Same same different

I had lunch with my school mates today and within the first five minutes of the conversation I realized how I didn't share the same thoughts, ideas and character.

For instance, both of them claim to have some sort of female problems where it makes then hormonally imbalanced. Since I'm quite alright when it comes to that time of the month, I asked what happens when they're hormonally imbalanced...

They in turn looked at me seriously and rattled on about the typical hormonal symptoms of a woman going thru her menstrual cycle. But the way they were talking about it, the expressions, the earnesty in their voices... I couldn't tell if they were misinformed or if they really were going through some hormonal trouble.

Then one of them started to tell us about how she met her new boyfriend. She said she was skeptical at first, so we asked her why? Regular question, no?

"Because I didn't want to date a whitey,"

I stared at her.

Our other friend nodded sympathetically.

So I asked gently (seeing that this seemed a bit of a sensitive thing to her) "Why don't you want to date a Caucasian?"

"Oh there are just too many differences. We don't speak the same language, we don't share the same culture... It's just different. It's just a lot of work. You wouldn't know..."

This is a woman who is one day older than me and we've been friends since primary school. Yet she didn't seem to know that I dated an American for seven years.

"Oh.... So you've always wanted to settle down with a nice Chinese man?" I asked.

She nodded. Apparently it took the poor dude about two months of courtship to convince her that it's okay to date a white guy. Hats off to you, mate!

I kept quiet while the two of them rambled on about how cultural differences can create strains on a relationship and a few other trivial things.

I must say I was quite taken back by that two hours I spent with them.

I thought we lived in a glocal (portmanteau: global + local) world that every one of us were educated (one has a Masters Degree, works with a major oil company and earns a five-figure salary while the other has two degrees).

A world where every one of us had access to plenty of information.

A world where every one of us was aware and embraced the many colors of different cultures.

Unfortunately I was proven very wrong by people close to me.

I need to do a re-check.

Let it be, let it be, let it be...

I have this bad habit... of letting things fester... of putting others before myself.

And then I get pissed about it.

But I don't say anything and let the feeling pass.

Why?

Well, sometimes most times I feel that there's no point getting all worked up about stuff like these.

I'll get pissed. I'll say things I don't mean. I'll become this really angry little monster, which I don't enjoy... and for what?

Just to blow off a little steam?

Nah...

Earlier today, everything was pissing me off, up to a point where I just didn't want to look at anything.

So at the dinner table, I took my glasses off and just closed my eyes.

The pup asked "Are you ok?"

I gave the universal answer for 'leave me alone' "Yeah I'm fine, it's nothing."

He pressed on for a bit and it got to a point where I almost screamed at him and then he shut up.

What was I so pissed off about?

Mom - for telling me that same problem she has over and over again. I've offered so many solutions that I want to bang my head on the wall.

Pup - for being so bloody dependant on me. We were hungry. He knew what to order. Instead, he chose to sit there and play some games while I finish my convo with mom on the phone. When I was done, he just smiled at me and I had to walk all the way to the stall to order food.

Then it hit me, why am I constantly putting everyone else before myself?

Why doesn't anyone do it for me?

Not like it matters.

I'll still end up moping and letting it fester until it passes...

Macaroon vs macaron

This has really been bugging me for a super long time and one thing that really annoys me to no end because it's so foreign-posh that everyone assumes that it's the right one when it's not.

It's really simple.

The not so pretty ones - DOUBLE 'O' The pretty ones - ONE 'O'

The ones that don't resemble burgers - DOUBLE 'O' The burger look a likes - ONE 'O'

The one dipped in chocolate - DOUBLE 'O' The one with a creamy ganache filling - ONE 'O'

The cookie looking one - DOUBLE 'O' The smoother looking one - ONE 'O'

To make it easier... here's a visual reference...

These are macaroons....

And these are macarons...

If you're interested in finding out more about the difference between these lovely treats, click here, here, here, here or here.

