an epiphany

"We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe - and it works.

We lie to ourselves so much that after a while, the lies start to seem like the truth...

We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces..."

Heard this while watching Grey's Anatomy 204 - Deny, Deny, Deny today and it hit me. The verity of it.

How often do we do this to ourselves. Deny ourselves the truth because we'd much rather live in the fantasy that we want to see and believe.

I know I live in my own world. So much so, that I tend to not realize which is really the truth and which is my fantasy... so much so that I cannot see the truth most of the time, which scares me.

I was reading about my horoscope yesterday, trying to understand myself and two of my traits is where Pisceans like getting 'lost' and loves mysteries of all guises.

Maybe the fantasy world is something that comes to me naturally. But growing up with non-Pisceans, I have learnt to believe that there is an actual world outside and that there are perceptions.

There was a time where I thought a lot of things were real... but things change.... if not for the worse... the much better :)

Carleton Big Ad

I remember watching this when I was in uni... the commercial blew me away. It was SO simple... and yet it was bloody brilliant.

I had completely forgot about it until he linked it over.




I still can't get over how simple... yet entertainingly effective and honest this commercial is.

Over and Over Again

I heard this song when I was in the car with Colin the other day... I've heard the song before but never knew that Nelly had collaborated with Tim McGraw on this one. I liked the melody and the feel of the song. But when I listened to the lyrics... it pulled a string in my heart.

It reminds me of Andy and when I first realized that he had something with this other woman - Emily in Sept 06, and then later another woman - Fukuko, sometime after his birthday in 07. But I kept quiet the whole time.

Mulled in my own depression and frustration. Cried till there were no more tears.

I didn't want to make a fuss. I never want to make a fuss. I don't know why. Partly because I don't want to sound like the deranged emotional woman I can be. Partly because in a way, I believe that if he doesn't realize what he did was wrong, he's not that all worth it. I give up very easily.

That's why when I'm in a relationship, I don't kick up a fuss. I sit. Think. Mull. Then I let it go.

I remember during his birthday in 07, he told me that there’s nothing we can’t overcome. We can do it. We’ll fight the odds. We’ve done it so many years, we can continue to do it.

We called it quits in Sept 07. Actually, he called it quits on me.

Then when we decided to call it quits, I knew he had something on with her but he kept denying it every time I asked him about it. Didn't mention her name though. Fine, I thought. Maybe he wanted to tell me but he just didn't know how to break it to me. Whatever. I don't care now. I know, because I don't know how to break it to him that I've moved on and I'm in a committed relationship now.

He knows, I'm pretty sure he knows, your gut instincts are always right. I’m just denying it.

But at that time... I kept picturing him with her, over and over again and it got so bad to a point that I could barely function.

I dreamt of him few nights ago. He had come to pick me up and we were talking in the car and he held my hand and held it to his chest and assured me that everything will be fine. I woke up almost instantly and I wanted to cry.

It breaks my heart, why didn't he want to really make it work in the first place, and now that I'm moving on, he's telling me things I wanted to hear months ago... and it makes me wonder why we spent so much time arguing about so many things where we could be working on our relationship and making it work.

I hate it that when I was fighting hard to keep us alive, he took me for granted. Now that it's over and I've moved on, he wants to fight. His fight, subtle as it is, is haunting me. I hate it when my past creeps up on me and taps me on the shoulder because it makes me wonder 'what if' and I had learnt from a very young age - "There is no such thing as what if,"

I think in one way, Andy's last visit was closure for me. The last chapter of that book.

I have moved on since, and I know I'm not lying to myself when I say this.

Because everyday I wake up and he's the first person that pops into my mind. He's the only one I want to be with. He's the one I want to share a bed with. He's the one I want to spoil.

He's the one I love <3

Nelly feat Tim McGraw - Over and Over Again
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things

Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh

But I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can't take it yeah I can't shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keep playing in my head

Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh

I think she's leaving
Ooh man she's leaving
I don't know what else to do
(I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

(Now that I've realizes that I'm going down
From all this pain you've put me through
Everytime I close my eyes I lock it down
I can't go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can't keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can't take it I can't shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it's all in my head

well, like duh

I'm more naive than I think I am sometimes. It just hit me why he comes back to Ipoh so often. Me.

Yes I know, it goes without saying "Like duh... why else would he be back here so often???" or like what Len told me during the early days of our relationship - "I haven't seen Colin back in Ipoh as often as this. Are you sure you guys aren't dating?"

It only hit me when we went out for drinks one night and one friend (whom is his school mate) asked him "Colin, watchu doing in Ipoh?" and all he did was point at me. Then the guy asked "You're on holidays?" "Yeah, term break," "Oh... so why don't you stay in KL instead?" again... he pointed at me.

THEN it hit me... he's back here because of me. I don't know why but it never hit me earlier. I always thought he came back cuz his family is here and that he was really bored in KL and that I was around.

Anyhoo, we're going apartment hunting... cross your fingers for us!!!

Cowboy - Kid Rock

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle or any music library list (eg. WMP; Winamp and etc)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The 5 C's - Kopi Kat Klan

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Crumbs - Disagree

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The City - Joe Purdy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
1234567 - F.I.R.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
How To Save A Life - The Fray

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
戀人未滿 - S.H.E

WHAT IS 2+2?
It Must Have Been Love - Roxette

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
きらら - 工藤 静香

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Don't Mind Lay-lay Boy - Ranma 1/2

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Somewhere Over The Rainbow - The Wizard of Oz OST

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Goodies - Ciara ft Lil Jon

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE
Les Poisson - The Little Mermaid OST

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Bananaphone - Raffi

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
When I Need You - Leo Sayer

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
No Diggity - Blackstreet

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Unbelievable - EMF

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Sugar Sugar - The Archies

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A Shoulder To Cry On - Tommy Page

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
I Wish You Well - Mariah Carey

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Could've Been - Mandy Moore

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Surfer Girl - The Beach Boys

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
湯屋の朝 - Joe Hisaishi (Spirited Away OST)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Shake That Ass - Mystikal

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Grillz - Nelly ft Paul Wall

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Always Coca-Cola - Commercial Jingle

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Scent of Death - IWTV OST

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
最熟悉的陌生人 - Elva Hsiao

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Cowboy - Kid Rock

Chiam See No 13

"ANY one who gets this No 13 is like a small tree having few leaves and no fruits. When the raining season comes it begins to spread some branches and leaves. You should not remove your present residence now, or do not change your occupation, do it as you did before, otherwise you may get trouble afterwards. You will meet your relatives who left you a long time ago. Your luck for other things is good. In case of love, you have little hope at present but in future you will meet your real lover."

This Chiam See has been one of the more accurate ones I've received of late. Well, the part about relatives that is. I have recently been back in touch with a cousin whom I haven't met in over 15 years or so... maybe even close to 20 years. I have to say I am very glad that we're back in touch... and the best part is... we talk as though time never left us. Blood IS thicker than water ;)

But the present residence and occupation worries me a tad. Not too much. But it's just that I had just accepted an offer for a new job and have just quit my present job AND will be relocating to PJ so... let's just hope it all goes well....

Great things happen to those who are unafraid to try

He didn't get nominated :(

I woke up this morning and saw an Inbox message from Voize 2008 - Nominations are out!!!

I actually jumped up and scrolled down the list excitedly. Reaching out for my cell phone, I almost called him *just in case he didn't know* but then I thought that I should at least go thru the list first before waking him up at 10am...

I went thru the list like three times... literally. Didn't see his name there. Then I realized that he had already seen the list and posted it on his FB status.

Hun I'm sorry you didn't get it. We were all pretty sure you'd get nominated... I'm upset too... I know you are disappointed despite your nonchalant exterior :P

I know this sounds negative but maybe this isn't your time yet. Maybe this isn't your big break.

Your break will come. I know it.

And no, I'm not just saying that cuz I'm dating you.

I'm saying it because I believe in your passion for music... I know that your passion will definitely lead you somewhere and it will lead you to bigger and better things *p/s : this is the girlfriend part speaking*

Great things happen to those who aren't afraid to try.... and you are one of them shining stars :)

i miss you :(

I just spent the last five days with my puppy in KL....

We didn't really do THAT much anyways.... went for Janey + Andy's wedding... did a spot of shopping... but basically we just hung out... pretty much what we do at home here (which is watch movies, snuggle up and eat) anyways... except that there are NO interruptions at all... which was pretty cool!

He just dropped me home a few hours ago and I already miss him terribly... but can you blame me? :P

We spent every hour together (I wanted to say minute but then again there here plenty of minutes such as toilet and shower times where we DID NOT spend together hahaha)

I changed my FB status from 'single' to being 'in a relationship'... because I am. I guess I didn't do it earlier maybe because I wasn't entirely sure if I should or not.

I got a glimpse of how life would be when we move in together next year... and I have to admit that I'm surprised and excited about it because it felt rather natural. At first I thought it might be a bit awkward.... but it wasn't at all.

I was completely at ease being with him at home.

I was comfortable doing my own stuff while he's doing his stuff... and I think we've reached the level in the relationship where both of us are comfortable being in the same room doing our own thing and not saying a word AND not feeling awkward at the same time.

:)

Now I'm sitting in my room... everything seems normal... yet it seems different... because the bunny is sitting alone... arrghhh I seriously do not like it when I pine for him... bleh...

Hun, in case you're reading this - YOU lah! Ishk....

p/s : Voize nomination list will be out on Dec 11, 2008... I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him!!!

lazy days

Am in KL for Jane (my old roomie from Perth)'s wedding... went to her church wedding on Saturday... and the dinner party on Sunday night...

I can't believe it... but Janey's hitched!!! I am unbelievably estatic and happy for her... and I can tell you one thing, I rarely genuinely feel things like this strongly... and when I actually do, that shows how big a deal it actually is.

I can still remember the days when I was sitting in my room working on my assignments... and then this figure walks by my room... and goes "helloooooo...." and doesn't stop.....

OR

the time where she excitedly ran into my room, grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me ALL the way to the bathroom... just to point to our toothbrushes by the sink. All because they were 'kissing'

hahahaha

Have been in KL for the past three days and I'm telling you... I am slowly morphing into

a) a sloth

b) one with the bed (think That 70s Show when Eric overeats and Fez is scared to go near Fat Eric only to find out that Kelso was buried under Fat Eric)

Well, not THAT fat... but I have been so lazy to even get out of bed.... today... it took us HOURS to actually get out of bed (and no.... not because of that!).

I woke up at about 1-ish in the afternoon.... then he woke up.... then instead of getting up... he turned on Top Gear... so we spent hours watching Top Gear... and it was only until we realized that it was already evening... *ooerr*

So we went out for food... dropped by the Digital Mall for a bit.... and then came home...

Now he's gaming... and I'm... well... blogging... hahaha

Tomorrow it's IKEA shopping day!!!! *w00t*

I need to buy

a) 2 chairs (for the dining hall)

b) extra 3-way pin adapters

c) timer (for the hall light)

d) I can't remember...

BUT I did bring my reusable IKEA bag... so... let's just hope I don't load too much stuff in there!

FB messed up - Part II

I'm an addict. I know. I have to log in Facebook a million times a day or else it really feels weird.

Today Facebook amazed me yet again. Remember my previous post about how FB messed up?

This time, a Wall-to-Wall convo took place in the future! Check it out!

I sometimes don't know what to do with him

Again on the topic of being effing pissed. I thought I had let go. Then two random people (random as in not from my usual circle of peeps) tell me about him and that bitch. I know, it's unfair to call her a bitch because she might not know, but I don't effing care.

The randomest thing about it is that both of them, had no idea who I was dating... and I know that they are credible sources in this case.

I'm calling anyone who sleeps in the same bed as my boyfriend a bitch. I have that fucking right.

Anyhoo... random person A tells me that that bitch has a lover in PJ. He could name me the place he lived in and the car he drives - which oh so coincidentally is the same as my boyfriend *fume* then he could tell me that this lover of hers used to be her college mate and they dated for a while...

