how much more

are you going to keep hurting me?

do you want me to live like this?

do you want to keep lying to me?

am I supposed to hold on to a lie?

Tell me....

dreams again

I had another dream... this time instead of that bitch, there are two of his ex-es in it....

We were at this party... and we got separated for a bit.... when I found him, he were canoodling Shirley....hugging her from the back, like how he nuzzles me always....

I was mortified..... I just froze and stared not knowing what to do... then he looked up and saw me standing there.

He immediately let go came over and told me 'it's just a congratulatory hug,' but his face told me that he was just trying to pacify me and calm me down....

Later, I went to the toilet and when I came back, he was doing the same thing... but this time with another ex, Grace...

I flipped out and screamed at him... then i stormed off....

He ran after me... but instead of pulling me back, he screamed

"This what I are and there's nothing you can do to stop it!"

Then he caught up with me and yanked me by the arm and said that if it pisses me off that much then fine it's over... then you let go off my arm roughly and walked off

You didn't care...

You didn't see that the push made me fall down...

You just went back to the party and laughed and talked as though nothing happened...

I sat there for a bit and then picked myself up. I met some friends there and they both told me to just chill and hang out.... have fun at the party....

After a bit you came back, it was like you had bipolar or something. You acted as though nothing had happened. Like we didn't fight at all.... but you were injured.... you had a huge gash on your right leg but you made it look like it didn't hurt at all, joking around ... then I woke up

So I checked what the dream meant... and apparently to dream of your partner's ex... suggests that I may be comparing myself to that person and the dream is telling me not to make the same mistakes in the relationship that they did

To dream that you are arguing, suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life. Consider the symbolism of whom you are arguing with and what you are arguing about. How does he or she reflect some person or some aspect of yourself in your waking life?

Nightmares again

Had some more nightmares.... this was a really long one though....

But it is just so BLOODY annoying because how do you expect me to honor my end of the promise if I keep getting vibes from you?

I'm having the same dreams again and again and again

And it's not that I don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt... it's just that once bitten twice shy. You've allowed me to be bitten twice...

I can let go of the first 'mistake' but not the second one.

Where you knew it wasn't something you should've done and yet you did it. When you knew it would hurt me and our relationship and yet you went ahead with it.

I'm trying to learn to trust you. I really am. But I cannot do it if you cannot assure me that there is nothing to worry about...

So until you really can show me you are honoring your end of the promise... I cannot show you that I am.

We live on a two-way street. Deal with it.

We'll both throw this out the window

She IM-ed him again. While I was there. So I replied instead of him, with his permission of course and after a bit, she said "Eiihhh menyampah!" and went offline.

I was still pissed. He told me "Baby calm down, it's okay...." so I mustered up all my courage and asked if he wants to know what I want to do because I am so effing pissed right now. He said show me.

I did.

I clicked on her name. Clicked on "Recent Conversations" and saw one convo in the trash. Clicked on it and it was the one where he asked her to come over. He gave her the address. He gave her the directions.

I screamed bloody murder.

Unfair. Yes. This happened before we both said that we'll let it go. But I just had to prove my point. I knew something was happening and I knew something wasn't right but I had no proof. Now I did. And it hurt. Makes me wonder if I was better off not knowing. He kept apologizing. Not that it mattered any more now. The trust is gone.

Either way, glass is shattered. We're both picking up the pieces. Milk has been spilt.

He will tell her to stop because this is affecting his relationship with his girlfriend. He said it's okay I can make new contacts.

I will drop it and never talk about it again.

As I said earlier, I'll hold on to his words for now. Hun I'm sorry, but until I actually feel comfortable, I cannot trust you completely any more. I need you to show me the conversation you've had with her telling her off, because we BOTH came to a compromise. If you cannot show me that you are honoring your word, I cannot show you that I am.

You've done this twice. Threat or no threat, hate or not hate, but this is the last straw.

One more time of twisting my arm and it's over. I don't care if you die, or you OD or you get run down by a car... I don't care. Because you didn't care enough about me....