End rant.

Kthxbai.

It's June....

Time really flies.

I've gotta tell you, 2011 has really been a harrowing year for me.

First the puppy fell down; then his mom decided to cut him off completely since Christmas last year, making our financial situation really really rocky; work has begun to pile up and I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right move, so it's been pretty much downhill this whole year.

I've just gotten a tip off that an international hotel resort about 15 mins away from home is looking to hire someone for their PR side. I know I stopped working in the corp world because I couldn't take the mundane-ness of it, but seriously, I think I have to be a bit more practical these days.

I think I made a bad move - career wise. I had always wanted to be a writer - for as long as I can remember. Then when this opportunity came along, I jumped at it. But now I'm thinking that it's not that all worth it.

Why?

a) I'm write and do stuff that I don't like, don't believe in or are against my principles because these people are clients. It really makes me think why am I doing this? I've just begun to realize that, at the end of the day, it's not that much about the writing but about how much money they can get from the writing.

b) It's not a job that pays well. I know I get quite a fair bit of free things, like trips or products but those stuff do not help to pay the bills - especially not with the financial situation I've been in for the past 6 months...

Oh well, I just wanted to rant.... sorry about this!

The five signs

I like to read stuff like relationship advice and all that once in a while. But it does get a bit depressing at times because you get a lot of stuff like - where is your relationship going, how do you know if he's the one, is he really faithful and shit like that.

Today, I saw "The five signs he'll never cheat" and I swear, a light beamed all the way down from the heavens and shone on me. At last, a positive article to read!!!

But sadly, as I read through, it was pretty much as bad as reading those negative articles. My comments in red.

The five signs he’ll never cheat
08 Jun, 2010
If only Sandra Bullock had access to this beforehand…

1. He keeps dates and tells you where he’s been
If your partner is honest and respectful of you in one area of your relationship, it’s almost safe to say he’ll be the same in other areas. Dr Zita Weber, academic, counsellor and author of Unfaithfully Yours (New Holland, $26.95), feels that keeping commitments, such as dates, is a good indicator of the strength of your relationship.

“That’s a huge demonstration of respect that you don’t rescind on bargains and plans. With any sort of cancellation at the last hour, I think you’d have to worry about that person’s ability to commit to you and what you’re doing together.”

Well, he doesn't necessarily need to tell me where he's been since I do know his schedule. But it would be nice to get a text or something "I'm off... see you home later!" or something like that. Women like to be acknowledged. But then again it's not like it's a big deal anyways...

2. He introduces you to his friends
Awkward dating scenario #2,938: You’ve been seeing each other for a few months but he still makes excuses for you not to meet his pals.

While it’s possible that you’re so damn cool he’s worried his dorky friends might tarnish your opinion of him, it also could be that he’s worried his mates might reveal things he’s been up to behind your back. Meeting his gang is a sign that he’s serious and knows there’s nothing they could tell you about him that would make you any less crazy about him (except possibly that time he wet his pants in Year 3).

Oddly, since we do have a very large pool of mutual friends, there was not much need to really introduce each other to anyone. But he does have some friends from college days which he talks about but has never introduced me to... ho hum, not the end of the world... NEXT!!!

3. He’s never cheated in past relationships
Ideally, in a monogamous relationship, you’d want both partners to be of the mindset that cheating is unacceptable. Hopefully, if he ever felt that temptation, he’d be honest enough to admit that perhaps he wanted to break up or see other people. So if he mentions he’s never strayed and finds the mere notion hard to fathom, and he seems genuine, it could indicate that he’s not a player.

That said, he could always be lying. But if a guy admits to you that past relationships have ended because of his indiscretions, be wary – it’s possible he’s telling you this so that if he does ever cheat, he can always say, “Well, I warned you!”.

Okay see now this is the part where I start to doubt things. I have no idea if he's cheated in any of his past relationships but I know he has cheated once when we had just first started dating. He said he was confused. But after that he realized that I was the one he wanted, yadda3x. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Forgive... not entirely. Forget... trying really hard to.

4. He’s emotionally loyal to you
Being loyal isn’t just about him keeping it in his pants. It’s also about having your back in other ways. “We’ve all been in that place where you’ve really felt that this person is really committed to you,” says Weber.

“And they demonstrate that loyalty in every sort of way, such as defending you in an argument at a dinner party – even if you might be wrong. There are ways of showing people that you’re loyal to them in the emotional sense, not just the sexual sense.”

This he is. He has my back when it comes to friends and family. Much as he doesn't like family outings (I have a large family - my dad has 10 siblings and mom has 8, go figure the amount of cousins, aunts, uncles and whatnot), he does come along and he does put on his best behavior.

5. Your gut instinct says he’s trustworthy
It turns out instinct isn’t some sort of magical dishonesty detection system – it’s actually our subconscious picking up on real-life indicators. “People call it gut instinct, but it’s really clues around you that you’re osmotically picking up,” says Weber.

So, if you feel like you can trust him but can’t quite pinpoint why, it’s most likely because you’ve actually been subconsciously noticing all the actions he’s been doing that demonstrate he’s a committed and trustworthy guy.

This is the worst part. My gut tells me that I love him but do not trust him entirely. This whole one just trumped every other sign. *sigh*

Malaysian Mentality

There's been quite a huge uproar recently in Malaysia after reading about the fatal accident which happened last week. For those who didn't hear about it, you can read it here.

Here's a short version:
a) An accident involving two cars and a 3-tonne vegetable lorry
b) An unfortunate female driver was pinned in the wreckage burnt to her death.
c) Passer-bys were unable to help because the flames were too strong
d) One brave man sped off to the nearest petrol kiosk to get a fire extinguisher but was refused by the attendants.

Many Malaysians are bloody effing pissed with those two attendants. I am too. Isn't it time we all grew up and stopped pointing fingers though?

Yes, it is extremely heartbreaking and unfortunate to hear the news of this young lady whom so many wanted to help but couldn't and yet these two who had four extinguishers refused.

And not to make any other people more riled up than they already are, but who is to say that if the guy HAD gotten the extinguisher it could've saved that young woman's life?

Here's my two cents.

Let's recap, but put ourselves in their shoes.

You're a gas attendant working the graveyard shift. Luckily you have a co-worker with you tonight. Not that bad. You spend the night talking and puffing on ciggies to get through the shift. Thoughts run through your mind - especially the stories of other gas attendants who were robbed and or attacked in the wee hours of the morning.

Then all of a sudden, a man drives frantically up towards the kiosk. His tyres screech to a halt. You and your co-worker immediately look up. Your heart skips a beat. Could this be a robber?

The man bangs on the glass window and asks for a fire extinguisher. He says there's a girl trapped in a wrecked car and the car is on fire. This is a life and death situation. The man seems all frantic and antsy.

Now this is the part I (and probably 99% of Malaysians) think what went wrong.

I understand that there were previous cases of robberies at that spot before. So I don't blame them for the caution. I would've told him to call the fire department (as one of them did) too. In fact, I would've gotten details from him AND made the phone call myself.

What I don't understand is, why couldn't they have given him an extinguisher. He's already shown them his IC. Ok fine, that could be fake. He even offered to buy an extinguisher from them.

Now tell me, what kind of robber does that?

I know, that if I were there for a fact, I would have made sure one of us (the gas attendants) held on to ONE fire extinguisher and set it ready while the other, slowly opens the door and passes it out to the frantic man.

I know a lot of you must be thinking "Yeah, right as if you can even remain calm in situations like these,"

You know what?

You can shut your pie hole because I have been through shit like these before and I have remained calm while others didn't.

My house was once broken into. My sister and I were lazing in my room (thank goodness the room door was locked) after a long day and our two housemates had gone out clubbing.