Random person B asks me about the other Malay girl. And at that time I had no idea what he was talking about and I insisted that there was only one (which is his most recent ex girlfriend) and he insisted that there were two, and one of them was his college mate.

I literally blew my top. Fortunately for him, I didn't blow my top at him. He didn't get to suffer any wrath because
a) I don't like to make a fuss in a relationship
b) By the time we got to talking, I had already had the entire day to cool down...

Had to approach this rationally. Partly because this was from his past. I have things in my past too. But I'm pretty sure I cover my tracks up well, in the sense that it won't jump up and nip him in the arse - like how his is doing to me.

His past is always coming up to nip me in the arse... so many people in the same circle... so many people telling me so many stories... don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not grateful for the information about the person he is.

But I fell in love with the person I know him as... not the person these people know him as.

I confronted him about it and I told him that it's not fair for me to hear it from others, and that I want to hear it from him. Because him and me is all that matters.

His side of the story
- she's a friend who needed help cuz she's relocated to another country
- they go all the way back to college
- nothing happened
- they used to date

That's when I blew my top at him. I still don't understand.... ex or non ex girlfriend, you NEVER bunk in the same bed with another female if you have a girlfriend! How hard is that to understand? Is that not like a common ground rule? Like "Honey, am I fat?" the automated response is "No, don't be silly," in an assuring voice.

I gave him my two cents worth.

He explained himself. I know where he's coming from. I know what he meant and what he was thinking about when he did that. If he was cheating on me, he wouldn't tell me anything at all, simple as that.

But he didn't know how it would bother me.

So from today forth... she shall be known as the bitch. I don't care how much he dislikes it. Because it's his own fault that he did not clarify it with her and he crossed a boundary.

I'm wondering....

Remember I was effing pissed at him last month?

Today I'm rather pissed at him too. I was at work... wondering how wonderful it would be if I could snuggle back under the covers with him today because it was a rainy day.

Then at noon he wakes up and freaks out. His lecturer called him up and apparently he needs to make some amendments to his assignment. He freaks out. Assignment carries 40%, so I'll go back tmr afternoon, he tells me.

Then he freaks out even more because his maid had accidentally broken the water tank of the toilet.

I laughed silently to myself because sometimes he makes mountains out of molehills and well, it was a tensed day at work, it was rather funny to hear that his maid had broken the toilet.

I'm freaking out, he tells me. Chill... breathe in and breathe out. I'm at work. There's only so much I could do for him. So I told him to go shower, eat some breakfast and then figure out what he wants to do. No point doing anything now unless you're relaxed, I said.

Then he freaks out even more because the license on MS Word on his notebook has expired so he can't do the amendments to his assignment and when he came back this time, he forgot to bring the wireless card for his desktop. That translates to = cannot make amendments to assignment.

After a bit he was quiet. So I asked "Are you okay?" then he tells me that he just threw up.

*stares blankly at the screen*

Apparently that happens when he's too freaked out. Damned artists. I can't imagine being that freaked out as to be able to throw up and esp not at what he was going through. So I left him to cool down and I went out for lunch. "I'm going to eat now, talk to you later okay?"

I came back from lunch and he was offline. So I thought maybe he was trying something.

Few hours later, he was still offline. So I texted him "Hun are you okay?"

It took him 5 flipping minutes to reply me "In KL now :P "

*sigh*

I'm not asking him to report to me on every step that he takes. But at least have the decency or the courtesy to tell me that you'll be going back to KL. Is it that so hard?

Geez... that boy really has no.... goodness I can't even begin to describe - brains? decency? courtesy? common sense? Bah!

I mean it's not like driving out to somewhere with an internet connection and working MS Word... or driving out to Macca's to grab something. This is KL for crying out loud. It's bloody two hours away.

I'm PMS-ing again....

Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

I was reading this on Monday.... and stumbled across this just now and it still cracks me up.

Hats off to David who ACTUALLY did that... and hats off to Jane for all her patience and courteousness in customer service.

Article taken from here

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

Fap

Learnt a new word today - Fap

Fap (verb) [faap]
~ noise made while wanking

An example of usage is as follows :

A : Augh, suddenly my left knuckles are aching. And I didn't even fap with it. Even if I did.... I'm right handed! Augh!!!!
B : Fap?
A : Wank
A : fap fap fap fap
A : splurggurgurgurgurgurpishhhshshshhhsputsputsputsputs....drip
A : hahahahaha
B : Oh my god... HAHAHAHA

Another satisfying day at work, ladies and gentlemen ;)

Auugghhh!

I hate it when I miss him. It gets very annoying. I get very restless. It's all annoying... and I blame him :P

He spoils me so much by coming back every weekend so much that it has only been 2 weekends (not in a row, thank God) that he has not been back in the entire length of our relationship and, well, it's not unbearable... but it's just... like I've lost either one limb (yes I know it sounds exaggerated but that is the way it feels)

And recently it has become a tad worse... not that I really want to complain but it's just that he's been working on his music so much that I literally do not see him at all. He came back last weekend... and on Tuesday I was in DJ so we met up for a couple of hours (which was pretty much fun since we've never hung out anywhere else but Ipoh) and he's supposed to be back this weekend but his brother has got friends coming in from Melbourne and he'll only be able to make it back home on Wednesday or so....

He's going through a lot of tutorials and starting from scratch to build his instruments so much so that his body clock is all wonky now hahaha and I love watching him go like that... it reminds me of when I'm in the writing mood. I can write chapters and chapters on end and editing goes on non stop.

We're both perfectionists in that way. Which tends to annoy a lot of people. Especially when we become uber anal about perfection in our own work :P

I love it that he's working on his music :)
I love being the guinea pig to the endless versions of his work
I love listening to the different sounds he produces (I am actually fascinated with it, even though I was classically trained in classical music for over 10 years, digital music amazes me)
I love that my opinions on his work matters to him (I'm not that much of a techno trance electro kind of person to begin with, which is the genre he works on)

However, I do not love not being able to see him as often as I want to....

I could make a fuss... or throw a tantrum... but I won't...

Bleh. I'm just annoyed that I miss him so much...

