Do I or don't I?

This has been on my mind for a while now - the whole wedding/getting married thing.

It's pretty confusing because growing up, all I did was plan for the perfect wedding. 

Like the typical girl, I had themes, locations, colors, dresses, flowers, songs, who my bridesmaids and maid of honor would be... I even had a guest list written out which I saved in as a draft in gmail that I updated periodically.

That was me all the way up till the last break up. My boyfriend of eight years finally mentioned to me that he never thought of us getting married. 

Spending a lifetime together, yes. Married, no.

Being the traditional girly kind of girl, I thought that was absurd. I mean, why would any one spend SO much time together and not want to be together?

Yes I know, we should've discussed stuff like this earlier but it just seemed that it would be the next natural step for us. I mean at one point when he was moving around for work, he bought a house which he said it's for us. Pointed out where I can plant strawberries and raspberries. Remodeled the kitchen so that I'll have a joyful place to cook meals for our little family. Showed me this horse breeder dude who lived down the road and always had a horse or two in the yard (this was just in case I got bored while he was at work).

As I entered my next relationship, I was still that traditional girly kind of girl who wanted to walk down the aisle in a gorgeous white gown. I still wanted the whole dream. But I was scared. So I took things really slowly. 

I mean really slowly.

I used to freak out at everything. The little gestures he would make. Or the little gestures he wouldn't make. 

But as the years rolled by (we're coming to our sixth year now) I finally realized why the ex didn't want to get married and I agree with him now. Because marriage is just not  a priority. 

The pup and I have been living together for so long that we're pretty much like your average married couple - minus the signed paper, fancy rings and expensive celebration.

Maybe I've grown up. Maybe this relationship has opened my eyes. Whatever it is, while I am still a romantic inside, I've decided that I'm not going to give in to society pressure.  Yes you heard me. I'm not conforming!!!

1. Engagement ring - we all now know it's a scheme created by De Beers back in the late 30s. The whole point of getting one these days, is just to show off to your friends and family how "much" this guy loves you and how much he makes. Why not get a car? Or a house instead? You know what I mean? Plus, diamonds are pretty much worthless and they're a lot more common than you think. Don't believe me? Try reselling your engagement ring and see what you get.

Alternatively, you could just get one of those that look really real but are priced at only a fraction of the cost. Seriously, who's going to know? They just want to see that rock on your finger!

2. Getting legally married - this is what I call, signing the papers. I kinda don't really get the point now, especially for couples like the pup and myself. We live together. We do grocery shopping together. We cook and eat dinner together. We wake up on Saturdays and head out to our usual haunt for breakfast together. Apart from work and toilet time, we pretty much do everything together - like a married couple. So what difference does that piece of paper make? Does it mean that I love him more/less with that? The only reason I can agree with about signing the papers, are spousal benefits.

3. Getting married - this is the annoying part for me. The ceremony. Seriously, why would anyone spend so much money on such an elaborate party, only to later look back at photos and reminisce about how skinny or young we used to look. Don't we all do that with our photos now? Plus - being Asian, there's a whole lot more to do culturally which can seriously make you want to kill yourself, I kid you not.

4. Having kids - another thing I really don't understand. Why would anyone really want to give up their sleep? I assure you, I'm saying this from a neutral point of view. I love kids. I just don't want them for myself. I love playing with them, reading books to them and generally hanging around with them because I'm a big kid myself! I really just don't see why people want to get pregnant (fat and cranky, I might add), push something out of their vagina or have a hole cut in you to remove a baby, and then spend the rest of your life sleep deprived, constantly worried that something will happen to your child or fighting with an angsty kid... all for what? Because everyone's doing it? Because society says it's the right thing to do? Pah! There are plenty of kids out there who have no mommies and daddies - if you're so righteous, why don't you adopt them instead?

If doing all that really makes you happy, by all means go ahead. But please think about it and do it because you really want to, and not because it's the "next natural" thing to do.

With that said, I open the floor for discussion.

Sigh....

The pup's slipped his disc... and it seems bad this time....

I'm sitting in the ER now waiting to see what the diagnosis is....

Brings back memories

I have this massive emotional attachments to songs that I hear... sometimes for the first time... sometimes after something's happened...

I can get very overwhelmed up to the point where I can break down and cry just listening to the lyrics because I can SO relate to it.

A fine example is this song. I've heard it a couple of times on the radio but never bothered too much about it. Then about 2 months ago, I was in the car with my colleagues when this song came on the radio. The car fell silent because they too were listening to it (I hope), and that's when I heard the lyrics for the first time. The lyrics "I have died everyday waiting for you, darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years... I'll love you for a Thousand more"

 

It pinched my heart. 

 

It made me think of my first love... but then the chatter in the car came back when the song ended - bursting my dream bubble, so I never gave it any more thought.

 

Two nights ago, Andy IMed me on gmail. We IM about once in a while. I try to keep the conversations short because it's not fair for Colin.

