intoxication

in⋅tox⋅i⋅ca⋅tion   /ɪnˌtɒk sɪˈkeɪ ʃən/
Show Spelled Pronunciation [in-tok-si-key-shuh n]
Show IPA
noun
1. inebriation; drunkenness
2. an act or instance of intoxicating
3. overpowering exhiliration or excitement of the mind or emotions
4. Pathology poisoning

Being in love is intoxicating. It really is. You lose all your senses. Excitement is everywhere. Feelings leave you elated beyond self control. Drugged out of your mind.

It's like you've had 10 shots of vodka when you haven't even touched alcohol. It's like you just had a joint when you haven't even lit anything. It's like dancing for hours on end on the dancefloor when you haven't even put on your dancing shoes.

But it makes me wonder.

If you're already intoxicated, and you add a hallucinogen, how does that mess with your mind?

Would the double dose of it help?
Would it confuse you?
Would you know what is real and what isn't?
Would you be feeling stimulants from the intoxication of feelings or intoxication of the hallucinogen?

There will be no such thing as sobriety any more, now would it.

So when you stop the hallucinogen, and you're only intoxicated, how long till you wake up and realize that you were only hallucinating?

How would you really know?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Never again...

I dreamt of Andy the other day. It surprised me. The dream evoked some dormant feelings that I have yet to confront and truthfully, I don't think I want to. It may seem cowardly and that I am in denial - which I am, but part of me argues that it is in the past and there's no need to bring it up again.

What he has done to me has left a gaping wound. It has made me wary of trusting another partner or person so much that I was floating around from relationship to relationship in the years we were fighting and apart.

I know I have no one else to blame for this but myself - because I let him do it to me. I let myself feel bitter and not confront my feelings about this when I know I clearly should.

But I still won't do it.

Why?

I am not sure what I want from this. Sometimes are best left unsaid. I don't need Pandora's box open. Besides, I don't think whatever that results from this will be that all positive.

So Andy, if you ever read this, these are the reasons why I would not want to. Never again...

1. Fukuko and Yukiko Suzuki - enough said. If there are already two women that you hid and never told me about and yet I was able to find out, I can't even begin to imagine how many more are there that I don't know of. Plus I asked you repeatedly about Fukuko and you constantly denied it and called me paranoid.

Let's not forget that little Emily Bremmer thing you had in the early stages of moving to Colorado. Don't think I never found out.

2. Double standards - you can do it but I can't? And you expect me to forgive you just for that just because I, too have done it before? Rules cannot be set like that and broken. You cannot tell someone not to do this and do it yourself. You have to live with your own guilt. I can't help you with that. If you feels like crap, well trust me, I know how it feels like. But you'll probably have it worse. At least I had the guts to step up and admit it. You were my role model and yet you couldn't bring yourself to do the right thing but always wanted me to. I know it was for my own good. But, seriously.

3. Phone calls - How do you expect me to be with you when you barely picked up of my calls? Your damned paranoia about random ppl calling you up to sucker you into things is just an excuse - and you know that. It's not like you don't know I'll be calling on your birthday, Christmas Day,Valentine's and New Year's Day because I have been doing that for the umpteen years that we were together.

Plus, out of the seven years, you've have only called me ONCE. Wow.

4. My birthday - I remember you specifically saying that it wasn't a matter of forgetting but more of never remembering it in the first place. 8 years, Andy... 8 years... you'd think that somehow or rather you could at least have the initiative to remember it once. You never did care about dates even though you know that I cared - the worst part of it was hearing you say that "It's not so much of forgetting, it's more of never bothering to remember in the first place."

You knew how much it bugged me. You knew how much it meant to me. But, you never bothered... AT ALL.

I knew how much you didn't really care, so I didn't bother you too much about it.

I mean, seriously.

5. Anniversaries - I need not repeat myself after all that birthday crap.

6. What difference does it make? - Let me tell you what difference it makes. Towards the end you really didn't care about me anymore, in fact you ignored me and asked me that questions since we barely spoke online.