CPtm

I'm so proud of my puppy :)

His work got featured in Channel [V] - Remote Control yesterday at 4pm (+0800GST). It was a very short bit... just a filler song for the National Day parade snippet... but hey! it's a start.

And he's submitted entries for the VIMA 2008 (Voice Independent Music Awards) and they organizers have gotten back to him on his newest single and they want to feature him as an artist on their Indie Spotlight! *jumping with glee*

I'm being overly excited for him about this whole thing....

Ooohh and we've officially passed the one month mark... I'm overly excited about this too....!

It's his birthday today... but he's got one paper for his finals on later....

*the bunny wishes lots of luck to the puppy*

Happy birthday hun... this will definitely be YOUR year ;) love you!

i love you

Yes I finally said it.

It feels like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders.... like the suns rays poking through a cloud of mist showing me the way... I actually feel liberated.

We were hanging out in the hall as usual watching a movie. It's his birthday weekend and I had a menu planned out but unfortunately he had to eat with his grandparents, so our dinner plans got canceled.

We were lying on the couch... snuggling and talking about random stuff as usual... then I looked at him

"I love you..." I said softly. He sat up and smiled at me. I think I caught him off guard. In a way, I felt that he was waiting for me to say it back to him.
"Really?"
"Yes.... I do..."
"I love you too,"

Now I know why they call it those magic three words. Because right now I feel like the world is really all rainbows and sunshine and butterflies and flowers in bloom everywhere.

It really does feel magical to say those three words and really mean it to the person you love in his face. I've never done that before....

I'm on a high...

FB messed up :P

I'm on FB like every other night... then when I click to log off FB chat, I realized that they had uploaded my previous status update. So I clicked on my Profile to see if it refreshes or not and look what happened....

HAHAHAHA on the top it says that I'm chocolate hot pot-ing and in my chat window, it says that I'm THE perfect denial ;)

Talk about messing up...

I can't stop laughing

blood donation

I donate blood as often as I can... it's kinda like my own way of doing something for the society. Also, mom used to tell me that dad did it a lot when he was alive so in a way I'm probably trying to continue some sort of tradition.

I started donating at the age of 18 and I actually quite like doing it. It gives me a sense of pride or satisfaction or some sort knowing that what I do can help save someone's life.

I am squeamish about needles... but as long as I don't see where it goes, it's not as bad....

I've only had one collapse in all my years of donating. That one time, was in a mall, I saw that there was a blood donation drive and had gone over to volunteer. After I was done, I looked up and realized that there was a long queue of volunteers and being a 'seasoned' donor I told the nurse that I can just get up so that the next volunteer could start.

Two minutes after I had gotten up, spots started to blind my vision and the next thing I knew, I was back on the stretcher bed with nurses and my friend, Maggie looking at me "Are you ok? You blacked out and almost hit the ground, lucky we saw you were collapsing!"

This time, I was out with him in the mall and I saw a blood donation drive. Pretty quiet one too. So I walked over and signed up. Turns out I was their first volunteer, which really surprised me because it was about 2 in the afternoon.

Everything went well, as usual. Then when I told the nurse I wanted to get up, she held on to the bed and he extended his hand to hold my left arm (I was donating with my right) and somehow as a reflex to getting up, I used my right arm to help push me off the bed.

THEN I realized that I had used my right arm and I looked down, blood was gushing out cuz I applied pressure to it. Hahaha... he panicked a bit... the nurses panicked a bit... and all I did was stare at my blood flowing out staining my arm, top and a bit of the floor

They made me lie down again.

This time he made sure that he lifted me off the bed instead of letting me get up by myself :)


Then I had realized AFTER the entire incident that he's squeamish about needles and blood....

He's really fantastic I'm telling you... in his own little subtle ways... he's blowing my mind...

anti-Kryptonite?

I'm beginning to think that he might be my anti-Kryptonite. Bizarre isn't it? When he's around, I'm always up for anything, and we spend hours together till the wee hours of the morning and continue the next day after we wake up.

The moment he goes back, I start falling ill and keep getting all sorts of weirdness. It's probably just my body catching up with all the sleep and rest that I'm missing with all the excitement when he's around :P

Without him around... I kind of feel... less energetic... less enthusiasm... like there's kryptonite...

I don't know if he's coming back this weekend or not. I know he's a tad busy cuz it's end of the term for him (yes, he's still studying and no, he's not under aged or my toyboy) and he's probably got a million things on his mind. He's got a presentation today and an assignment submission next week... and his finals are on the following week...

I know for sure he'll be back the following week because there's this thing we're attending on a Friday night and because it's his birthday weekend.

I'm having a headache trying to figure out what to get him for his birthday. We haven't been dating long enough for me to know exactly what is a great pressie to get him. But I know I have to get him something.

I can't get him a tee - unless it's a really nice tee cuz I just bought his kid brother a tee for his b'day last weekend... arrghhhh

working out my own demons

A door closes and another opens. I have learned to let go of what I held on to for the past 7-8 years. I know that there's no point and that I'm only making life miserable for myself, which I seriously do not want, at all. I'm learning to take control of my life now.

I have recently met someone else. Initially I was wary of the relationship because I was afraid that I was on rebound. Things were going superb and it's amazing how our lives crossed paths so many times (we're from the same home town) and that we had the same pool of common friends. We have heard of each other but somehow was never formally introduced to each other.

Anyways, I felt emotions that I haven't felt in ages and I love being around him. It's been going on since early September and it's almost November now.

By late September he had already told me that he loves me. Which took me back quite a bit. I didn't think it was possible. And to think of all the cheating scumbags I've met and bumped into, can you blame me for being wary? Come to think of it, it was a very romantic moment. We had JUST had our first kiss and he's looking me in the eye.... then he gently pushes my hair back and slips it neatly behind my ear and then he looks at me again. Eyes are filled with intensity. I actually had to look away.

"Claire...?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you..."
*short silence*
"No you don't...." in disbelief
"Yes... I do..."
"No. You don't...." I insisted.
"Yes. I do...."

I cannot believe... that the first time someone tells me with full sincerity and truth, the three magical words and I shoot him down by doubting the verity of it.

Maybe I'm having commitment issues. I need to work it out. But I do know that I care for him very much and I am in the best of moods whenever I'm with him. Even if I've had the crummiest day of my life earlier.