All of a sudden, we heard someone walking around in the hall, and it was a completely different set of foot steps. My sister panicked, and she started to whimper and cry. I gathered anything that I could use as weapons onto the bed just in case the intruders came in.

I managed to call the police, report to them calmly what is going on and that I really need help. And called friends who were living nearby to come over as soon as they could.

The police finally came. My entire house was ransacked. They took away the usual stuff and there were footprints right outside my room door. The police told us we were lucky that they didn't barge in and hurt us. He also commended me on acting calm during the whole thing because it helped them to do their job properly.

Mind you, I was a student at that time living in a foreign country so don't tell me two MEN in their own country cannot act rationally when there is someone in trouble.

My deepest condolences goes out to Florina's family.

May this be a (very expensive) lesson for all Malaysians to learn.

I have to start wearing pants

Yes that's true. Sadly but true. I got violated in the comforts of my own home this morning.

I had left a pile of plates in the kitchen sink last night because I was a bit too lazy to get to them.

This morning, I woke up about 9-ish. Washed up, tied my hair and went to the kitchen to do the dishes in the kitchen sink.

When I was done, I realized that I had forgotten about the pan which was still sitting on the stove. So I turned around to get it and went back to the sink.

Half way washing the pan I had the compulsion to turn around which I thank my stars that I did!

There was a guy with a camera phone, leaning in towards my kitchen window trying to take a pic of me in my underwear!

I got a good look at him. Gave him the angry stare and yelled out "What do you think you're doing, you fuck face?!" he of course was flipped out of his mind, and quickly ran off towards the lift.

I then called out for the puppy and told him that some creep was trying to take a pic of me arse through the kitchen window. After a bit, he heard someone creeping about and quietly trying to open the doors in one of the nearby units so he snuck out to check it out.

He found four bucks lying on the ground near our unit. So we're pretty sure the guy lives nearby. One of these days if I bump into him he's gonna get it from me....

Duds and Peeks with the four bucks mommy made daddy found. We treated ourselves to Starbucks with that hahaha...

Am I traumatized by this incident? Not entirely. He must either be some really down in the dumps or in such desperation to actually have snuck up to my window, leaned over the railings to try to take a pic of my back.

Pissed, yes. If I see him I want to kick him in the balls. But, we'll see....

how much more

are you going to keep hurting me?

do you want me to live like this?

do you want to keep lying to me?

am I supposed to hold on to a lie?

Tell me....

Two nightmares in a night

I'm looking for a way to vent out my frustrations and to learn forgiveness and somehow it seems to be channeling through my dreams.

I had two nightmares last night and couldn't figure out why or how to deal with it. My dreams... when they are vivid and jolt me out of bed feeling exactly the same way I was feeling in the dreams usually means something. No I'm not just saying it just to sound deep and what not. But I'm saying it because it has always been that way. So much so that I have learnt to decipher my dreams to understand my inner demons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nightmare #1
He was supposed to tell her to fuck off and kick her out of our lives, as promised. But instead, there was a mile long explanation... 457 lines long of Gtalk IM explaining to her why. Why the fuck would he need to explain to her why. She knows. She knows I dislike her in our lives. She knows I don't want her in our lives. She knows I am this close to enforcing a warrant that she cannot come NEAR us at all and yet she's spiteful. She wants to make me feel some pain. She wants to win.

I asked him about it and he blew up. Like he had something to hide. He screamed and scolded me in the dream. He accused me of being distrustful and not holding on to what we said we would do. I screamed back pot calling the kettle black.

I woke up in a shock. Heart pounding. Scared. Not wanting to go back to sleep in case my dream continues. I finally fell asleep after a bit because of exhaustion.

Nightmare #2
Somehow we were in another house which was our home and someone was giving up a pup for adoption. He was bloody eager to adopt the pup. I was neither here nor there. I didn't want to because I knew we didn't have the time or the space for a dog in our apartment. He was adamant. So I gave in.

