an epiphany

"We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe - and it works.

We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth...

We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces..."

Heard this while watching Grey's Anatomy 204 - Deny, Deny, Deny today and it hit me. The verity of it.

How often do we do this to ourselves. Deny ourselves the truth because we'd much rather live in the fantasy that we want to see and believe.

I know I live in my own world. So much so, that I tend to not realize which is really the truth and which is my fantasy... so much so that I cannot see the truth most of the time, which scares me.

I was reading about my horoscope yesterday, trying to understand myself and two of my traits is where Pisceans like getting 'lost' and loves mysteries of all guises.

Maybe the fantasy world is something that comes to me naturally. But growing up with non-Pisceans, I have learnt to believe that there is an actual world outside and that there are perceptions.

There was a time where I thought a lot of things were real... but things change.... if not for the worse... the much better :)

Carleton Big Ad

I remember watching this when I was in uni... the commercial blew me away. It was SO simple... and yet it was bloody brilliant.

I had completely forgot about it until he linked it over.




I still can't get over how simple... yet entertainingly effective and honest this commercial is.

Over and Over Again

I heard this song when I was in the car with Colin the other day... I've heard the song before but never knew that Nelly had collaborated with Tim McGraw on this one. I liked the melody and the feel of the song. But when I listened to the lyrics... it pulled a string in my heart.

It reminds me of Andy and when I first realized that he had something with this other woman - Emily in Sept 06, and then later another woman - Fukuko, sometime after his birthday in 07. But I kept quiet the whole time.

Mulled in my own depression and frustration. Cried till there were no more tears.

I didn't want to make a fuss. I never want to make a fuss. I don't know why. Partly because I don't want to sound like the deranged emotional woman I can be. Partly because in a way, I believe that if he doesn't realize what he did was wrong, he's not that all worth it. I give up very easily.

That's why when I'm in a relationship, I don't kick up a fuss. I sit. Think. Mull. Then I let it go.

I remember during his birthday in 07, he told me that there’s nothing we can’t overcome. We can do it. We’ll fight the odds. We’ve done it so many years, we can continue to do it.

We called it quits in Sept 07. Actually, he called it quits on me.

Then when we decided to call it quits, I knew he had something on with her but he kept denying it every time I asked him about it. Didn't mention her name though. Fine, I thought. Maybe he wanted to tell me but he just didn't know how to break it to me. Whatever. I don't care now. I know, because I don't know how to break it to him that I've moved on and I'm in a committed relationship now.

He knows, I'm pretty sure he knows, your gut instincts are always right. I’m just denying it.

But at that time... I kept picturing him with her, over and over again and it got so bad to a point that I could barely function.

I dreamt of him few nights ago. He had come to pick me up and we were talking in the car and he held my hand and held it to his chest and assured me that everything will be fine. I woke up almost instantly and I wanted to cry.

It breaks my heart, why didn't he want to really make it work in the first place, and now that I'm moving on, he's telling me things I wanted to hear months ago... and it makes me wonder why we spent so much time arguing about so many things where we could be working on our relationship and making it work.

I hate it that when I was fighting hard to keep us alive, he took me for granted. Now that it's over and I've moved on, he wants to fight. His fight, subtle as it is, is haunting me. I hate it when my past creeps up on me and taps me on the shoulder because it makes me wonder 'what if' and I had learnt from a very young age - "There is no such thing as what if,"

I think in one way, Andy's last visit was closure for me. The last chapter of that book.

I have moved on since, and I know I'm not lying to myself when I say this.

Because everyday I wake up and he's the first person that pops into my mind. He's the only one I want to be with. He's the one I want to share a bed with. He's the one I want to spoil.

He's the one I love <3

Nelly feat Tim McGraw - Over and Over Again
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things

Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh

But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head

Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh

I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realizes that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head

well, like duh

I'm more naive than I think I am sometimes. It just hit me why he comes back to Ipoh so often. Me.

Yes I know, it goes without saying "Like duh... why else would he be back here so often???" or like what Len told me during the early days of our relationship - "I haven't seen Colin back in Ipoh as often as this. Are you sure you guys aren't dating?"

It only hit me when we went out for drinks one night and one friend (whom is his school mate) asked him "Colin, watchu doing in Ipoh?" and all he did was point at me. Then the guy asked "You're on holidays?" "Yeah, term break," "Oh... so why don't you stay in KL instead?" again... he pointed at me.

THEN it hit me... he's back here because of me. I don't know why but it never hit me earlier. I always thought he came back cuz his family is here and that he was really bored in KL and that I was around.