Then again it's like that game... you know where you're standing with your back facing your friend and you need to just lean back and fall into that person's arms? Deep down I know, he will be there for me and he won't let me fall. But it's just myself doubting it.

I'm learning. Falling in love is like that metaphor for me. I need to be able to trust both him and me before I let go. Wait for me. I will let go and lean back to fall in your arms. I just need to work out my own issues. I promise you I will.

And I haven't said this to you yet, but lately I have been feeling it rather strongly... I love you too

Let it slide

He came back last night and we had our normal routine – snuggling up on the couch and watching movies. Then he said that he should leave because he has to wake up early and he didn’t get a good night’s rest the night before (as if I needed any more reminders!)

He had laid his head to rest on my chest and my cheek was resting on his forehead then I said “Hun… can I tell you something that’s been bugging me?” then he held me closer, nodded and said “Sure… go ahead,”

“Hun… I’m very glad that you were honest enough with me to tell me what went on and all that stuff… but I have to tell you that it really bugs me to know that you were in bed with someone else…”

*moment of silence* “Baby, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay… it’s just that it bugs me and I wanted to tell you cuz I don’t like keeping things like these in,” and then I kissed him on the forehead.

“Baby I’m so sorry…. She’s just an old friend… and nothing happened,”

“I know nothing happened… it’s just that the thought of it….” Then I shuddered to show my discomfort.

He looked up at me and I had my upset/disappointed/sad face... then he had the saddest face on earth then he looks at me in the eye and said “I’m sorry… I didn’t know it would bug you,” and he held me tight.

I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m easy but then again, knowing him…. He’s VERY stupid in that way… as in, he doesn’t really put himself in others shoes and as long as he knows that he’s not doing anything wrong then it’s fine by him.

But I had some advice from a friend. Curb the green eyed monster.

I'll let it slide this time... I can't hold on to things like these. It's not worth holding on anyways. I care about him too much to create a fuss over this. As I said, I haven't come this far and stuck my neck out on this much disapproved relationship to let this set us back.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel content.

And I don't intend to let it go away....

effing pissed

Before I actually go on with the story... these are some random thoughts going on in my mind. Granted that it's mainly about him. Yes, YOU.

Andy and I, finito. I give up. With the whole "I wanna work things out," and all that effing nonsense, I have had enough of it. I've had it for eight bloody years and you know what, if it didn't work out then it's not going to work out now and frankly, I can't take it any more. Who am I trying to kid?

Then when a door closes, another opens. I know it's corny but it does happen.

I am now in a very new relationship and I am utterly happy being with him. He is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met on earth and being with him is just.... makes me speechless. We've been together for almost a month now and I'm telling you, time flies when you're having fun.

He's currently back in university studying sound and music production.

Unfortunately for him, I am effing pissed at him right now. Why you ask? Because of something he did which was incredibly disrespectful.

Call me sensitive or whatever it is... read on and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

So this is what happened.

Last Sunday before he left for KL, he told me that he would drive me for my interview on Thursday and that we'll meet up at Maria's for lunch. After that we could go traipsing around at the mall.

Then on Monday when he's back in KL... all of a sudden he goes berserk because he JUST got a reminder that he has to pick up a friend from the airport who by the way will be flying in from overseas ON Thursday itself. Coincidence. Oh well, so I graciously told him to go ahead with his plans since he had committed to it much earlier anyways. Besides, I totally understand. Also I wouldn't want him to interfere with my life with my friends anyways.

Halfway thru our conversation, he tells me that she's a producer of a show on a music channel... then the green eyed monster hit me saying "Oooh his friend is a she..."

Few weeks before, he had mentioned that he has a friend who is producer and that the friend was interested in using one of his compositions for the music in one of the many programs. So I thought, okay.... shouldn't be anything to worry about.

After that he kept going ON and on about how sorry he is and how sad he is that I'll be doing this by myself and all that nonsense. Then he's all like "Oh I shouldn't have committed to my friend, oh I wish I didn't..." and I wasn't in the mood to bother. I had a job interview to prep for. So I told him it's fine, don't worry about it and that I'll give him a call after and we'll catch up if he's free.

So my interview ended at 6.30pm and I had already called Mary because I really wanted to meet up with her for dinner. We made plans to meet up at 1U at 7.30pm if there's no jam because it was after office hours and if there was one, most likely I'll be stuck in it. If there was a jam, I was to call her and cancel our dinner plans because I didn't want to get home too late at night.

Then I texted him telling him that I'm done and I'm on my way to meet up with Mary if there's no jam. He replies "Sorry sweetheart but I'm a bit tied up here... I guess I'll just have to catch you when I get home tomorrow :("

Eff that.... heck I wanted to meet Mary more than I wanted to meet up with him anyways.

Surprisingly there was NO jam at all and I reached 1U at 7pm, so I did a spot of shopping while waiting for Mary.

When she turned up, the teasing started. He had good timing, because the moment Mary got into teasing, he chose that moment to call me.

So Mary and I got to talking about why he wasn't around and she asked "So? She's a producer big deal... can't we all meet her and have dinner together? What's the big deal?"

That thought had been running through my mind the entire day. What was the big deal? Why couldn't we all hang out.

And I'm like "Yeah, I don't get him. I don't mind that he's made earlier plans with his friends but my point is that, I'm effing here and I deliberately chose the day where he has no classes AND I'm literally 15 mins away. Why can't he just bloody come out to have dinner?"

The conversation went on and on. I rationnalize and gave him the benefit of the doubt - she IS his college friend and they're both in the same industry, they probably wanna catch up and have a good laugh. That and I should learn to trust people and have some faith in humanity

Because NOT everyone is a cheating scumbag.

So after dinner, Mary walked me to my car and I hit the highway. I texted him along the way to tlet him know that I was on my way home. Then after a couple of texts, he tells me that she's bunking over tonight "friend is bunking over and busy playing games on desktop, I'm using the notebook,"

Bloody heck. Here I am, driving at 75mph on the effing highway at 10.30pm and he chooses THEN to tell me that she is bunking over????

He effing had the entire day to bloody tell me over the bajillion texts and during the phone calls but he chooses the time when I'm on my way home in the midst of darkness and the bright lights of on coming cars shining in my eyes to tell me. Bloody hell.

I couldn't reply his text. But after mulling on the drive AGAIN I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He has always been a gentleman, a respectful guy. He'll probably bunk on the couch or she'll bunk on his couch...

I was pretty pissed that the moment I got home, I didn't want to tell him that I was home. But then I didn't want him to worry, I mean I know I'm effing pissed BUT doesn't mean that I should let him worry about my safety.

Yes, I know I put myself in his shoes a shit load more than I put myself in shoes... or his in my shoes.

So I IMed him. He was on "Away" and there was no answer on his private IM account (I'm the only one on it) so I thought "Fuck that... I'm gonna go shower,"

Turns out he had texted me but I didn't hear it and only saw the text after I got out of the shower. "Bunny, are you home yet? I'm out eating btw,"

Being the pissed off girlfriend. I replied "Bunny has collapsed," (Yes that's me throwing a fit, I never make a scene because it's degrading and if he doesn't get that I'm pissed after a few times, fuck that... he can take a hike)

He replied me saying that he's very tired himself and that he's on his way home now and he'll probably collapse too.

Then he got home and IMed me

He says:
me tooo
He says:
*muah
He says:
i'm gonna collapse as well
He says:
gnite sweetie
He says:
sweet dreams

I was TOO worked up to sleep. I was wide awake but bloody tired. I kept tossing and turning. Then when I finally got to sleeping, I was woken up by the sound of a million IM alerts pinging at 5am.

He says:
hi baby bunny..
He says:
i had another weird dream
He says:
my poor friend became a victim though
He says:
haha
He says:
i got so annoyed in the dream that i made a punch, and it manifested in real life. i punched my friend in the back of the head.
He says:
i had to get up.. in fear i'll doze back off into the same dream...

He had punched her in his sleep.... HE PUNCHED HER IN HIS SLEEP. That bloody means they were fucking sleeping in the same bed! Can you even imagine how pissed I am. It was bad enough that I was bloody tired and worked up and he wakes me up at 5am to tell me that?!

He says:
anyway, will see you later this evening. yay.
He says:
take care. *muah
I say:
you woke me up
He says:
*snuggles*
He says:
sorry to have waken you
I say:
you punched her in the head?
He says:
yeah
I say:
didn't she wake up?
He says:
she did
He says:
haha
I say:
Goodness
He says:
she was like WTF?!
I say:
did you punch her hard?
He says:
yeah. stupid annoying little girls were annoying me and mocking me in my dream and i got so angry i lashed out
He says:
and i swung in real life
He says:
and whacked my friend
He says:
i think it was quite hard...
I say:
good lord.......
I say:
you're a dangerous person to sleep with
He says:
:(
He says:
i got issues.
I say:
lucky you didn't kick her off the bed or something
He says:
haha
He says:
yeah
He says:
imagine if i had that horse dream
He says:
haha

He kept going on and on about how he cocked his fist back and took a hard swing at her as if it was really funny. I mean come on... it was 5am for crying out loud. (Btw the horse dream was where he shoved a black stallion that was sleeping on his bed)

Then after he was done talking about it, he asked me how my trip was.

I say:
the moment my head touched the pillow my eyes closed
He says:
i did the same after i came home from food
He says:
plonked and zonked
I say:
what did you eat
He says:
then 3 hours later I punched my friend
He says:
haha
He says:
*doosh*
I say:
You didn't let the food digest properly
He says:
yeah
I say:
see what happens when you don’t?
He says:
thats what she said
I say:
you're not sleeping next to me
He says:
"who asked you sleep so fast after eating?!"

I had to keep my cool. Either that or I'd lash out at him like some crazed emotionally unstable woman. Which is why I never make a scene. It's not worth it. But I also think that I was partly numb from the exhaustion and lack of sleep that I couldn't be bothered to lash out at him or be taht all pissed that he was sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

He kept rambling, and I couldn't take it any more...

I say:
hun...go back to sleep
I say:
you're rambling....
He says:
yeh
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry sweets
I say:
it's okay
He says:
I'm off then.
I say:
:)
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry
He says:
But I miss you :(
I say:
it's okay
I say:
you can go on rambling if you want
He says:
We didn’t talk the whole day
He says:
:(
I say:
what do you mean we didn’t talk the whole day
I say:
We texted
He says:
haha
I say:
then you called during dinner time
He says:
ok ok
I say:
just probably not enough :P
I say:
Hahahaha
He says:
not enough
He says:
yeah
He says:
:P
He says:
ok
He says:
lets get back to sleep before the sun rises

So, I asked him to get back into bed with the girl. I couldn't care too much. What was done is done. If they were doing it then fine... they can just bloody do it again.

I know it's crazy but I know him. He wouldn't do it. But thoughts like these are the first ones that run thru your mind when a situation like that happens. I am female after all.

I didn't come this far and stick my neck out so much in this much disapproved relationship to be taken down by one setback like this.

Thing is, knowing the person that he is, he doesn't realize that what he did wasn't right. To him it was just his old friend bunking over. I mean how would he feel if I had done the same thing?

Granted that she is a very close friend and all, how would he feel if my old friend came over and bunked on the same bed as me? I know I trust him but just the thought of it is... bloody annoying.

I mean, seriously......

I sometimes seriously dislike being in a relationship because of all these stuff that I need to go through. The green eyed monster in me makes me an insanely jealous and intensely possesive person.

I am in a frame of mind where I want to scream and yell at him for being so bloody disrepectful, especially since he's the one who started telling people that we are dating.

I mean, at least have the bloody effing courtesy or decency to tell me that your friend is gonna be coming over and you guys wanna hang out and catch up and that she'll be bunking over. I don't mind. I seriously don't. Either that or just keep your bloody trap shut and never let me find out.

And throughout the entire day he kept texting me to tell me to be careful and that he misses me. Fuck. If you really did miss me, you would at least make the bloody effort to come out and see me even for a little bit.

