I'm on an emotional roller coaster, I told him. I really don't really know how to deal with this. One day I'm fine, one day I'm all depressed and the next day I have another sudden realization and I'm fine again. The cycle never stops and it's beginning to really annoy me.
Sometimes I wish I could just tell him about the shit that I'm going through right now but then I think that it's really got nothing to do with him now. It's something that I have to deal on my own. I have to fight my own fires now without depending on him for support.
I wanna be okay again. I know it takes time. If the saying that it takes half the time of being with the person to get over the person is true, I have 3 1/2 years more to go.
It's so annoying now that I can barely hold my food down because I rarely have an appetite but I have to eat else everyone else will start asking "Why what's wrong?" and the emotional ride will start all over again. So I end up eating more than I actually can and my body throws it back out after a bit. Then if not eating well isn't good, I don't sleep too well either.
I'm going through extremes to prove I'm fine without him - being Mary Sunshine 24/7. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind....
Everyone tells me "Oh just find someone else. I wish I could and I wish it was that easy. It's like throwing myself out there and getting someone to replace my mom, my best friend or my left arm for that matter.
I don't know what song this is from but as I read through it, I realize that what it says is true.
That he means a helluva lot to me, but time will heal me, I will love again and no matter how hard it is to be without him, I'll be okay.
p/s : I know sometimes I talk about it like he's dead or something, he's not, but it's just that I have to live my life without him now - for real.
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
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