I hate to say this but this is what I'm going to ask you now, Andy - What difference does it make?

7. Support - you knew how attached I was to my bunny and yet when my bunny died you didn't even bother to offer me any solace or support.

I was changing jobs and moving to a different state for it and you didn't bother to find out and then lashed out saying that I didn't tell you, which I did. You just never noticed.

8. Sincerity - You could have done a lot of things differently to show it but you didn't. It irked the crap outta me when you had a chance to meet up with my best friend but made no real initiative. Instead you flaked on her.

Plus, if you really wanted to be together, you would've come to visit me after you finished school and before moving back to your parents home. But you didn't.

Then you could have gotten a job transfer to Australia while I was still in school. But you didn't.

Instead you only visited me because you had a 3-day layover in Malaysia. If it weren't for that layover, I don't think you would've even came here at all.

9. A real relationship - we live on opposite sides of the globe. While a long distance webcamming relationship worked when we were in school... we're both adults now... continuing a long distance webcamming relationship is just plain sad. I want a real relationship.

10. Interest - You knows less about my family than I know about your family... and there's only ONE person in my family. I know your parents and sister's full names. You don't even know my parents names. I don't think you even knows what my mom's first name is, let alone my dad's.

11. Commitment - You gives me no sense of commitment or security. Andy, you say you want to be with me but you don't want to commit. Don't go telling me your Ferrari dealership story because at least other people are offering me a Ferrari, whether or not they're really giving it to me is one thing but at least they're offering it to me. They're also showing it to me, asking me what color I want it in, letting me customize, touch, sit it and drive it. You on the other hand, are going to Ferrari dealerships telling them you want to buy a Ferrari but refuse to put a down payment or pay instalments for it. Things don't work that way.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Dead Duck

Got this in an email and I found it hilarious!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in acoma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat satback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I'm losing it...

Yes, I'm losing the need to want to hang out with my friends. I'm losing the will to go all out to have fun.

Why?

I'm TOO damned comfortable where I am right now... that's why

So sue me why don't you

Monday, September 28, 2009

One year

Today is one year.

We've come such a long way.

Surprisingly, I am speechless - or rather - uninspired to write.

My muse has gone into hiding.

Must have had too much of expectations of the day.

I should stop putting things on a diamond encrusted and gilded pedestal.


Happy anniversary hun.... love you <3

Friday, September 18, 2009

bunny + puppy's astro reading

The puppy showed me his reading this morning which he found to be rather accurate so he asked me to read it and see if I felt the same way too. His was actually much more accurate than mine.... anyways here's mine and his with my comments as well

Just to let you know, I was born on Feb 28 and am a Piscean whereas the Puppy was born on Nov 11 and is a Scorpion

This is mine...

Rising Sign is in 28 Degrees Scorpio

You tend to be quiet, reserved, secretive and, at times, quite difficult to understand. Others notice your deep emotions and feelings and wonder how to draw you out. Stubborn and tough, you fight for any position you believe in. You are very resourceful and formidable when you become angered or upset about something. You enjoy living life at the cutting edge -- for you life must be experienced intensely and totally. Quite courageous, you are willing to take calculated risks. Easily hurt by others, you often strike back with bitter sarcasm. Sensitive and curious, you are concerned with the deeper mysteries of human psychology. Once you have become interested in any subject, you pursue it with total fanaticism.

True, I am reserved and deeply emotional and when I like something a lot, I'll get all obsessive about it.

Sun is in 08 Degrees Pisces.

Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy, dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you may be quite psychic.

True, I do tend to get very emotional overwhelmed but it also depends on who is around me and yes I do cry easily.

Moon is in 26 Degrees Aries.

High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring.

Mercury is in 11 Degrees Aquarius.

You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Not too sure about the impartial thing. I feel rather biased about a lot of things and boycott whichever I don't to the fullest


Venus is in 28 Degrees Capricorn.

You tend to keep your feelings under control -- emotions are only released in serious or important situations. You are distrustful of others whose behavior could be judged excessive or immoderate. As such, you prefer to relate only to those who are older than you or to those whose position is such that respect and duty are more important for both of you than passion or emotional response. Be careful, however, of relationships that are merely based on practicality or utility or you will ultimately be lonely.

Very true, I don't let people know how I feel most of the time - partly because I don't think it's any of their business.

Mars is in 18 Degrees Libra.

You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.

No comment. It's neither here nor there

Jupiter is in 10 Degrees Scorpio.

You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.
True, I'm quite the inquisitive cat. It's partly my obsessions, if there's something I want to know, trust me. I can dig. Many can attest to this.

Saturn is in 21 Degrees Libra.

Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.

Very true, the moment I start to commit, that's when my life ends and focus is all on him, that's why I refuse to commit unless I'm sure. Once bitten twice shy, you know.

Uranus is in 04 Degrees Sagittarius.

You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.

True, but then again we're Gen Y kids... of course we want to change the world

Neptune is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius.

You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

True

Pluto is in 26 Degrees Libra.

For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 21 Degrees Cancer.

You genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but you're at your best if you can do so from the comfort of your own home. You prefer others to come to you and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving your home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with you are struck by your caring and obliging nature -- you really make them feel at home. You form the closest ties, however, with members of your immediate family, especially your parents and children. You're at your best attending or organizing family reunions!

This is his... as you can there are several traits which are very similar. Well, of course we’re both water signs born in the same year. It shouldn’t be THAT all different... or at least that’s what I think.

Rising Sign is in 21 Degrees Scorpio
You tend to be quiet, reserved, secretive and, at times, quite difficult to understand. Others notice your deep emotions and feelings and wonder how to draw you out. Stubborn and tough, you fight for any position you believe in. You are very resourceful and formidable when you become angered or upset about something. You enjoy living life at the cutting edge -- for you life must be experienced intensely and totally. Quite courageous, you are willing to take calculated risks. Easily hurt by others, you often strike back with bitter sarcasm. Sensitive and curious, you are concerned with the deeper mysteries of human psychology. Once you have become interested in any subject, you pursue it with total fanaticism.

Sun is in 17 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!

Moon is in 08 Degrees Virgo.
You tend to be serious-minded but cheerful for the most part. You need tasks that engage both your mind and your hands. A careful worker, you enjoy making things. You are neat and orderly, and are very concerned with good health habits. Fastidious to the extreme, you cannot tolerate messes and will immediately clean them up. Reserved, shy, and very self-critical, you tend to be very hard on yourself. You usually will go out of your way to be helpful and useful to others. Practical, reliable, efficient and conservative, at times you are a bit of a prude. You are known to lead a simple, uncomplicated, frugal, methodical and unemotional lifestyle. You are devoted and caring to those you love.

Mercury is in 11 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.

Venus is in 18 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings about others are deep, powerful, intense and complex. When you like someone, you do so totally and obsessively if you do not like someone, they do not exist. Your faithfulness and loyalty to your lover is unquestioned, indeed at times it is too much so -- you get so possessive that you almost smother your partner. At times, your feelings are kept deep within you and, because they are so complex and intense, they frighten you -- this is the way that you try to ignore them. But the more you try to do this, the more explosive things get when you eventually do express them.

Mars is in 06 Degrees Capricorn.
Extremely ambitious, you are willing to work very hard to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Very practical, cautious and conservative, you demand tangible results for your efforts. You need to excel in whatever you do, and you have the required sense of responsibility, dedication and self-discipline to bring it about. Beware of your tendency to judge others only by their degree of status and prestige, or by how well they will be able to advance you in your climb to the top.

Jupiter is in 20 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.

Saturn is in 27 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.

Uranus is in 03 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.

Neptune is in 25 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 27 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 05 Degrees Cancer.
You genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but you're at your best if you can do so from the comfort of your own home. You prefer others to come to you and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving your home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with you are struck by your caring and obliging nature -- you really make them feel at home. You form the closest ties, however, with members of your immediate family, especially your parents and children. You're at your best attending or organizing family reunions!