Chiam See No 8

I have this thing, that whenever I go to Penang to visit my grandparents, I have to go get my fortune from this spinning wheel thingie at the Chaiya Mangkalaram Buddhist Temple in Burmah Lane. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and will probably continue to doing it. I guess it's more of like a ritual thing for me.

What I love about this fortune thingie is that, the fortune reads in four languages - English, Mandarin, Malay (olden Malay to be exact) and Thai.

This time during a family reunion in Penang, as usual I visited my grandparents and had a go. This is my fortune.

"YOU who get this No 8 are however, not good for everything. Your present condition is like a big-tree receiving no wind and rain and its main roots have entirely been cut off. It is better if you are able to remove your present residence to some other place. Your property which had beenl ost can hardly be found. You have very little hope in love affairs. In case of prosecution, you will perhaps be the loser. Your aim for other things is rather poor."

Not exactly the best of all... but still... you take life as it comes and make the best out of it :)

deja vu

Had to go down to KL for work stuff today. I was dreading it the whole time because it was going to be at the Mandarin Oriental KLCC. And of course this is again about Andy.

I'm the kind of person who holds on to every little thing in a relationship that has passed and I will savor it slowly (in a way). I guess to me it's like, if I hold on to it, it will happen again. Somehow I just stop living and pause my world and make it revolve around just that bit.

I had flashbacks on the way there. I remember how I felt as I was feeling as I passed by the trees and the mountain range. I remember when I received his text telling me that he had just boarded his train and he'll see me in a couple of hours time and that he needs to shave, he's tired and he's just had the second worst hotel room. I remember bursting out in laughter and relief about that. I remember showing Len his text and she said "What's wrong with the man?"

When I got to KL, I thought, okay let's just not stop living, let's just go on. I'm only going to the hotel for a forum. I'm not going shopping. I can do this. Or so I told myself.

After the forum, I went over to Starbucks (can't live without my coffee unfortunately), which was pretty much not the best choice I made the entire day.

Up to the point where I reached the hotel all the way till I walked over to Starbucks, I was doing fine...

Until I saw KLCC park and I saw the spot where we sat down to talk and laugh and take photos like amazed tourists.

Then everything came rushing back to me.

What he said. What he wore. What he took pix of. What he wanted to do. What we looked at. What we talked about.

"Here's your mocha, miss" the barrista said which helped snap me out of my day dream. Then I walked back to the hotel because my driver was waiting for me there.

Snap snap snap out of it, I told myself. It's not like he's dead. It's not like we can't work this out, we just need to get the timing right to talk right now. That's all... you're making a mountain out of a molehill, I told myself. Which is true, I always make a mountain out of a molehill.

So I snapped out of it. Or at least I thought I did, until I saw the bus that I took home from the airport. It was right in front of us on the highway on the northbound route like us.

I hate this. I really do. I wanna move on. Unfortunately something somewhere is holding on to it. And if I hold on, I'm never gonna move on.............

flashbacks - part II

Two weeks ago, I woke up at 7-ish in the morning on a Monday with the feeling of impending doom. "He's going home today..." was the first thing that ran through my mind. I turned over to look at him. His back was facing me and I could see his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.

I closed my eyes, curled up in a ball and tried to block out reality.

These flashbacks come back to me very often. It makes it in a way harder to get on... but in a way makes me happy because I'm re-living moments with him.

"I'm on my way to Boston," was what he said to me yesterday night before I slept.
"Why are you going to Boston?"
"Business, I told you.... remember?" then it hit me, he had told me about his Boston trip earlier.
"Yeah, slipped my mind... sorry,"

So we talked for a bit more until he had to leave. Then it hit me... why is he telling me all these? Like when he reached HK or when he was in Tokyo leaving for home, he would IM me and let me know.

We've decided not to be together..... so is he updating me like this? Ahhh he confuses me so much.... bleh

time will heal this...

Chris sent me this last night when we were talking. (Thanks for your patience, you rock!)

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, I told him. I really don't really know how to deal with this. One day I'm fine, one day I'm all depressed and the next day I have another sudden realization and I'm fine again. The cycle never stops and it's beginning to really annoy me.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell him about the shit that I'm going through right now but then I think that it's really got nothing to do with him now. It's something that I have to deal on my own. I have to fight my own fires now without depending on him for support.

I wanna be okay again. I know it takes time. If the saying that it takes half the time of being with the person to get over the person is true, I have 3 1/2 years more to go.

It's so annoying now that I can barely hold my food down because I rarely have an appetite but I have to eat else everyone else will start asking "Why what's wrong?" and the emotional ride will start all over again. So I end up eating more than I actually can and my body throws it back out after a bit. Then if not eating well isn't good, I don't sleep too well either.

I'm going through extremes to prove I'm fine without him - being Mary Sunshine 24/7. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind....

