Thank you

For not answering my texts from 10.50pm till the time I got home

For making me worried

For making me doubt when I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt

For pissing me off...

Thank you

Nightmares again

Had some more nightmares.... this was a really long one though....

But it is just so BLOODY annoying because how do you expect me to honor my end of the promise if I keep getting vibes from you?

I'm having the same dreams again and again and again

And it's not that I don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt... it's just that once bitten twice shy. You've allowed me to be bitten twice...

I can let go of the first 'mistake' but not the second one.

Where you knew it wasn't something you should've done and yet you did it. When you knew it would hurt me and our relationship and yet you went ahead with it.

I'm trying to learn to trust you. I really am. But I cannot do it if you cannot assure me that there is nothing to worry about...

So until you really can show me you are honoring your end of the promise... I cannot show you that I am.

We live on a two-way street. Deal with it.

Apa dosa ku?

Over a year ago, I went for a play on a Perakean WWII heroine - Sybil

Little did I know then, it was produced by the puppy's mother and little did I know now that the puppy would be acting in the eight-part series on local telly. He plays Han Ah Kow who is an alliance with the Kathigasus which was sent off to Singapore midway because the Japanese were suspecting him, and so Sybil changed his name to Don Juan (just in case). He comes back but is later murdered by the Japanese to get to Sybil.

Dating a celebrity is fun although it tends to get on your nerves quite a bit at times. Anyhoo, followed the puppy on set one day and it was interesting, to be in such a sleepy town and yet wonder, have we lost touch by being that dependent on modernity and technology?

Mahjong neighbors going klakkity klak... klakkity klak... klak... klak all day long

The main road of Papan town... and that's it... I'm not kidding you

Getting into position. This part is based on the Sook Ching Massacre which was also carried out here in Papan, Perak.

Pre-war buildings which are still preserved and used in the Papan folks daily lives

Setting up lightingIt took them a while to get everything set up and all, so I took a walk down an alley from the main road and saw this serene street of homes

The puppy running through his lines with the lead actress who plays Sybil

Aunty Audrey plays Marie Weaver in the series. Here she is in make up and wardrobe

Setting up for the clinic scene

Getting into character

"Cut! Great scene!" said Bernard.

Two nightmares in a night

I'm looking for a way to vent out my frustrations and to learn forgiveness and somehow it seems to be channeling through my dreams.

I had two nightmares last night and couldn't figure out why or how to deal with it. My dreams... when they are vivid and jolt me out of bed feeling exactly the same way I was feeling in the dreams usually means something. No I'm not just saying it just to sound deep and what not. But I'm saying it because it has always been that way. So much so that I have learnt to decipher my dreams to understand my inner demons.
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Nightmare #1
He was supposed to tell her to fuck off and kick her out of our lives, as promised. But instead, there was a mile long explanation... 457 lines long of Gtalk IM explaining to her why. Why the fuck would he need to explain to her why. She knows. She knows I dislike her in our lives. She knows I don't want her in our lives. She knows I am this close to enforcing a warrant that she cannot come NEAR us at all and yet she's spiteful. She wants to make me feel some pain. She wants to win.

I asked him about it and he blew up. Like he had something to hide. He screamed and scolded me in the dream. He accused me of being distrustful and not holding on to what we said we would do. I screamed back pot calling the kettle black.

I woke up in a shock. Heart pounding. Scared. Not wanting to go back to sleep in case my dream continues. I finally fell asleep after a bit because of exhaustion.

Nightmare #2
Somehow we were in another house which was our home and someone was giving up a pup for adoption. He was bloody eager to adopt the pup. I was neither here nor there. I didn't want to because I knew we didn't have the time or the space for a dog in our apartment. He was adamant. So I gave in.

Somehow or rather along the line, the puppy adoption comes with a kid. Little 3-4 year old Malay boy - Aiman. He was even more eager to adopt the child together. I told him we cannot handle it because we're both not mature enough. We don't have the financial or the physical capability to take care of the two girls, a puppy and an adopted son. He insisted. So I gave in as usual. I always give in to him because I want him to be happy. So I started to bond with the child. Then I realized he was missing. Aiman asked where was he. So I decided to look for him.

I searched high and low around the house and reached outside our room door. It was closed. I knocked. I heard him say "Baby don't come in! Don't come in!" but I went in anyways. He was there making out with someone and when I screamed bloody murder again. He screamed back. Calling me distrustful again. We had a big fight and he wanted out.
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How can I even begin to let go and trust you back after how you have hurt me? How can I honor our promise to each other when you have not?

I'm very sure he hasn't told her to fuck off yet. There will be hell to pay soon.

Dreams

I know a lot of people don't think too much of their dreams. I do. I believe dreams are something that your subconscious mind is thinking about and is probably trying to tell you.