Anyhoo, we're going apartment hunting... cross your fingers for us!!!

Cowboy - Kid Rock

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle or any music library list (eg. WMP; Winamp and etc)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The 5 C's - Kopi Kat Klan

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Crumbs - Disagree

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The City - Joe Purdy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
1234567 - F.I.R.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
How To Save A Life - The Fray

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
戀人未滿 - S.H.E

WHAT IS 2+2?
It Must Have Been Love - Roxette

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
きらら - 工藤 静香

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Don't Mind Lay-lay Boy - Ranma 1/2

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Somewhere Over The Rainbow - The Wizard of Oz OST

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Goodies - Ciara ft Lil Jon

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE
Les Poisson - The Little Mermaid OST

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Bananaphone - Raffi

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
When I Need You - Leo Sayer

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
No Diggity - Blackstreet

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Unbelievable - EMF

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Sugar Sugar - The Archies

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A Shoulder To Cry On - Tommy Page

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
I Wish You Well - Mariah Carey

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Could've Been - Mandy Moore

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Surfer Girl - The Beach Boys

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
湯屋の朝 - Joe Hisaishi (Spirited Away OST)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Shake That Ass - Mystikal

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Grillz - Nelly ft Paul Wall

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Always Coca-Cola - Commercial Jingle

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Scent of Death - IWTV OST

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
最熟悉的陌生人 - Elva Hsiao

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Cowboy - Kid Rock

Chiam See No 13

"ANY one who gets this No 13 is like a small tree having few leaves and no fruits. When the raining season comes it begins to spread some branches and leaves. You should not remove your present residence now, or do not change your occupation, do it as you did before, otherwise you may get trouble afterwards. You will meet your relatives who left you a long time ago. Your luck for other things is good. In case of love, you have little hope at present but in future you will meet your real lover."

This Chiam See has been one of the more accurate ones I've received of late. Well, the part about relatives that is. I have recently been back in touch with a cousin whom I haven't met in over 15 years or so... maybe even close to 20 years. I have to say I am very glad that we're back in touch... and the best part is... we talk as though time never left us. Blood IS thicker than water ;)

But the present residence and occupation worries me a tad. Not too much. But it's just that I had just accepted an offer for a new job and have just quit my present job AND will be relocating to PJ so... let's just hope it all goes well....

Great things happen to those who are unafraid to try

He didn't get nominated :(

I woke up this morning and saw an Inbox message from Voize 2008 - Nominations are out!!!

I actually jumped up and scrolled down the list excitedly. Reaching out for my cell phone, I almost called him *just in case he didn't know* but then I thought that I should at least go thru the list first before waking him up at 10am...

I went thru the list like three times... literally. Didn't see his name there. Then I realized that he had already seen the list and posted it on his FB status.

Hun I'm sorry you didn't get it. We were all pretty sure you'd get nominated... I'm upset too... I know you are disappointed despite your nonchalant exterior :P

I know this sounds negative but maybe this isn't your time yet. Maybe this isn't your big break.

Your break will come. I know it.

And no, I'm not just saying that cuz I'm dating you.

I'm saying it because I believe in your passion for music... I know that your passion will definitely lead you somewhere and it will lead you to bigger and better things *p/s : this is the girlfriend part speaking*

Great things happen to those who aren't afraid to try.... and you are one of them shining stars :)

i miss you :(

I just spent the last five days with my puppy in KL....

We didn't really do THAT much anyways.... went for Janey + Andy's wedding... did a spot of shopping... but basically we just hung out... pretty much what we do at home here (which is watch movies, snuggle up and eat) anyways... except that there are NO interruptions at all... which was pretty cool!

He just dropped me home a few hours ago and I already miss him terribly... but can you blame me? :P

We spent every hour together (I wanted to say minute but then again there here plenty of minutes such as toilet and shower times where we DID NOT spend together hahaha)

I changed my FB status from 'single' to being 'in a relationship'... because I am. I guess I didn't do it earlier maybe because I wasn't entirely sure if I should or not.

I got a glimpse of how life would be when we move in together next year... and I have to admit that I'm surprised and excited about it because it felt rather natural. At first I thought it might be a bit awkward.... but it wasn't at all.

I was completely at ease being with him at home.

I was comfortable doing my own stuff while he's doing his stuff... and I think we've reached the level in the relationship where both of us are comfortable being in the same room doing our own thing and not saying a word AND not feeling awkward at the same time.

:)

Now I'm sitting in my room... everything seems normal... yet it seems different... because the bunny is sitting alone... arrghhh I seriously do not like it when I pine for him... bleh...

