Do you forgive and forget?

I read an article over lunch yesterday about forgiving and forgetting. It was titled something like "Would you forgive your man if he did you wrong?"

William S Maugham once said that "A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does to her, but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account."

Many quotes that I have sourced online says we should forgive and forget because we can never recover, can never find inner peace, shows that you are the bigger person, and that it is a gift that you can give yourself.

Yes I do and no I don't. Most times I forgive people for what they have done which has hurt me, but I never forget it. Call it revengeful or petty but that's the way it is. I think that we need to remember things like these so that we don't fall into the same trap again.

First person who came to mind was Andy *sorry hun* but no, I do not forgive him and yes I have not forgotten the hurt he put me through. Have I put it behind me? Not entirely. But Andy is no longer a priority in my life.

Much as I would like to, I cannot forgive Andy for what he has done and I will not forget it. Not that it really bothers me but I know is pisses him off that I'm still mad at him.

All the things that he has put me through was good in a way. It helped to shed light. At least now I know what I want or don't want... and I can tell you for sure, much as I dreamt about the perfect relationship, wedding, marriage and life with him, I don't want it any more.

I realized it was a dream.

It was my fantasy. It was something I wanted to complete my life with. But he's not the one.

I know now.

Just the other day he emailed me asking me if I would take him back and if what he did was so bad that I am still mad at him. It was a very long two day exasperating email conversation.

Many have asked "Were you tempted to go back to him?" knowing my almost decade long history with him.

Truth is, I can't say I wasn't the least tempted to do so. But I knew, I couldn't live with him. He's just not the one. So no matter what he told me during those two days and trying to win me back during the last few months wouldn't work.

I'm not saying I don't want to forgive him. It's hard. And in a way, I don't see a point in forgiving him. He knew what he was getting into and he did it anyway.

At one point in our bizzare relationship, we never mentioned we were going to exclusive, we just assumed it was in a way. So since we never mentioned we were exclusive, I took it to the next step. I went out on a date with someone else. The consequences of the date ate me alive every time I saw Andy. So I decided to tell him.

That's when it hit rock bottom. To him - I had 'cheated' on him because I didn't even bother to tell him that I was going out with someone else even though we weren't exclusive. To me - it hurt me more to see him disappointed with me. It was then and there I learnt and understood what people meant it hurt me more to see him hurt than it was more than enough. I realized I was in love with him at that point because I couldn't bear to know that I have caused so much hurt, pain and that I have lost his trust.

That was when we decided that it would be exclusive albeit a very long distance relationship.

Six years down the road, that sneaky bastard does it, leaves a very almost invisible trail behind and denies it everytime I asked him about it. Believe me, I tried everyway to subtly ask him and NOT accuse him.

After all, he made a HUGE fuss when I did it... why can't I then? In my defense... at that time, I didn't know any better. But at the point where he did it. How could he have not known any better?

My guess is, he was giving up on us. He wanted out.

So at the end of it - out of my life he goes. That's it. You tell me whether or not I should forgive and forget.

I have to admit though. Since that, I have had major trust issues. I used to think that two people who loved and cared so much for each other would at least be honest. If someone I have been wtih day and night for 7+ years could do that, who is to say other people are not capable of doing it?
*Please be reminded, I'm not saying everyone is going to be a cheater, I'm saying everyone is capable of it, but whether they want to or not is entirely up to them.

Then I realized, being honest might scar all that love and care so much so that it will take a long time to earn it back - so why not inject a little white lie if it can save a relationship.

What you don't know won't hurt you, right?

So to end this entry, I'm going off with an excerpt from a Henry Ward Beecher quote on forgive and forget.

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive."