anti-Kryptonite?

I'm beginning to think that he might be my anti-Kryptonite. Bizarre isn't it? When he's around, I'm always up for anything, and we spend hours together till the wee hours of the morning and continue the next day after we wake up.

The moment he goes back, I start falling ill and keep getting all sorts of weirdness. It's probably just my body catching up with all the sleep and rest that I'm missing with all the excitement when he's around :P

Without him around... I kind of feel... less energetic... less enthusiasm... like there's kryptonite...

I don't know if he's coming back this weekend or not. I know he's a tad busy cuz it's end of the term for him (yes, he's still studying and no, he's not under aged or my toyboy) and he's probably got a million things on his mind. He's got a presentation today and an assignment submission next week... and his finals are on the following week...

I know for sure he'll be back the following week because there's this thing we're attending on a Friday night and because it's his birthday weekend.

I'm having a headache trying to figure out what to get him for his birthday. We haven't been dating long enough for me to know exactly what is a great pressie to get him. But I know I have to get him something.

I can't get him a tee - unless it's a really nice tee cuz I just bought his kid brother a tee for his b'day last weekend... arrghhhh

working out my own demons

A door closes and another opens. I have learned to let go of what I held on to for the past 7-8 years. I know that there's no point and that I'm only making life miserable for myself, which I seriously do not want, at all. I'm learning to take control of my life now.

I have recently met someone else. Initially I was wary of the relationship because I was afraid that I was on rebound. Things were going superb and it's amazing how our lives crossed paths so many times (we're from the same home town) and that we had the same pool of common friends. We have heard of each other but somehow was never formally introduced to each other.

Anyways, I felt emotions that I haven't felt in ages and I love being around him. It's been going on since early September and it's almost November now.

By late September he had already told me that he loves me. Which took me back quite a bit. I didn't think it was possible. And to think of all the cheating scumbags I've met and bumped into, can you blame me for being wary? Come to think of it, it was a very romantic moment. We had JUST had our first kiss and he's looking me in the eye.... then he gently pushes my hair back and slips it neatly behind my ear and then he looks at me again. Eyes are filled with intensity. I actually had to look away.

"Claire...?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you..."
*short silence*
"No you don't...." in disbelief
"Yes... I do..."
"No. You don't...." I insisted.
"Yes. I do...."

I cannot believe... that the first time someone tells me with full sincerity and truth, the three magical words and I shoot him down by doubting the verity of it.

Maybe I'm having commitment issues. I need to work it out. But I do know that I care for him very much and I am in the best of moods whenever I'm with him. Even if I've had the crummiest day of my life earlier.

Then again it's like that game... you know where you're standing with your back facing your friend and you need to just lean back and fall into that person's arms? Deep down I know, he will be there for me and he won't let me fall. But it's just myself doubting it.

I'm learning. Falling in love is like that metaphor for me. I need to be able to trust both him and me before I let go. Wait for me. I will let go and lean back to fall in your arms. I just need to work out my own issues. I promise you I will.

And I haven't said this to you yet, but lately I have been feeling it rather strongly... I love you too

Let it slide

He came back last night and we had our normal routine – snuggling up on the couch and watching movies. Then he said that he should leave because he has to wake up early and he didn’t get a good night’s rest the night before (as if I needed any more reminders!)

He had laid his head to rest on my chest and my cheek was resting on his forehead then I said “Hun… can I tell you something that’s been bugging me?” then he held me closer, nodded and said “Sure… go ahead,”

“Hun… I’m very glad that you were honest enough with me to tell me what went on and all that stuff… but I have to tell you that it really bugs me to know that you were in bed with someone else…”

*moment of silence* “Baby, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay… it’s just that it bugs me and I wanted to tell you cuz I don’t like keeping things like these in,” and then I kissed him on the forehead.

“Baby I’m so sorry…. She’s just an old friend… and nothing happened,”

“I know nothing happened… it’s just that the thought of it….” Then I shuddered to show my discomfort.

He looked up at me and I had my upset/disappointed/sad face... then he had the saddest face on earth then he looks at me in the eye and said “I’m sorry… I didn’t know it would bug you,” and he held me tight.

I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m easy but then again, knowing him…. He’s VERY stupid in that way… as in, he doesn’t really put himself in others shoes and as long as he knows that he’s not doing anything wrong then it’s fine by him.

But I had some advice from a friend. Curb the green eyed monster.

I'll let it slide this time... I can't hold on to things like these. It's not worth holding on anyways. I care about him too much to create a fuss over this. As I said, I haven't come this far and stuck my neck out on this much disapproved relationship to let this set us back.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel content.