Fuck it all, I'm ranting because I'm bloody effing pissed.

eeeksss

This is probably just me over reacting. But one of our clients gave us a M&S Hamper for the holidays and there were these Belgian Milk Chocolate Biscuits in there which I couldn't resist. In fact I cannot resist not eating a lot of M&S stuff... I blame my parents for this... :P

Anyhoo, they were taunting me "Eat me..... eat me.... I'm soooo yummy,"

The babygirl is never one to resist comfort foods.... so she opened the pack of biscuits.... lo and behold... yummy choccie biscuits....

I didn't really realize that it had stuff on it... somehow the thought of chocolate biscuits had blinded me and all I wanted to do was to stuff my face with it :P

THEN I realized... that there were these bubbly stuff on it.....


It was like mold or something.... it actually looked like eggs to me... seriously. Again as I said earlier, it's probably just me over reacting but eww.............

Everyone said "Oh no worries, it's just bubbled chocolate...." but then again... blehI ended up chucking my biscuits away...

A few days later, I received an email about bubble chocolate stuffed Oreos.... and ewww..... it was like something got in there... and laid eggs in it.... *gag*

Chiam See No 22

"No. 22 is moderately a good one. Whatever business you are going to do should not be too big at the beginning. Do not go ahead of other people but go behind them and do not imitate other's luxuries, then you will get no harm. Think and consult before you do any business. Do not be anxious to become rich at the beginning, otherwise you will lose something. Do your work steadily but wisely, then you will reach your aimed destination easily. In case of sickness you should not worry, it will do no harm, but in case of prosecution you seem to be the loser. You will meet a person whom you always think about in a short time. Your luck in other things is quite good."

Well slightly better than the earlier Chiam See but still not the best. I think I like it this way. Wouldn't want to get a bad Chiam See but I wouldn't want something that all great too... cuz I believe if things go on too well... shit will hit the ceiling sooner or later... of if things are moderate... then there won't be any shit to hit the ceiling :)

the power of hydration

The power of hydration.... mom grows a Jasmine bush in the back garden and every now and then she'll pick a couple of blossoms/buds to put on the altar.... this time we decided to experiment with the jello bead stuff that she bought.... so I put one bud in....

and within less than 30 mins.... voila! From a bud to a blossom!

See peeps... water is good for you! Drink up!

my pretty pedicure

Had a girly day with me mom and aunt. Went for a manicure and pedicure sesh...
then off to shoe shopping.... unfortunately I didn't get any shoes... but who cares... I've got pretty toe nails :)

Lucky

Heard this on the radio the other day and I couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy listening to the lyrics of the chorus....

I can't even imagine the joy of being able to fall in love with my best friend (well also coincidentally my best friends are female and that would be plain weird but then you know what I mean...).

Falling in love is such an euphoric experience... and to be able to fall in love with your best friend, I feel would be something that is beyond words.... something that you cannot describe.... something that lifts you so high up that you feel invincible...

For the past 7-8 years, I believed that I had fallen in love with my best friend... or at least someone that I considered to be my best friend... but time has taken a toll... and the cloud of denial has finally been lifted.... he was my best friend, but I wasn't his... he was never mine to begin with but I kept wanting to believe that we were meant to be...

I wish one day... I can be lucky :)

Lucky - Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

the big bad burger part II

No, I haven't gone around to actually making it yet.... I'm having second thoughts... how am I gonna finish it? How full will I feel? What will I have to do to avoid falling asleep or feeling like I'm about to explode after that?

I was contemplating if I should actually buy 2 burgers and make it into a Quad or go really healthy and make my own beef patties and stuff like that.......... decisions decisions.....

Bleh.... I guess bacon's appeal has its limitations....

the big bad burger

I remember reading this on www.ninemsn.com.au earlier and I have to say... I have a weak spot for bacon. I really do. And with all the bad publicity that's being done on this burger, it's only generating more curiosity and interest into actually TRYING the burger to see how 'bad' it really is.

It all makes me wonder if it is just a marketing strategy. You know like tempting you with something that's really bad but you know you want it. I'm pretty sure it'll taste awesome, I mean come on! We're talking about 4 layers of beef patty, bacon and cheese in a bun! How bad tasting can it get???

I know I want it. Talked to a friend about it and one weekend, we are going to recreate the burger. No we're not going to make it from scratch. We'll just buy regular burgers and get some bacon and cheese to make up for what Hungry Jacks doesn't sell in Malaysia.

Rush on for massive 'bad burger'

14:00 AEST Wed Sep 3 2008

7 days 19 hours 30 minutes ago

Hungry Jack's Quad Burger has an astounding 1000 calories.

By Phil Han, ninemsn

A cross section of what awaits anyone who tries the Quad Burger.

---

Negative publicity from health experts about a "monstrous" four-patty burger has apparently only fuelled demand for the 4520Kj snack, which has gone on sale in Australia this week.

"I thought I would give it a try – after reading about how many calories and how much fat it had in it," one man told ninemsn as he stood in a fast-food queue.

INSIDE LOOK: What it was really like trying to eat the Quad Burger

Health experts have roundly criticised the new Quad Burger from Hungry Jacks, which comes with four beef patties, four slices of cheese, two rashers of bacon, barbecue sauce, and two buns. It has no lettuce or vegetables.

The burger has more than 70g of fat and over 4520Kj (1000 calories) – half the daily recommended calorie intake for a woman and nearly one-third for a man.

"That's just not right man, that's quite a lot and it's just real fat," Ed Whitlam, senior fitness coach at Living Well Health Club told ninemsn.

"1,000 calories is huge, it's massive," he said.

"As an example, an athletic person would need to run at a fast pace for four hours to burn off the calories".

Health experts warn that eating even one of the burgers could have immediate health effects.

"You would feel lethargic, you wouldn't sleep well, it'll stay in your gut because it's just too much for your system to handle," Mr Whitlam said.

"It'll just clog you up and you'll feel bloated and it would completely disturb your entire digestive system."

The Cancer Council says it is appalled by the decision to sell the hamburger.

"Given that Australia is currently battling with a rising tide of overweight people and obesity, it is irresponsible and disturbing for Hungry Jacks to promote such an unhealthy burger", a Cancer Council spokesperson told ninemsn.