Requiscat in pace

My uncle just passed away this morning after a brave and courageous long fight with cancer.

I’m feeling neither here nor there.

I’m partly content because now he doesn’t have to suffer any more. But I’m feeling very heartbroken because I have lost a great person in my life.

He was the uncle that I was closest with growing up. We lived one street away and my cousins were around my age. He was always there watching me grow up and I have always had him in my life.

He was my Kau Fu (that’s Cantonese for mother’s older brother) and I was his Chue Poh (lit. Pig woman. It is a term of endearment he used to call me because I was terribly chubby as a child and it stuck on till now. Most people say it’s offensive to have someone call you that, but I don’t care. That’s between me and my Kau Fu). He was the one I looked forward to hanging out with... he was the one who took me on holidays... he was the one who was always there to defend me when mom wanted to reprimand me... he was always there for me.

There came a point in life where I was growing up and drifted apart from the family. I felt that no one really understood me. But then again not that I really sought them out to do so anyways. I felt that it didn’t matter.

When I first heard the news about his cancer, I seemed unconcerned. It was rather surreal to me. It was only until I saw him during a recent trip. He had aged terribly, looked frail, but was still kept a steady and brave front.

The news this morning didn’t really shatter me as much as I thought it would. In a way, we all knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of sooner or later, unfortunately.

I cried when I broke the news to mom.

He really did mean a lot to the both of us. He was her partner in crime and over protective brother growing up. He was also her solace during her tumultuous years. He was a father figure and a devoted uncle to me.

Kau Fu... I applaud and am greatly proud of your fight. It must have taken so much out of you and I am sorry I couldn’t be of any more help. I know I have never said this but I do appreciate all you have done for me. I love you and I will miss you terribly. More than I can ever express.

Rest in peace....

Setting my expectations straight

As usual, on monthly anniversaries, he doesn't mention anything. Not even a special bear hug or anything. Me on the other hand, used to wake him up and snuggle down and wish him Happy xx Month.

It's a big deal for me. Yeah I know, sue me why don't you. But things like these matter to me because it's a sign of how far we've come.

Truthfully... these signs never fail to amaze me. I'm sure you would've noticed after reading my blog again and again.

The last two months, I didn't mention anything, and he didn't. Instead I made sure we have like a special cooked meal or we do something that we don't normally do. But I stopped mentioning. Just to see his reaction. Just as I thought - nada... zilch...

This time around - 10 months. I didn't say anything either. Neither did he. I was annoyed. To me (and I would guess most females) it's like 'Do you not care? Do you not remember???'

I'm not asking for the whole flowers, chocolate, romantic dinner shindig. I'm asking for a bit of recognition that you are glad that I am in your life because I sure as hell am glad that I have you in my life. That's all. Of course if the whole shindig thing comes up that'll be great but then again it's a monthly thing, I don't expect it, I am female after all.

So I threw a mini fit when I got home. He looked at me and said "Oh yeah! 10 months!" and that was it. So I continued to throw a fit - silent protest. Because let's face it, at the end of the day it's not that big a deal but I want him to know that it means something to me.

I asked a dreaded (or at least what I think was dreaded) question "Is it a guy thing or is it just a you thing that you don't remember?"

"It's not that I don't remember. It's just that I don't count by the months, it's so high school, hun..."

"So you count by years?"

"Yeah,"

Which is a bit odd because we haven't even gotten to a year and he's planning in the long run? But then again it's a good thing that he's planning in the long run.

So I had to set MY expectations straight.

"So you're saying, days and months... you don't do that any more... it's years now....? Because I need to set my own expectations straight. I don't want to have to constantly hope for something that's not going to happen..."

So we set some ground rules. It's the years that count. Not the days or the months. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just not his style. Just like doing hundred-day counts and monthly things, it'll just be my own thing.

At least now I know not to be pissed when he doesn't seem to remember.