 

We talked about work - how I've moved on to another job because my previous one was suffocating me financially. He was telling me how proud he is of me because I've grown up so much in the years that we've been apart. Then it got to a point where I was telling him that people say that I'm a very patient person and he said 

 

"Yeah I know that. You put up with me for so many years..."

"Yeah that's because I was in love with you... I thought this was for the long run... I wanted this for the long run so if it doesn't kill me... why not?"

"I hate it when you say it in past tense..."

"Andy... I still love you... but it's a different kind of love now... I will always love you - because you were a big part of my life..."

"I still love you too... and will always... and you're one of the few people left who call me 'Andy'."

"Oh? I thought everyone called you Andy..."
"Back then yes, now it's just my mom, my dad, my sister.... and you. It's like... you're family..."

Then we moved on to continue talking about work... and I had to go to sleep.

When I woke up, Colin played this song on youtube and as I listened to the lyrics, I couldn't help but feel.

I know I'm still in love with him. But I hate having that feeling especially when I'm with someone else. I hate it because it makes me doubt - am I doing the right thing?

 

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more  

Same same different

I had lunch with my school mates today and within the first five minutes of the conversation I realized how I didn't share the same thoughts, ideas and character.

For instance, both of them claim to have some sort of female problems where it makes then hormonally imbalanced. Since I'm quite alright when it comes to that time of the month, I asked what happens when they're hormonally imbalanced...

They in turn looked at me seriously and rattled on about the typical hormonal symptoms of a woman going thru her menstrual cycle. But the way they were talking about it, the expressions, the earnesty in their voices... I couldn't tell if they were misinformed or if they really were going through some hormonal trouble.

Then one of them started to tell us about how she met her new boyfriend. She said she was skeptical at first, so we asked her why? Regular question, no?

"Because I didn't want to date a whitey,"

I stared at her.

Our other friend nodded sympathetically.

So I asked gently (seeing that this seemed a bit of a sensitive thing to her) "Why don't you want to date a Caucasian?"

"Oh there are just too many differences. We don't speak the same language, we don't share the same culture... It's just different. It's just a lot of work. You wouldn't know..."

This is a woman who is one day older than me and we've been friends since primary school. Yet she didn't seem to know that I dated an American for seven years.

"Oh.... So you've always wanted to settle down with a nice Chinese man?" I asked.

She nodded. Apparently it took the poor dude about two months of courtship to convince her that it's okay to date a white guy. Hats off to you, mate!

I kept quiet while the two of them rambled on about how cultural differences can create strains on a relationship and a few other trivial things.

I must say I was quite taken back by that two hours I spent with them.

I thought we lived in a glocal (portmanteau: global + local) world that every one of us were educated (one has a Masters Degree, works with a major oil company and earns a five-figure salary while the other has two degrees).

A world where every one of us had access to plenty of information.

A world where every one of us was aware and embraced the many colors of different cultures.

Unfortunately I was proven very wrong by people close to me.

I need to do a re-check.

We're moving

Yup. The lease on our place is coming closer to an end and our landlord has managed to sell the place so we won't be able to stay here anymore.


We finally found a place and put the deposit on it last Friday... just waiting for the owner to sign the deal and confirm that we're moving there.

I'm excited, nervous, anxious... everything rolled in one.

Excited - because we've been eyeing this place for like forever... and to get a unit there at this price... is really a super good deal

Nervous - there's a lot of packing and sorting to do... plus we'll definitely be spending a lot more this month with the deposits, paying the movers and cleaners...

Anxious - I'm not sure how well this will work out. Reason is, we live in a 2+1 bedroom apartment which is roughly 1,200sqf. Now we're moving into a studio unit that's 520sqf.

It

will

be

ONE

.

.

.

BIG

.

.

.

ROOM

You know what I mean?

I somehow get this feeling that I might crumble under the whole lack of space thing....

Wish us luck

A personal experience - Bersih 2.0

Hi... the pup and I just came back from the rally and are super exhausted from all that running around but just had to share this. This will be a quick pictorial post.

Will write a full account tmr :)

11.30am - Arriving at Masjid Jamek LRT station area. Cops were station at every entry/exit of the station and well over the streets of the area. The entire section of Jln Tun Perak there was cordoned off. No vehicles in or out.

They had already started to check the bags of those who seemed suspicious. But at this point, they weren't at their rudest behaviors.

12.38pm - things started to tense up a bit. Not too sure what was going on, but we sought refuge on Burger King's second floor.

From up there, we noticed there were a lot of rakyat who were pretty in much in the dark and looked super confused at the whole conundrum going on.

Some cops were just chilling out at the sidelines....

Some helped out tourists who were a little lost...

12.52pm - The cops start to disperse the crowd. Everyone starts running

Most people were chased off this street and into the little alleys surrounding the area.

By this time, most shops had already locked down their premises. We were locked inside Burger King.