The burger sells for $5.95 and has just started being promoted on television.

In addition to its high fat and sugar levels, the burger has more than 1,900 milligrams of sodium.

working things out

I have been on an emotional roller coaster (as most of you would have read in my earlier blogs) and every time I wanted to talk to Andy, the timing was never right.

Len and Jasmine kept telling me that "If you don't say anything now, you'll never do it. You're a procrastinator and you let him get his way too often. Say it now or never," They were right. I AM a procrastinator and I always let him get his way. I put him and his needs before mine all the time.

It was Thursday (my time) and I knew that he would be coming back to Denver from Boston on Thursday (his time, which would mean Friday morning my time). I dreaded Friday morning. In fact I dreaded Friday itself. I knew if I didn't talk to him, I would explode sooner or later. I knew if I talked to him, I would also explode. Either way I was gonna blow up :P

I woke up on Friday morning only to see an orange thing blinking on my screen. I wondered who IMed me at that time. I took my glasses off my side table to see who it was. *blink blink* it was him. Almost immediately I sat up and clicked on it "I wanna see you more," was the message. Nothing more, nothing less.

What did that mean? I kept thinking as I got ready for work. My usual routine has become mind-numbingly bored but it kept me going. It was like a robotic routine programmed into my mind to get ready and to drive to work every day.

When I got to work, as usual I would place my bag in it's usual spot, log onto my work computer and then log on to my messengers and email accounts (I have four email accounts which I have to log into and check every morning, yes I'm a freak).

Then I saw that he was online. I IMed him. Welcome back, I said. He thanked me and I asked him how was his trip. It was tiring, did you get my message he asked. I smiled to myself. Maybe he's serious this time. I replied yes and placed a smiley next to it.

Then he said the words I have wanted to hear for a very long time "Lets work on this, I was in the airport and on airplanes and kind of reliving moments I had with you and I realized, I wanted more,"

I laughed. I was so relieved. At least I knew I wasn't going crazy for no reason.

The rest of the conversation had a lot of mushy details which I will spare you from. Bottom line is, we're gonna work it out.... but it will take time because it's either he's moving over or I'm moving over. We haven't worked the details out but we're exploring all the options we have.

In the mean time, I really have to save up for a ticket!!!

Chiam See No 8

I have this thing, that whenever I go to Penang to visit my grandparents, I have to go get my fortune from this spinning wheel thingie at the Chaiya Mangkalaram Buddhist Temple in Burmah Lane. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and will probably continue to doing it. I guess it's more of like a ritual thing for me.

What I love about this fortune thingie is that, the fortune reads in four languages - English, Mandarin, Malay (olden Malay to be exact) and Thai.

This time during a family reunion in Penang, as usual I visited my grandparents and had a go. This is my fortune.

"YOU who get this No 8 are however, not good for everything. Your present condition is like a big-tree receiving no wind and rain and its main roots have entirely been cut off. It is better if you are able to remove your present residence to some other place. Your property which had beenl ost can hardly be found. You have very little hope in love affairs. In case of prosecution, you will perhaps be the loser. Your aim for other things is rather poor."

Not exactly the best of all... but still... you take life as it comes and make the best out of it :)

deja vu

Had to go down to KL for work stuff today. I was dreading it the whole time because it was going to be at the Mandarin Oriental KLCC. And of course this is again about Andy.

I'm the kind of person who holds on to every little thing in a relationship that has passed and I will savor it slowly (in a way). I guess to me it's like, if I hold on to it, it will happen again. Somehow I just stop living and pause my world and make it revolve around just that bit.

I had flashbacks on the way there. I remember how I felt as I was feeling as I passed by the trees and the mountain range. I remember when I received his text telling me that he had just boarded his train and he'll see me in a couple of hours time and that he needs to shave, he's tired and he's just had the second worst hotel room. I remember bursting out in laughter and relief about that. I remember showing Len his text and she said "What's wrong with the man?"

When I got to KL, I thought, okay let's just not stop living, let's just go on. I'm only going to the hotel for a forum. I'm not going shopping. I can do this. Or so I told myself.

After the forum, I went over to Starbucks (can't live without my coffee unfortunately), which was pretty much not the best choice I made the entire day.

Up to the point where I reached the hotel all the way till I walked over to Starbucks, I was doing fine...

Until I saw KLCC park and I saw the spot where we sat down to talk and laugh and take photos like amazed tourists.

Then everything came rushing back to me.

What he said. What he wore. What he took pix of. What he wanted to do. What we looked at. What we talked about.

"Here's your mocha, miss" the barrista said which helped snap me out of my day dream. Then I walked back to the hotel because my driver was waiting for me there.

Snap snap snap out of it, I told myself. It's not like he's dead. It's not like we can't work this out, we just need to get the timing right to talk right now. That's all... you're making a mountain out of a molehill, I told myself. Which is true, I always make a mountain out of a molehill.

So I snapped out of it. Or at least I thought I did, until I saw the bus that I took home from the airport. It was right in front of us on the highway on the northbound route like us.

I hate this. I really do. I wanna move on. Unfortunately something somewhere is holding on to it. And if I hold on, I'm never gonna move on.............

flashbacks - part II

Two weeks ago, I woke up at 7-ish in the morning on a Monday with the feeling of impending doom. "He's going home today..." was the first thing that ran through my mind. I turned over to look at him. His back was facing me and I could see his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.

I closed my eyes, curled up in a ball and tried to block out reality.

These flashbacks come back to me very often. It makes it in a way harder to get on... but in a way makes me happy because I'm re-living moments with him.

"I'm on my way to Boston," was what he said to me yesterday night before I slept.
"Why are you going to Boston?"
"Business, I told you.... remember?" then it hit me, he had told me about his Boston trip earlier.
"Yeah, slipped my mind... sorry,"

So we talked for a bit more until he had to leave. Then it hit me... why is he telling me all these? Like when he reached HK or when he was in Tokyo leaving for home, he would IM me and let me know.

We've decided not to be together..... so is he updating me like this? Ahhh he confuses me so much.... bleh