But you know what... I had just realized something that I've always known since the beginning of our relationship - I don't care about it all as long as we're together... and right now, he's driving home because Biggie (our Volvo) is due for servicing and needs some stuff checked up as well... all that stuff that I mentioned earlier (which I should mention, I wrote earlier on today as a draft) pales in comparison to what I feel right now.

It's odd. He'll only be gone for two days.

Yet I feel so lost without him here.

I feel so alone...

Honey... come home quick :'( I miss you

my strong man :)

Puppy's been having a bit of car trouble lately... nothing seems to go right... and one morning we discover that the rear right tyre was completely flat...



So we had to change the tyre... well HE had to change the tyre. I just made myself helpful whenever possible.

And I learnt that you can't just screw the tyre back in... because there's a way to do it to stabilize it

Eeee my puppy's so smart :)

Breakdown

I am such a wreck. I've been crying so much since he left that my eyes are swollen. I miss Andy :(

On the way home from KLIA, the scene right before we parted kept playing in my mind. Then Mag called, and I called Len to tell her that I was on my way back and tears kept flowing because I was always reminded of the way he held me in his arms right before we parted.

Mornings are tough. I woke up yesterday and I cried. I cried because I didn't wake up next to him anymore.

I cried because I couldn't hear his constant breathing.

I cried because there was no smell of him next to me.

I cried because there was no more Andy.

Nights are tough too. Right before I slept, I looked around and I was in my own bed. I wasn't going to have to climb in under the sheets while he's still watching telly, turn off the little light on the side dresser, or move over to kiss him goodnight and drift off to sleep in his arms.

I was alone on my bed.

Even music makes me burst. I was driving out for lunch with Len yesterday and a song came on the radio and I burst out crying.....

This morning, I dreamt a little bit of him and I woke up to reality in my own room. No Andy next to me. Reality bites.... it really jumps up and bites you hard in the butt.

My heart feels.... like it's in pieces and scattered all over.

I think I'm having a break down but I'm trying not to let it get to me.....

Mariah Carey ft Bone Thugs and Harmony - Breakdown

(Layzie Bone)
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over, over
Don't break down yet it's over

(Krayzie Bone)
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down

[Mariah Carey]
You called yesterday
To basically say
That you care for me but
That you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be
Feeling similarly
And led you to believe
I was ok to just walk away from the
One thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

[Chorus: sung by Mariah Carey; Krayzie Bone singing 1 in background]
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

[Mariah Carey]
So what do you do when
Somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
(Krayzie Bone in background: Gotta get control and roll roll roll on)
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave this way
Do you hold in vain
As they just slip away

[Chorus]

[Wish Bone]
Gonna break you down, down, down, only if you let it (Don't let it)
Everyday crazy situations rocking my mind trying to break me down
But I won't let it forget it
If you feel the same way that I do
Then let me hear y'all all sing too
Sing, it's al-right, it's alright, it's alright yeah
Hoping for the sun, but it looks like rain
B-O-N-E, but it's still the same
Came this far, but it's been a long road
Troubles gonna come but we gotta stay strong, hold on, on

[Krayzie Bone]
Aw, yeah, I often feel the pressures, y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here, here
I said it's over. It's ending here, here
So I'll be on my way
And maybe we can meet up in the future one day
But for now I'm bailing, bailing
Bailing! baby gotta get up, can't take no more
I'm headed for the door
Come and take a look into this humble eye
Tell me if we lived a lie
Would our souls unite

[Layzie Bone]
Every new day is a test for me
So I just pray to the Lord for him to bless me, please
There's struggles I'm going through lately
Breaks me down, set me free
Let me be, let me be
Who else do we have to rely on
Whose shoulder can a thug go cry on
Came to get my vibe on
While you look into my eyes
Won't underestimate this soldier story
Imma tell you right now Imma stand up
Wrong if I let my lead bust
Pac said keep your head up
Don't let this world get the best of you
All my struggles, I'm through
If it's over, over, over
Don't breakdown yet it's over

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)
Cry, cry (Break break down)
Cry, cry (Steady breaking me on down)