Somehow or rather along the line, the puppy adoption comes with a kid. Little 3-4 year old Malay boy - Aiman. He was even more eager to adopt the child together. I told him we cannot handle it because we're both not mature enough. We don't have the financial or the physical capability to take care of the two girls, a puppy and an adopted son. He insisted. So I gave in as usual. I always give in to him because I want him to be happy. So I started to bond with the child. Then I realized he was missing. Aiman asked where was he. So I decided to look for him.

I searched high and low around the house and reached outside our room door. It was closed. I knocked. I heard him say "Baby don't come in! Don't come in!" but I went in anyways. He was there making out with someone and when I screamed bloody murder again. He screamed back. Calling me distrustful again. We had a big fight and he wanted out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I even begin to let go and trust you back after how you have hurt me? How can I honor our promise to each other when you have not?

I'm very sure he hasn't told her to fuck off yet. There will be hell to pay soon.

Melayu ke?

The puppy came to pick up his assignment from me the other day, so I went downstairs to pass it to him when he called.... the security guard was standing outside and I'm like 'Oh crap...' cuz well, you know... the whole office grapevine thing.... uber fast. I mean, I don't really mind it too much but sometimes things just go way outta hand.

I looked out... he had his whole 'I'm so cool' thing going on.... he had my aviator sunnies on(one of the many things of mine which he has claimed his), his cap and with one arm sticking out the window looking gangsta in the Volvo in the carp ark.... so I walked over and when he saw me, he gave me a really toothy cheesy smile.... yadda3x had a little convo with him there, passed him his assignment... kissed bye... and he went off.

The moment I walked back towards the building... the security guard gave me a 'Ah hah...' smile as if he knows my secret or something then he asked "Melayu ke?" Is he Malay?

*facepalm*

"Bukan lah... dia Serani..."

No, he's Eurasian

"Oh tapi I tengok muka dia macam Melayu,"

Oh but then he looks like a Malay

This is like trying to defend your own name with ppl who have mistaken you for someone else on the phone insisting you ARE that person sorta nonsense..........

*sigh* Would I not know if that's not my name? Would I not know that he's NOT Malay?

Wtf is up with you people being so damned indignant?

Melayu ke? Yeah lah, you orang Melayu kadang kala sangat bodoh :P

I am...

i am romantically naive

i am artistically inclined

i am cynically critical

i am easily entertained

i am absolutely fabulocisious

i am a small child trapped in a woman's body

i am actually blonde

i am a lover of all furry animals

i am an internet addict

i am clumsily sophisticated

i am terrified of the unknown

i am linguistically aroused

i am generally misunderstood

i am easily swayed

i am in a constant reverie of life

i am financially obscure

i am a complete crackerjack

I am an open book

i am delusional and in denial about myself

i am planning my wedding

i am procrastinator of all procrastinators

i am scared of the dark

i am obsessive and compulsive

i am fashion impaired

i am a wordsmith and a bookworm

i am contradicting

i am one of a kind

i am Claire Ishikawa Yukiko

makes me wonder

It's almost 6am right now... and I've just woken up - nightmare...

I dreamt that hun told me that this was all a dream, I need to wake up and all that we went thru was just the heat of the moment.

Yes I dreamt he broke up with me - and in a very harsh way

He had told me that it was like a reverie the whole time and yesterday night after I fell asleep he had a revelation that's when he realized that we were both lying to each other. That's why he insisted on breaking up.

I woke up in tears...

I was devastated....

I turned over to look at him and was very relieved to see him sleeping as usual...

In tears I turned over to snuggle up for comfort and assurance...

I laid my head on his chest....

And the response I received was...?

*SNORE*

Bah I give up...

revelation

"Men can be difficult at times, but I happen to like
boys"

Singer Kelly Clarkson who revealed she could never be a
lesbian

Something I can totally relate to. Men can be bloody difficult, confusing and weird at times and most of the time they're just plain mind boggling. But dammit, I can't even imagine kissing another girl let alone entering a relationship with another woman.