Then all of a sudden, a convoy of three vehicles appeared on the street. We could only assume that this was the reason why the streets were cleared off?

1.02pm - A group of lawyers (we later learnt there were some from the Bar Council) appeared on scene.

1.15pm - The journos and photogs start running down this street (towards Sogo, I think. I confess I was a little confused on which street was which, so if I am wrong with the street names or directions, please correct me. Thank you)

1.30pm - The FRUs created a formation in front of us at Burger King

They created a small barricade in the middle of Jln Tun Perak....

... and their commander was standing in a truck with a huge bell (I call him the clanger) and instructs them by going *clang clang clang*...

... then they ran to change to formation on the other side of the street....

Tadaa! I really wonder what was the point though....

Then all their trucks came as back up....

Something's going on down the street from us (Petaling St and Puduraya). Everyone starts heading over...

Cops had these HUGE zip tie thingies which they use as handcuffs instead.

2.00pm - The police arrested an Indian man. He wore a Bersih 2.0 t-shirt under his white shirt.

Interesting that they needed six cops to "arrest" this man. He wasn't even struggling or thrashing around. He barely resisted...

But as usual our cops were rough on him and the papz

2.35pm - I finally managed to make my way out from Burger King. The rain had just started then.

More things seemed to be happening down the streets. All the trucks rushed down town.

2.38pm - The cops arrest more people.

2.47pm - We could hear the Bersih 2.0 rally march past us from BK. The pup and I just ran out to join them. This time it was really pouring down on us.

Rain pelted down but it did nothing to dampen our determination and spirit!

3.05pm - We walk towards a t-junction at the end of the road only to meet up with another large group.

Not too long after this, the FRUs came to break the group up. We regrouped few minutes later only to have them back us up into a road and gas us.

We were quite lucky that we came prepared with gas masks. The tear gas stung us faces for a bit and made breathing difficult but I really pity the others around us who only had a hand towel around their faces for protection. We could hear them coughing and hacking profusely.

The St John's Cathedral was just there, so the pup and I sought refuge in the compound.

In the whole process of running for my life, I broke my watch :( One of my favorites too :(

At about 4.00pm we decided that we would walk down the street with our new friends and hopefully regroup with some of the Bersih 2.0 rally-ers. And just around the corner, we saw them coming, and in an even larger group!

4.04pm - we walked down Jln HS Lee and Jln Gereja towards Jln Ampang and we bumped into this gentleman IN A NECK BRACE! Mad respect!

Salut!

4.16pm - We walked down Jln Ampang and finally reached the Jln Sultan Ismail intersection.

We ploughed on through the streets of KL....

This is the amount of people behind us. I can't even begin to tell how many were in front of us!

4.27pm - Power to the rakyat!

We sat for a bit, then some in the group burst out in song - the national anthem!

To sing Negaraku along side my brothers and sisters in a fight, was exhilarating I tell you. Goosebumps and so much pride in me. I never felt THAT proud to be Malaysian.

4.43pm - This was when the last fight came. A police chopper hovered dangerously low above us. Initially we thought it was just trying to drown out the speeches but little did we know was, it was a distraction because less than a minute after that, we heard screams from the right (Jln Ampang) and saw FRUs on foot and in trucks charging at us.

YES. Charging at us!

4.45pm - We ran towards KLCC only to find that it was locked down. And guess who else was rallying with us? Anonymous :)

The FRUs really came down hard on us this time. We had no choice but to run for our lives.

We were on the inside, slightly safer than those who were still on the streets

But the cops showed no mercy. I later found out that it was during this time that the late Baharuddin Ahmad was suffering respiratory complications due to the tear gas bombs that were sent flying his way. Rest in peace, fellow warrior. You will not beforgotten!

Anyways, the pup and I laid low in the park and quickly changed our clothes at the public restroom while plotting a way to get home. We hung out at the park for easily 45 minutes but when we slowly left, we noticed that there were still cops surrounding the perimeter.

5.41pm - We made back to Jln Ampang and saw Mounted Police. I wonder why did they need them for...

All the cops were still there....

And KLCC was still experiencing a lock down. There was still no going in or out and rumors were, the LRT station downstairs had ceased operations. (this just means that the LRT lines are still running but no one gets in or out of the KLCC stop).

After a while, KLCC's doors opened again and we went in thankfully... had to wait for over an hour for them to reactivate the LRT lines for KLCC.

The pup and I finally got home at about 7pm...

Gassed, stomped on, pushed around and all that shit... we're still standing tall. We're still standing proud.

If you've read this, please help spread the word.

Thank you.

To all my brothers and sisters whom we had the privilege of walking alongside in the rally today - thank you for being a part of this, thank you for being the caring Malaysian we know and love, thank you for being selfless, thank you. The pup and I are truly humbled and honored to have walked along with you today on this momentous day. We marched peacefully, with love and patriotism. For liberty and democracy. This is the truth.