time will heal this...

Chris sent me this last night when we were talking. (Thanks for your patience, you rock!)

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, I told him. I really don't really know how to deal with this. One day I'm fine, one day I'm all depressed and the next day I have another sudden realization and I'm fine again. The cycle never stops and it's beginning to really annoy me.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell him about the shit that I'm going through right now but then I think that it's really got nothing to do with him now. It's something that I have to deal on my own. I have to fight my own fires now without depending on him for support.

I wanna be okay again. I know it takes time. If the saying that it takes half the time of being with the person to get over the person is true, I have 3 1/2 years more to go.

It's so annoying now that I can barely hold my food down because I rarely have an appetite but I have to eat else everyone else will start asking "Why what's wrong?" and the emotional ride will start all over again. So I end up eating more than I actually can and my body throws it back out after a bit. Then if not eating well isn't good, I don't sleep too well either.

I'm going through extremes to prove I'm fine without him - being Mary Sunshine 24/7. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind....

Everyone tells me "Oh just find someone else. I wish I could and I wish it was that easy. It's like throwing myself out there and getting someone to replace my mom, my best friend or my left arm for that matter.

I don't know what song this is from but as I read through it, I realize that what it says is true.

That he means a helluva lot to me, but time will heal me, I will love again and no matter how hard it is to be without him, I'll be okay.

p/s : I know sometimes I talk about it like he's dead or something, he's not, but it's just that I have to live my life without him now - for real.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

I Stay In Love

I've always been a fan of MC. I think she rocks and I'm pretty sure a lot of people say this but I really mean it when I say I relate to the lyrics.

This song in particular from her recent album really reaches out to me. I'm in denial about a relationship I'm in. Not that it's that much of a relationship anymore. We were together for 7 years, May this year would have marked the 8th year but we ended it last year, anyhoo we're still very much in contact and we're friends.

He was my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life. And you never throw away something like that easily.

Only my really close friends know about him because others think that this isn't real and that long distance relationships over continents with only technology to keep us together will never work. In fact only a handful of people even know about his existence and what he means to me because it's just too much to explain.

He recently came over for a visit and I had a wonderful three days with him. Things were rather awkward but at the same time everything felt so natural. Our relationship has gone to the level where we can just sit in the same room and we can be doing our own thing or just staring off into space and it feels natural. We don't need to speak to convey anything (which sometimes gets rather creepy)

I would love to try and keep this relationship going. Unfortunately the years and distance has taken a toll on the both of us and we know this is the best thing to do. We're both reluctant to move over and living 14hrs apart is not easy.

I don't know about him but I know I really am still hanging on, hoping that it will one day happen again for the both of us.

I've lived 8 years of my life with him in it.... I really can't imagine my life without my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life.... I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without my Andy.

But deep down, I know that it's never going to happen and it really sucks....

I've been crying since I left him at the airport gates.

He hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and tears just flowed. Then I pushed him away, looked down so that he wouldn't see my tears and said "Just go..." but my voice gave me away. I was quivering.

He didn't let go of me but tilted my chin up and I saw him smiling at me and then he asked "Are you crying?" Then he held me in his arms again and kissed me on the forehead. Then I looked up at him and he said "You were worth the wait," and then he kissed me on the lips and bear hugged me again.

Tears flowed like an open faucet. I couldn't take it. I pushed him away, wiped the tears away and looked at him and said "Just go... please...." and I walked away. I couldn't watch him go past the gates. I couldn't turn back to look at him because I know if I did, I would run after him and ask him not to leave me. I would cry. I would make a huge scene.

I had just said my final good bye to the love of my life. I know I'll probably never see him in real life again.

If holding on is hard, letting go is even harder. But I will always love him.... and nothing will ever change that.

the babygirl and Mr Weldon
August 11, 2008 @ KLIA, Malaysia


Mariah Carey - I Stay In Love
I Stay In Love
Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make up break up can't take this madness
We don't even really know why all I know is baby I
Try and try so hard to keep our love alive
If you don't' know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel
It's a mistake if we just erase it
From our hearts and minds I know

We said let it go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like 'Oh well' each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now, no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep it hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall how
we gon' act like what we had
Ain't nothing at all now
Hey, what I wanna do is ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block proud in the SU
We both know our heart is breakin'
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone, although I know

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

ranting about work...

I am so stressed with work nowadays that I really am not sure how I should deal with it. For the last 2 weeks, I have had 3 event projects on my hand which I'm running in collaboration with different Heads of Units in my office.

(quick flashback, I'm with the Resource Centre - meaning I'm very resourceful. HAHAHA. Anyhoo I do all the writing for the company - programme books, fact sheets, news releases, briefs, memorandums, circulars, flyers, banners, brochures, you get the gist)

And I think I'm up to a point where work is on my mind 24/7. There are countless days where I go to sleep thinking of work and I dream of work and then I wake up thinking of work. And the sad part is, I don't like my job that much. And frankly, I don't like the people I work with very much either (of course there are a few exceptions to that).

I have nicknames for people at work.
1) Humpee (cuz she brings her boyfriend everywhere and he's like some blood scum sucking rodent and tries to hump her every chance he gets.... yes even when I'm in the room)
2) Zoidberg (cuz she reminds me a tad of Professor Zoidberg from Futurama and also she's rather queer)
3) Screamer (well, that's rather self explanatory. She screams a lot in the office and she's rather emotional AND sensitive, so she takes quite a bit of things into offense.)
4) Mr Bean (cuz he's effing short sighted and won't bloody wear his glasses and squints like his life depends on it when he reads documents)
5) Intel Aunty (cuz she used to work with that company and with all the experience she's told me about, she's really dim. One time, she wanted to borrow my pen drive to extract a file into her pen drive and after 5 mins, she calls over "Claire, my notebook won't detect your pen drive... can you come and help?" as I walked over, I saw my pen drive.... sitting in front of the USB port... not in it, mind you. IN. FRONT. OF. IT yeah a decade at Intel my ass....)
6) Crazy Indecisive Dude (another self explanatory name. He can NEVER decide. Well he can, but he'll decide something else later. And then go back to point A.... and jump to point D and then to point C and then say okay it's final. But the next morning he'll say "Why'd you go to Point C in the first place??? Point A was fine!!!)

Work stresses me out, so whenever there's a chance to go party and chill out, I say yes in a heartbeat. Unless if I'm too tired.

Unfortunately what happened the other night was that I partied till about 5am and I got home. Didn't get enough sleep. Had to go into the office to help set up the new computer labs and it was uber dusty and stuffy. Didn't feel good but didn't really bother.

Then on Sunday I felt really icky but didn't really bother about it either.

Then Monday came... dum dum dummmm. I had a sore throat, body aches, running nose and a fever. Didn't really bother either and went straight to work because I had an event going on. Had to report for duty. By the last 2 hours of the day, the fever had really kicked in.

On my way home from work, I went to the doctor's clinic. Turns out I was having viral fever, burning up at 38C/100F with the whole works. Doc told me "Take two days off... and REST! If it doesn't get any better, come back and I'll give you another day off,"

Turns out, my office has NO idea what medical leave is. Everyone called an hour apart from 9am all the way to 4pm for 2 whole days. I couldn't rest at all.... I took my meds, and phone call came in one after another. By the 2nd day I couldn't take it. Called up my doc and asked for one more day. She gave it to me.

And today is Sunday. My final event is tomorrow and the morons in my office... are calling me non stop. It's not even MY event to begin with. I'm only helping with the printing and promotional materials. Dammit some people need to learn to DO THINGS ON THEIR OWN!