And that is why I, too, could never be a lesbian.

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.

Went to BK for dinner today and we were kinda watching the stuff on telly and this made me think

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust.

I think it's true. I do think that it's happier to be sometimes cheated on than not to trust. This is what I'm learning to do. I think trust is a very important thing in life - not just relationships. One of my biggest and ugliest weakness is that I can never have complete faith in anyone.

I don't know what it is, but I could never place complete trust and faith in any one in my life.

Maybe one part of me is just too skeptical about things. Maybe part of me believes too much that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Maybe part of me has been hurt too much that I could never allow myself to be vulnerable again. Maybe I'm just weird.

I cheat. Not physically of course. But mentally I do. I lie a lot. I always try to believe that I can never lie to the ones I love. But in actual fact, everyone lies to the ones they love the most. I think it's an instinct - lying is some sort of protection.

I know lying for me, is some sort of natural defense mechanism. I'll revelate that later. Still trying to figure out why I do that. Probably an only child, fantasy world thing....

But I would much rather be cheated on sometimes than to have someone not trust me and to not be able to trust that someone.

I lie because I know it makes the other person happy. For me, nothing is more important than that. I'd much rather spend my life in misery than to watch the ones I love spend their lives in misery because of me. I would sacrifice my happiness for theirs, even if it meant that I would be miserable.

To see them smile, is my happiness - and I would give up everything just to have that happiness.

an epiphany

"We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe - and it works.

We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth...

We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces..."

Heard this while watching Grey's Anatomy 204 - Deny, Deny, Deny today and it hit me. The verity of it.

How often do we do this to ourselves. Deny ourselves the truth because we'd much rather live in the fantasy that we want to see and believe.

I know I live in my own world. So much so, that I tend to not realize which is really the truth and which is my fantasy... so much so that I cannot see the truth most of the time, which scares me.

I was reading about my horoscope yesterday, trying to understand myself and two of my traits is where Pisceans like getting 'lost' and loves mysteries of all guises.

Maybe the fantasy world is something that comes to me naturally. But growing up with non-Pisceans, I have learnt to believe that there is an actual world outside and that there are perceptions.

There was a time where I thought a lot of things were real... but things change.... if not for the worse... the much better :)

FB messed up - Part II

I'm an addict. I know. I have to log in Facebook a million times a day or else it really feels weird.

Today Facebook amazed me yet again. Remember my previous post about how FB messed up?

This time, a Wall-to-Wall convo took place in the future! Check it out!

I'm wondering....

Remember I was effing pissed at him last month?

Today I'm rather pissed at him too. I was at work... wondering how wonderful it would be if I could snuggle back under the covers with him today because it was a rainy day.

Then at noon he wakes up and freaks out. His lecturer called him up and apparently he needs to make some amendments to his assignment. He freaks out. Assignment carries 40%, so I'll go back tmr afternoon, he tells me.

Then he freaks out even more because his maid had accidentally broken the water tank of the toilet.

I laughed silently to myself because sometimes he makes mountains out of molehills and well, it was a tensed day at work, it was rather funny to hear that his maid had broken the toilet.

I'm freaking out, he tells me. Chill... breathe in and breathe out. I'm at work. There's only so much I could do for him. So I told him to go shower, eat some breakfast and then figure out what he wants to do. No point doing anything now unless you're relaxed, I said.

Then he freaks out even more because the license on MS Word on his notebook has expired so he can't do the amendments to his assignment and when he came back this time, he forgot to bring the wireless card for his desktop. That translates to = cannot make amendments to assignment.

After a bit he was quiet. So I asked "Are you okay?" then he tells me that he just threw up.