And I don't intend to let it go away....

effing pissed

Before I actually go on with the story... these are some random thoughts going on in my mind. Granted that it's mainly about him. Yes, YOU.

Andy and I, finito. I give up. With the whole "I wanna work things out," and all that effing nonsense, I have had enough of it. I've had it for eight bloody years and you know what, if it didn't work out then it's not going to work out now and frankly, I can't take it any more. Who am I trying to kid?

Then when a door closes, another opens. I know it's corny but it does happen.

I am now in a very new relationship and I am utterly happy being with him. He is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met on earth and being with him is just.... makes me speechless. We've been together for almost a month now and I'm telling you, time flies when you're having fun.

He's currently back in university studying sound and music production.

Unfortunately for him, I am effing pissed at him right now. Why you ask? Because of something he did which was incredibly disrespectful.

Call me sensitive or whatever it is... read on and tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

So this is what happened.

Last Sunday before he left for KL, he told me that he would drive me for my interview on Thursday and that we'll meet up at Maria's for lunch. After that we could go traipsing around at the mall.

Then on Monday when he's back in KL... all of a sudden he goes berserk because he JUST got a reminder that he has to pick up a friend from the airport who by the way will be flying in from overseas ON Thursday itself. Coincidence. Oh well, so I graciously told him to go ahead with his plans since he had committed to it much earlier anyways. Besides, I totally understand. Also I wouldn't want him to interfere with my life with my friends anyways.

Halfway thru our conversation, he tells me that she's a producer of a show on a music channel... then the green eyed monster hit me saying "Oooh his friend is a she..."

Few weeks before, he had mentioned that he has a friend who is producer and that the friend was interested in using one of his compositions for the music in one of the many programs. So I thought, okay.... shouldn't be anything to worry about.

After that he kept going ON and on about how sorry he is and how sad he is that I'll be doing this by myself and all that nonsense. Then he's all like "Oh I shouldn't have committed to my friend, oh I wish I didn't..." and I wasn't in the mood to bother. I had a job interview to prep for. So I told him it's fine, don't worry about it and that I'll give him a call after and we'll catch up if he's free.

So my interview ended at 6.30pm and I had already called Mary because I really wanted to meet up with her for dinner. We made plans to meet up at 1U at 7.30pm if there's no jam because it was after office hours and if there was one, most likely I'll be stuck in it. If there was a jam, I was to call her and cancel our dinner plans because I didn't want to get home too late at night.

Then I texted him telling him that I'm done and I'm on my way to meet up with Mary if there's no jam. He replies "Sorry sweetheart but I'm a bit tied up here... I guess I'll just have to catch you when I get home tomorrow :("

Eff that.... heck I wanted to meet Mary more than I wanted to meet up with him anyways.

Surprisingly there was NO jam at all and I reached 1U at 7pm, so I did a spot of shopping while waiting for Mary.

When she turned up, the teasing started. He had good timing, because the moment Mary got into teasing, he chose that moment to call me.

So Mary and I got to talking about why he wasn't around and she asked "So? She's a producer big deal... can't we all meet her and have dinner together? What's the big deal?"

That thought had been running through my mind the entire day. What was the big deal? Why couldn't we all hang out.

And I'm like "Yeah, I don't get him. I don't mind that he's made earlier plans with his friends but my point is that, I'm effing here and I deliberately chose the day where he has no classes AND I'm literally 15 mins away. Why can't he just bloody come out to have dinner?"

The conversation went on and on. I rationnalize and gave him the benefit of the doubt - she IS his college friend and they're both in the same industry, they probably wanna catch up and have a good laugh. That and I should learn to trust people and have some faith in humanity

Because NOT everyone is a cheating scumbag.

So after dinner, Mary walked me to my car and I hit the highway. I texted him along the way to tlet him know that I was on my way home. Then after a couple of texts, he tells me that she's bunking over tonight "friend is bunking over and busy playing games on desktop, I'm using the notebook,"

Bloody heck. Here I am, driving at 75mph on the effing highway at 10.30pm and he chooses THEN to tell me that she is bunking over????

He effing had the entire day to bloody tell me over the bajillion texts and during the phone calls but he chooses the time when I'm on my way home in the midst of darkness and the bright lights of on coming cars shining in my eyes to tell me. Bloody hell.

I couldn't reply his text. But after mulling on the drive AGAIN I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He has always been a gentleman, a respectful guy. He'll probably bunk on the couch or she'll bunk on his couch...

I was pretty pissed that the moment I got home, I didn't want to tell him that I was home. But then I didn't want him to worry, I mean I know I'm effing pissed BUT doesn't mean that I should let him worry about my safety.

Yes, I know I put myself in his shoes a shit load more than I put myself in shoes... or his in my shoes.

So I IMed him. He was on "Away" and there was no answer on his private IM account (I'm the only one on it) so I thought "Fuck that... I'm gonna go shower,"

Turns out he had texted me but I didn't hear it and only saw the text after I got out of the shower. "Bunny, are you home yet? I'm out eating btw,"

Being the pissed off girlfriend. I replied "Bunny has collapsed," (Yes that's me throwing a fit, I never make a scene because it's degrading and if he doesn't get that I'm pissed after a few times, fuck that... he can take a hike)

He replied me saying that he's very tired himself and that he's on his way home now and he'll probably collapse too.

Then he got home and IMed me

He says:
me tooo
He says:
*muah
He says:
i'm gonna collapse as well
He says:
gnite sweetie
He says:
sweet dreams

I was TOO worked up to sleep. I was wide awake but bloody tired. I kept tossing and turning. Then when I finally got to sleeping, I was woken up by the sound of a million IM alerts pinging at 5am.

He says:
hi baby bunny..
He says:
i had another weird dream
He says:
my poor friend became a victim though
He says:
haha
He says:
i got so annoyed in the dream that i made a punch, and it manifested in real life. i punched my friend in the back of the head.
He says:
i had to get up.. in fear i'll doze back off into the same dream...

He had punched her in his sleep.... HE PUNCHED HER IN HIS SLEEP. That bloody means they were fucking sleeping in the same bed! Can you even imagine how pissed I am. It was bad enough that I was bloody tired and worked up and he wakes me up at 5am to tell me that?!

He says:
anyway, will see you later this evening. yay.
He says:
take care. *muah
I say:
you woke me up
He says:
*snuggles*
He says:
sorry to have waken you
I say:
you punched her in the head?
He says:
yeah
I say:
didn't she wake up?
He says:
she did
He says:
haha
I say:
Goodness
He says:
she was like WTF?!
I say:
did you punch her hard?
He says:
yeah. stupid annoying little girls were annoying me and mocking me in my dream and i got so angry i lashed out
He says:
and i swung in real life
He says:
and whacked my friend
He says:
i think it was quite hard...
I say:
good lord.......
I say:
you're a dangerous person to sleep with
He says:
:(
He says:
i got issues.
I say:
lucky you didn't kick her off the bed or something
He says:
haha
He says:
yeah
He says:
imagine if i had that horse dream
He says:
haha

He kept going on and on about how he cocked his fist back and took a hard swing at her as if it was really funny. I mean come on... it was 5am for crying out loud. (Btw the horse dream was where he shoved a black stallion that was sleeping on his bed)

Then after he was done talking about it, he asked me how my trip was.

I say:
the moment my head touched the pillow my eyes closed
He says:
i did the same after i came home from food
He says:
plonked and zonked
I say:
what did you eat
He says:
then 3 hours later I punched my friend
He says:
haha
He says:
*doosh*
I say:
You didn't let the food digest properly
He says:
yeah
I say:
see what happens when you don’t?
He says:
thats what she said
I say:
you're not sleeping next to me
He says:
"who asked you sleep so fast after eating?!"

I had to keep my cool. Either that or I'd lash out at him like some crazed emotionally unstable woman. Which is why I never make a scene. It's not worth it. But I also think that I was partly numb from the exhaustion and lack of sleep that I couldn't be bothered to lash out at him or be taht all pissed that he was sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

He kept rambling, and I couldn't take it any more...

I say:
hun...go back to sleep
I say:
you're rambling....
He says:
yeh
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry sweets
I say:
it's okay
He says:
I'm off then.
I say:
:)
He says:
*muah
He says:
sorry
He says:
But I miss you :(
I say:
it's okay
I say:
you can go on rambling if you want
He says:
We didn’t talk the whole day
He says:
:(
I say:
what do you mean we didn’t talk the whole day
I say:
We texted
He says:
haha
I say:
then you called during dinner time
He says:
ok ok
I say:
just probably not enough :P
I say:
Hahahaha
He says:
not enough
He says:
yeah
He says:
:P
He says:
ok
He says:
lets get back to sleep before the sun rises

So, I asked him to get back into bed with the girl. I couldn't care too much. What was done is done. If they were doing it then fine... they can just bloody do it again.

I know it's crazy but I know him. He wouldn't do it. But thoughts like these are the first ones that run thru your mind when a situation like that happens. I am female after all.

I didn't come this far and stick my neck out so much in this much disapproved relationship to be taken down by one setback like this.

Thing is, knowing the person that he is, he doesn't realize that what he did wasn't right. To him it was just his old friend bunking over. I mean how would he feel if I had done the same thing?