Everyone tells me "Oh just find someone else. I wish I could and I wish it was that easy. It's like throwing myself out there and getting someone to replace my mom, my best friend or my left arm for that matter.

I don't know what song this is from but as I read through it, I realize that what it says is true.

That he means a helluva lot to me, but time will heal me, I will love again and no matter how hard it is to be without him, I'll be okay.

p/s : I know sometimes I talk about it like he's dead or something, he's not, but it's just that I have to live my life without him now - for real.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

flashbacks

As if I'm not feeling the worst I have felt in years, flashbacks keep coming back to me and every time I allow myself to re-live a moment, emotions rush through me...

Last week, I woke Andy up at 10am for no apparent reason - except that I was bored. In actual fact I was already up at 7am but couldn't go back to sleep because I was so excited about everything. It's not that I wanted to go anywhere. I was fine just being in his presence. I could just stay all day staring at him.

We went for breakfast (actually it was more of brunch than breakfast but since it was the first meal of the day...) and then after that we went traipsing around KL. Took him to the Central Market and Petaling Street as well as Suria KLCC.

We chilled out till 4pm and then decided to go back to the hotel cuz he wanted to swim in the pool. I had no suit. I kept smacking myself on the head for NOT packing a suit. I always pack a suit everywhere I go just in case I go swimming and this time, I left it out. OF ALL TIMES *sigh* so we tried to do a spot of shopping around for a new suit.

I hate buying something because I have to. I'm a very picky shopper and at times I'm like a guy. I know what I want, I go straight for it and can spend less than 5 mins in a store. I always have a rough idea of what I want and where I can get it from so my usual shopping sprees will take about 10 mins in each store unless if they're having some clearance sale so then... what can I say, I AM female after all.

It's no surprise that I didn't get anything. I should've just worn my GAP top and my undies and joined him in the pool. Instead I dipped my feet in and walked around. He wasn't swimming too much himself. He was mostly standing in one spot doing imaginary exercise moves talking to me.

We finally went back to the room and it was 9.30pm. So we decided that we should go out for food because if we stayed in, we'd be too lazy to go out when we're actually hungry later on and he had spotted a Mexican restaurant about 2 blocks down the road and he wanted enchiladas.

Right about now last week, we were sitting at the bar having his second Weihenstephen and he was telling me all about his trip to Jamaica earlier this year for Jeremy's wedding and that we should always 'respect the Dawg' and what Dr Feelgood would do for him all in the name of cash.

I miss my Andy...

The Bergdorf Blondes vs p.s I Love You

Remember earlier when I wanted to reinject romance into my life and I bought Cecelia Ahern's p.s I Love You? (Wow somehow that reminds me of this book by Will Bullas that Andy got for me for Christmas one year).

Anyways, I didn't find that book that much of a tear jerker (Cecelia Ahern, not Will Bullas) as compared to others whom I know who have read the book. It was touching in the first two chapters but after that it got predictable for me so I just put it down. It's been sitting on my study table ever since.

Yesterday while I went to the mall to run a few errands, I saw the book - Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes.

Now, don't get me wrong but I love pretty looking books. You know how they say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover? I do that a lot. I have a weakness for hardcover books. I have a few copies of Anne Rice's books in hard cover and paperback - the hardcover is mostly for collection purposes but I have read ALL the Anne Rice books that I've bought.

Anyhoo, this book, is really girly and much easier reading for me. I've easily gone through five chapters today and I probably will finish the book before I sleep tonight AND have a great time. But it also depends cuz I am rather sleepy. Went out for drinks last night and there was a blackout in my area this morning for about 3 hours, as it it wasn't bad enough that I had a hangover, there was no fan or a/c at all... bleh....

Okey dokes, gotta go. Talk to you soon

Regret is a big fat bitch kicking you in the arse

There are many things I regret not doing when he was around.

1) I regret not jumping into the pool at the hotel with him even though I didn't bring a suit. I could have just worn one of my strappy tops and my low rise undies (which btw does look very bikini bottom like)
2) I regret not asking if I'll ever see him again
3) I regret not snuggling up to him when I woke up in the middle of the night and realizing that I had moved over to my side.
4) I regret not taking enough photographs of us
5) I regret not kissing him at the train station
6) I regret not asking him to stay earlier
7) I regret not asking him to take him with me
8) I regret not telling him that I love him
9) I regret not asking him about the past or the future

I think I never did all these things because I was afraid. I knew that if I told him that I loved him, I would expect him to say it in return and I didn't want him to say it because I said it.

I was afraid that if he said it because I said it, it wouldn't be real.

I was afraid that if I said it and he didn't say it in return I would be heartbroken.

I was afraid that if I took a million pictures of us together I would have a hell of a time trying to get over this.

I was afraid that if I asked him about the past of the future, I would be disappointed.

I was afraid of so many things. I was so afraid that I didn't do anything. I never jumped at the opportunity to do so many things with him around.

Now I have to live with regret, not knowing what would happen if I did tell him I loved him. I will never know how he really feels.

Breakdown

I am such a wreck. I've been crying so much since he left that my eyes are swollen. I miss Andy :(

On the way home from KLIA, the scene right before we parted kept playing in my mind. Then Mag called, and I called Len to tell her that I was on my way back and tears kept flowing because I was always reminded of the way he held me in his arms right before we parted.

Mornings are tough. I woke up yesterday and I cried. I cried because I didn't wake up next to him anymore.

I cried because I couldn't hear his constant breathing.

I cried because there was no smell of him next to me.

I cried because there was no more Andy.

Nights are tough too. Right before I slept, I looked around and I was in my own bed. I wasn't going to have to climb in under the sheets while he's still watching telly, turn off the little light on the side dresser, or move over to kiss him goodnight and drift off to sleep in his arms.

I was alone on my bed.

Even music makes me burst. I was driving out for lunch with Len yesterday and a song came on the radio and I burst out crying.....

This morning, I dreamt a little bit of him and I woke up to reality in my own room. No Andy next to me. Reality bites.... it really jumps up and bites you hard in the butt.

My heart feels.... like it's in pieces and scattered all over.

I think I'm having a break down but I'm trying not to let it get to me.....

Mariah Carey ft Bone Thugs and Harmony - Breakdown

(Layzie Bone)
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over

(Krayzie Bone)
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down

[Mariah Carey]
You called yesterday
To basically say
That you care for me but
That you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be
Feeling similarly
And led you to believe
I was ok to just walk away from the
One thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

[Chorus: sung by Mariah Carey; Krayzie Bone singing 1 in background]
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

[Mariah Carey]
So what do you do when
Somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
(Krayzie Bone in background: Gotta get control and roll roll roll on)
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave this way
Do you hold in vain
As they just slip away

[Chorus]

[Wish Bone]
Gonna break you down, down, down, only if you let it (Don't let it)
Everyday crazy situations rocking my mind trying to break me down
But I won't let it forget it
If you feel the same way that I do
Then let me hear y'all all sing too
Sing, it's al-right, it's alright, it's alright yeah
Hoping for the sun, but it looks like rain
B-O-N-E, but it's still the same
Came this far, but it's been a long road
Troubles gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on, on

[Krayzie Bone]
Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here, here
I said it's over. It's ending here, here
So I'll be on my way
And maybe we can meet up in the future one day
But for now I'm bailing, bailing
Bailing! baby gotta get up, can't take no more
I'm headed for the door
Come and take a look into this humble eye
Tell me if we lived a lie
Would our souls unite

[Layzie Bone]
Every new day is a test for me
So I just pray to the Lord for him to bless me, please
There's struggles I'm going through lately
Breaks me down, set me free
Let me be, let me be
Who else do we have to rely on
Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on
Came to get my vibe on
While you look into my eyes
Won't underestimate this soldier story
Imma tell you right now Imma stand up
Wrong if I let my lead bust
Pac said keep your head up
Don't let this world get the best of you
All my struggles, I'm through
If it's over, over, over
Don't breakdown yet it's over

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)
Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)

I Stay In Love

I've always been a fan of MC. I think she rocks and I'm pretty sure a lot of people say this but I really mean it when I say I relate to the lyrics.

This song in particular from her recent album really reaches out to me. I'm in denial about a relationship I'm in. Not that it's that much of a relationship anymore. We were together for 7 years, May this year would have marked the 8th year but we ended it last year, anyhoo we're still very much in contact and we're friends.

He was my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life. And you never throw away something like that easily.

Only my really close friends know about him because others think that this isn't real and that long distance relationships over continents with only technology to keep us together will never work. In fact only a handful of people even know about his existence and what he means to me because it's just too much to explain.

He recently came over for a visit and I had a wonderful three days with him. Things were rather awkward but at the same time everything felt so natural. Our relationship has gone to the level where we can just sit in the same room and we can be doing our own thing or just staring off into space and it feels natural. We don't need to speak to convey anything (which sometimes gets rather creepy)

I would love to try and keep this relationship going. Unfortunately the years and distance has taken a toll on the both of us and we know this is the best thing to do. We're both reluctant to move over and living 14hrs apart is not easy.

I don't know about him but I know I really am still hanging on, hoping that it will one day happen again for the both of us.

I've lived 8 years of my life with him in it.... I really can't imagine my life without my best friend, my confidante and the love of my life.... I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without my Andy.

But deep down, I know that it's never going to happen and it really sucks....

I've been crying since I left him at the airport gates.

He hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and tears just flowed. Then I pushed him away, looked down so that he wouldn't see my tears and said "Just go..." but my voice gave me away. I was quivering.

He didn't let go of me but tilted my chin up and I saw him smiling at me and then he asked "Are you crying?" Then he held me in his arms again and kissed me on the forehead. Then I looked up at him and he said "You were worth the wait," and then he kissed me on the lips and bear hugged me again.

Tears flowed like an open faucet. I couldn't take it. I pushed him away, wiped the tears away and looked at him and said "Just go... please...." and I walked away. I couldn't watch him go past the gates. I couldn't turn back to look at him because I know if I did, I would run after him and ask him not to leave me. I would cry. I would make a huge scene.

I had just said my final good bye to the love of my life. I know I'll probably never see him in real life again.

If holding on is hard, letting go is even harder. But I will always love him.... and nothing will ever change that.

the babygirl and Mr Weldon
August 11, 2008 @ KLIA, Malaysia


Mariah Carey - I Stay In Love
I Stay In Love
Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make up break up can't take this madness
We don't even really know why all I know is baby I
Try and try so hard to keep our love alive
If you don't' know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel
It's a mistake if we just erase it
From our hearts and minds I know

We said let it go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like 'Oh well' each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now, no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep it hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall how
we gon' act like what we had
Ain't nothing at all now
Hey, what I wanna do is ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block proud in the SU
We both know our heart is breakin'
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone, although I know

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

ranting about work...

I am so stressed with work nowadays that I really am not sure how I should deal with it. For the last 2 weeks, I have had 3 event projects on my hand which I'm running in collaboration with different Heads of Units in my office.

(quick flashback, I'm with the Resource Centre - meaning I'm very resourceful. HAHAHA. Anyhoo I do all the writing for the company - programme books, fact sheets, news releases, briefs, memorandums, circulars, flyers, banners, brochures, you get the gist)

And I think I'm up to a point where work is on my mind 24/7. There are countless days where I go to sleep thinking of work and I dream of work and then I wake up thinking of work. And the sad part is, I don't like my job that much. And frankly, I don't like the people I work with very much either (of course there are a few exceptions to that).

I have nicknames for people at work.
1) Humpee (cuz she brings her boyfriend everywhere and he's like some blood scum sucking rodent and tries to hump her every chance he gets.... yes even when I'm in the room)
2) Zoidberg (cuz she reminds me a tad of Professor Zoidberg from Futurama and also she's rather queer)
3) Screamer (well, that's rather self explanatory. She screams a lot in the office and she's rather emotional AND sensitive, so she takes quite a bit of things into offense.)
4) Mr Bean (cuz he's effing short sighted and won't bloody wear his glasses and squints like his life depends on it when he reads documents)
5) Intel Aunty (cuz she used to work with that company and with all the experience she's told me about, she's really dim. One time, she wanted to borrow my pen drive to extract a file into her pen drive and after 5 mins, she calls over "Claire, my notebook won't detect your pen drive... can you come and help?" as I walked over, I saw my pen drive.... sitting in front of the USB port... not in it, mind you. IN. FRONT. OF. IT yeah a decade at Intel my ass....)
6) Crazy Indecisive Dude (another self explanatory name. He can NEVER decide. Well he can, but he'll decide something else later. And then go back to point A.... and jump to point D and then to point C and then say okay it's final. But the next morning he'll say "Why'd you go to Point C in the first place??? Point A was fine!!!)

Work stresses me out, so whenever there's a chance to go party and chill out, I say yes in a heartbeat. Unless if I'm too tired.

Unfortunately what happened the other night was that I partied till about 5am and I got home. Didn't get enough sleep. Had to go into the office to help set up the new computer labs and it was uber dusty and stuffy. Didn't feel good but didn't really bother.

Then on Sunday I felt really icky but didn't really bother about it either.

Then Monday came... dum dum dummmm. I had a sore throat, body aches, running nose and a fever. Didn't really bother either and went straight to work because I had an event going on. Had to report for duty. By the last 2 hours of the day, the fever had really kicked in.

On my way home from work, I went to the doctor's clinic. Turns out I was having viral fever, burning up at 38C/100F with the whole works. Doc told me "Take two days off... and REST! If it doesn't get any better, come back and I'll give you another day off,"

Turns out, my office has NO idea what medical leave is. Everyone called an hour apart from 9am all the way to 4pm for 2 whole days. I couldn't rest at all.... I took my meds, and phone call came in one after another. By the 2nd day I couldn't take it. Called up my doc and asked for one more day. She gave it to me.

And today is Sunday. My final event is tomorrow and the morons in my office... are calling me non stop. It's not even MY event to begin with. I'm only helping with the printing and promotional materials. Dammit some people need to learn to DO THINGS ON THEIR OWN!