*stares blankly at the screen*

Apparently that happens when he's too freaked out. Damned artists. I can't imagine being that freaked out as to be able to throw up and esp not at what he was going through. So I left him to cool down and I went out for lunch. "I'm going to eat now, talk to you later okay?"

I came back from lunch and he was offline. So I thought maybe he was trying something.

Few hours later, he was still offline. So I texted him "Hun are you okay?"

It took him 5 flipping minutes to reply me "In KL now :P "

*sigh*

I'm not asking him to report to me on every step that he takes. But at least have the decency or the courtesy to tell me that you'll be going back to KL. Is it that so hard?

Geez... that boy really has no.... goodness I can't even begin to describe - brains? decency? courtesy? common sense? Bah!

I mean it's not like driving out to somewhere with an internet connection and working MS Word... or driving out to Macca's to grab something. This is KL for crying out loud. It's bloody two hours away.

I'm PMS-ing again....

FB messed up :P

I'm on FB like every other night... then when I click to log off FB chat, I realized that they had uploaded my previous status update. So I clicked on my Profile to see if it refreshes or not and look what happened....

HAHAHAHA on the top it says that I'm chocolate hot pot-ing and in my chat window, it says that I'm THE perfect denial ;)

Talk about messing up...

I can't stop laughing

time will heal this...

Chris sent me this last night when we were talking. (Thanks for your patience, you rock!)

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, I told him. I really don't really know how to deal with this. One day I'm fine, one day I'm all depressed and the next day I have another sudden realization and I'm fine again. The cycle never stops and it's beginning to really annoy me.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell him about the shit that I'm going through right now but then I think that it's really got nothing to do with him now. It's something that I have to deal on my own. I have to fight my own fires now without depending on him for support.

I wanna be okay again. I know it takes time. If the saying that it takes half the time of being with the person to get over the person is true, I have 3 1/2 years more to go.

It's so annoying now that I can barely hold my food down because I rarely have an appetite but I have to eat else everyone else will start asking "Why what's wrong?" and the emotional ride will start all over again. So I end up eating more than I actually can and my body throws it back out after a bit. Then if not eating well isn't good, I don't sleep too well either.

I'm going through extremes to prove I'm fine without him - being Mary Sunshine 24/7. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind....

Everyone tells me "Oh just find someone else. I wish I could and I wish it was that easy. It's like throwing myself out there and getting someone to replace my mom, my best friend or my left arm for that matter.

I don't know what song this is from but as I read through it, I realize that what it says is true.

That he means a helluva lot to me, but time will heal me, I will love again and no matter how hard it is to be without him, I'll be okay.

p/s : I know sometimes I talk about it like he's dead or something, he's not, but it's just that I have to live my life without him now - for real.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Regret is a big fat bitch kicking you in the arse

There are many things I regret not doing when he was around.

1) I regret not jumping into the pool at the hotel with him even though I didn't bring a suit. I could have just worn one of my strappy tops and my low rise undies (which btw does look very bikini bottom like)
2) I regret not asking if I'll ever see him again
3) I regret not snuggling up to him when I woke up in the middle of the night and realizing that I had moved over to my side.
4) I regret not taking enough photographs of us
5) I regret not kissing him at the train station
6) I regret not asking him to stay earlier
7) I regret not asking him to take him with me
8) I regret not telling him that I love him
9) I regret not asking him about the past or the future

I think I never did all these things because I was afraid. I knew that if I told him that I loved him, I would expect him to say it in return and I didn't want him to say it because I said it.

I was afraid that if he said it because I said it, it wouldn't be real.

I was afraid that if I said it and he didn't say it in return I would be heartbroken.

I was afraid that if I took a million pictures of us together I would have a hell of a time trying to get over this.

I was afraid that if I asked him about the past of the future, I would be disappointed.

I was afraid of so many things. I was so afraid that I didn't do anything. I never jumped at the opportunity to do so many things with him around.

Now I have to live with regret, not knowing what would happen if I did tell him I loved him. I will never know how he really feels.