Hun, in case you're reading this - YOU lah! Ishk....

p/s : Voize nomination list will be out on Dec 11, 2008... I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him!!!

lazy days

Am in KL for Jane (my old roomie from Perth)'s wedding... went to her church wedding on Saturday... and the dinner party on Sunday night...

I can't believe it... but Janey's hitched!!! I am unbelievably estatic and happy for her... and I can tell you one thing, I rarely genuinely feel things like this strongly... and when I actually do, that shows how big a deal it actually is.

I can still remember the days when I was sitting in my room working on my assignments... and then this figure walks by my room... and goes "helloooooo...." and doesn't stop.....

OR

the time where she excitedly ran into my room, grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me ALL the way to the bathroom... just to point to our toothbrushes by the sink. All because they were 'kissing'

hahahaha

Have been in KL for the past three days and I'm telling you... I am slowly morphing into

a) a sloth

b) one with the bed (think That 70s Show when Eric overeats and Fez is scared to go near Fat Eric only to find out that Kelso was buried under Fat Eric)

Well, not THAT fat... but I have been so lazy to even get out of bed.... today... it took us HOURS to actually get out of bed (and no.... not because of that!).

I woke up at about 1-ish in the afternoon.... then he woke up.... then instead of getting up... he turned on Top Gear... so we spent hours watching Top Gear... and it was only until we realized that it was already evening... *ooerr*

So we went out for food... dropped by the Digital Mall for a bit.... and then came home...

Now he's gaming... and I'm... well... blogging... hahaha

Tomorrow it's IKEA shopping day!!!! *w00t*

I need to buy

a) 2 chairs (for the dining hall)

b) extra 3-way pin adapters

c) timer (for the hall light)

d) I can't remember...

BUT I did bring my reusable IKEA bag... so... let's just hope I don't load too much stuff in there!

FB messed up - Part II

I'm an addict. I know. I have to log in Facebook a million times a day or else it really feels weird.

Today Facebook amazed me yet again. Remember my previous post about how FB messed up?

This time, a Wall-to-Wall convo took place in the future! Check it out!

I sometimes don't know what to do with him

Again on the topic of being effing pissed. I thought I had let go. Then two random people (random as in not from my usual circle of peeps) tell me about him and that bitch. I know, it's unfair to call her a bitch because she might not know, but I don't effing care.

The randomest thing about it is that both of them, had no idea who I was dating... and I know that they are credible sources in this case.

I'm calling anyone who sleeps in the same bed as my boyfriend a bitch. I have that fucking right.

Anyhoo... random person A tells me that that bitch has a lover in PJ. He could name me the place he lived in and the car he drives - which oh so coincidentally is the same as my boyfriend *fume* then he could tell me that this lover of hers used to be her college mate and they dated for a while...

Random person B asks me about the other Malay girl. And at that time I had no idea what he was talking about and I insisted that there was only one (which is his most recent ex girlfriend) and he insisted that there were two, and one of them was his college mate.

I literally blew my top. Fortunately for him, I didn't blow my top at him. He didn't get to suffer any wrath because
a) I don't like to make a fuss in a relationship
b) By the time we got to talking, I had already had the entire day to cool down...

Had to approach this rationally. Partly because this was from his past. I have things in my past too. But I'm pretty sure I cover my tracks up well, in the sense that it won't jump up and nip him in the arse - like how his is doing to me.

His past is always coming up to nip me in the arse... so many people in the same circle... so many people telling me so many stories... don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not grateful for the information about the person he is.

But I fell in love with the person I know him as... not the person these people know him as.

I confronted him about it and I told him that it's not fair for me to hear it from others, and that I want to hear it from him. Because him and me is all that matters.

His side of the story
- she's a friend who needed help cuz she's relocated to another country
- they go all the way back to college
- nothing happened
- they used to date

That's when I blew my top at him. I still don't understand.... ex or non ex girlfriend, you NEVER bunk in the same bed with another female if you have a girlfriend! How hard is that to understand? Is that not like a common ground rule? Like "Honey, am I fat?" the automated response is "No, don't be silly," in an assuring voice.

I gave him my two cents worth.

He explained himself. I know where he's coming from. I know what he meant and what he was thinking about when he did that. If he was cheating on me, he wouldn't tell me anything at all, simple as that.

But he didn't know how it would bother me.

So from today forth... she shall be known as the bitch. I don't care how much he dislikes it. Because it's his own fault that he did not clarify it with her and he crossed a boundary.