Granted that she is a very close friend and all, how would he feel if my old friend came over and bunked on the same bed as me? I know I trust him but just the thought of it is... bloody annoying.

I mean, seriously......

I sometimes seriously dislike being in a relationship because of all these stuff that I need to go through. The green eyed monster in me makes me an insanely jealous and intensely possesive person.

I am in a frame of mind where I want to scream and yell at him for being so bloody disrepectful, especially since he's the one who started telling people that we are dating.

I mean, at least have the bloody effing courtesy or decency to tell me that your friend is gonna be coming over and you guys wanna hang out and catch up and that she'll be bunking over. I don't mind. I seriously don't. Either that or just keep your bloody trap shut and never let me find out.

And throughout the entire day he kept texting me to tell me to be careful and that he misses me. Fuck. If you really did miss me, you would at least make the bloody effort to come out and see me even for a little bit.

Fuck it all, I'm ranting because I'm bloody effing pissed.

eeeksss

This is probably just me over reacting. But one of our clients gave us a M&S Hamper for the holidays and there were these Belgian Milk Chocolate Biscuits in there which I couldn't resist. In fact I cannot resist not eating a lot of M&S stuff... I blame my parents for this... :P

Anyhoo, they were taunting me "Eat me..... eat me.... I'm soooo yummy,"

The babygirl is never one to resist comfort foods.... so she opened the pack of biscuits.... lo and behold... yummy choccie biscuits....

I didn't really realize that it had stuff on it... somehow the thought of chocolate biscuits had blinded me and all I wanted to do was to stuff my face with it :P

THEN I realized... that there were these bubbly stuff on it.....


It was like mold or something.... it actually looked like eggs to me... seriously. Again as I said earlier, it's probably just me over reacting but eww.............

Everyone said "Oh no worries, it's just bubbled chocolate...." but then again... blehI ended up chucking my biscuits away...

A few days later, I received an email about bubble chocolate stuffed Oreos.... and ewww..... it was like something got in there... and laid eggs in it.... *gag*

Chiam See No 22

"No. 22 is moderately a good one. Whatever business you are going to do should not be too big at the beginning. Do not go ahead of other people but go behind them and do not imitate other's luxuries, then you will get no harm. Think and consult before you do any business. Do not be anxious to become rich at the beginning, otherwise you will lose something. Do your work steadily but wisely, then you will reach your aimed destination easily. In case of sickness you should not worry, it will do no harm, but in case of prosecution you seem to be the loser. You will meet a person whom you always think about in a short time. Your luck in other things is quite good."

Well slightly better than the earlier Chiam See but still not the best. I think I like it this way. Wouldn't want to get a bad Chiam See but I wouldn't want something that all great too... cuz I believe if things go on too well... shit will hit the ceiling sooner or later... of if things are moderate... then there won't be any shit to hit the ceiling :)

the power of hydration

The power of hydration.... mom grows a Jasmine bush in the back garden and every now and then she'll pick a couple of blossoms/buds to put on the altar.... this time we decided to experiment with the jello bead stuff that she bought.... so I put one bud in....

and within less than 30 mins.... voila! From a bud to a blossom!

See peeps... water is good for you! Drink up!

my pretty pedicure

Had a girly day with me mom and aunt. Went for a manicure and pedicure sesh...
then off to shoe shopping.... unfortunately I didn't get any shoes... but who cares... I've got pretty toe nails :)

Lucky

Heard this on the radio the other day and I couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy listening to the lyrics of the chorus....

I can't even imagine the joy of being able to fall in love with my best friend (well also coincidentally my best friends are female and that would be plain weird but then you know what I mean...).

Falling in love is such an euphoric experience... and to be able to fall in love with your best friend, I feel would be something that is beyond words.... something that you cannot describe.... something that lifts you so high up that you feel invincible...

For the past 7-8 years, I believed that I had fallen in love with my best friend... or at least someone that I considered to be my best friend... but time has taken a toll... and the cloud of denial has finally been lifted.... he was my best friend, but I wasn't his... he was never mine to begin with but I kept wanting to believe that we were meant to be...

I wish one day... I can be lucky :)

Lucky - Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

the big bad burger part II

No, I haven't gone around to actually making it yet.... I'm having second thoughts... how am I gonna finish it? How full will I feel? What will I have to do to avoid falling asleep or feeling like I'm about to explode after that?

I was contemplating if I should actually buy 2 burgers and make it into a Quad or go really healthy and make my own beef patties and stuff like that.......... decisions decisions.....

Bleh.... I guess bacon's appeal has its limitations....