My dreams this year have been rather prophetic... giving me epiphanies... insights that I've never noticed in real life that I never realized.

You know it's like how sometimes we keep looking at the big picture so much so that we forget about the smaller details that sometimes seem minute but are a big deal? My dreams help me fill in the smaller details so that my big picture will be alright.

The last two nights in a row I have had... dreams that have gotten me thinking. Dreams that wake me up in the middle of the night and dreams that don't make me want to go back to sleep in fear of continuing and finding out what I don't need to know.

The scary part is, 9 out of 10 dreams have materialized.

I'm actually scared to fall asleep these days because I don't want to know. I want to stay ignorant because knowing is eating me alive.

My dreams and me are going through a very Catch-22 situation right now.

Never mind. It's the end of the decade. I'm going to put all that in the past and start the year afresh.

I'm going to end the decade by binding all the bad and negative thoughts and attracting all the great ones because I know deep down it will be a great 2010! :)

We'll both throw this out the window

She IM-ed him again. While I was there. So I replied instead of him, with his permission of course and after a bit, she said "Eiihhh menyampah!" and went offline.

I was still pissed. He told me "Baby calm down, it's okay...." so I mustered up all my courage and asked if he wants to know what I want to do because I am so effing pissed right now. He said show me.

I did.

I clicked on her name. Clicked on "Recent Conversations" and saw one convo in the trash. Clicked on it and it was the one where he asked her to come over. He gave her the address. He gave her the directions.

I screamed bloody murder.

Unfair. Yes. This happened before we both said that we'll let it go. But I just had to prove my point. I knew something was happening and I knew something wasn't right but I had no proof. Now I did. And it hurt. Makes me wonder if I was better off not knowing. He kept apologizing. Not that it mattered any more now. The trust is gone.

Either way, glass is shattered. We're both picking up the pieces. Milk has been spilt.

He will tell her to stop because this is affecting his relationship with his girlfriend. He said it's okay I can make new contacts.

I will drop it and never talk about it again.

As I said earlier, I'll hold on to his words for now. Hun I'm sorry, but until I actually feel comfortable, I cannot trust you completely any more. I need you to show me the conversation you've had with her telling her off, because we BOTH came to a compromise. If you cannot show me that you are honoring your word, I cannot show you that I am.

You've done this twice. Threat or no threat, hate or not hate, but this is the last straw.

One more time of twisting my arm and it's over. I don't care if you die, or you OD or you get run down by a car... I don't care. Because you didn't care enough about me....

Lucky enough to forget

"Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget." - Meredith Grey :: The Heart of the Matter

I'm recently going through a bit of a 'matter' and we had a huge emotional falling out. I can't help but keep playing it in my mind even though I told him I will throw it out the window.

Long story cut short, it was about the same bitch again and again. Colin doesn't seem to realize that his friendship with her is jeopardizing AND threatening the relationship he has with me.

But we've both kind of come to a compromise... I will stop bringing it up and he will cut her off from his life.

Unfortunately, I have got old wounds that will take a very long time to heal and what this is doing now is rubbing salt or pouring sand into the wound. I don't want it to affect me any more than he wants it but sad to say, take it or leave it. I can't just wake up one day with no wounds. Even so, there will be scars. And I don't need any more.

I'm going to try to attract more positive things in life....

So here's to hoping, that I will be lucky enough to forget... and to have forgiveness because right now.... I have lost all faith and hope....

Granting your heart's desire

My lover's heart will feel this pin,
and his devotion I will win.
There'll be no way for him to rest nor sleep,
until he comes to me to speak.

Only when he loves me best
will he find peace, and with peace
rest

Requiscat in pace

My uncle just passed away this morning after a brave and courageous long fight with cancer.

I’m feeling neither here nor there.

I’m partly content because now he doesn’t have to suffer any more. But I’m feeling very heartbroken because I have lost a great person in my life.

He was the uncle that I was closest with growing up. We lived one street away and my cousins were around my age. He was always there watching me grow up and I have always had him in my life.

He was my Kau Fu (that’s Cantonese for mother’s older brother) and I was his Chue Poh (lit. Pig woman. It is a term of endearment he used to call me because I was terribly chubby as a child and it stuck on till now. Most people say it’s offensive to have someone call you that, but I don’t care. That’s between me and my Kau Fu). He was the one I looked forward to hanging out with... he was the one who took me on holidays... he was the one who was always there to defend me when mom wanted to reprimand me... he was always there for me.

There came a point in life where I was growing up and drifted apart from the family. I felt that no one really understood me. But then again not that I really sought them out to do so anyways. I felt that it didn’t matter.

When I first heard the news about his cancer, I seemed unconcerned. It was rather surreal to me. It was only until I saw him during a recent trip. He had aged terribly, looked frail, but was still kept a steady and brave front.

The news this morning didn’t really shatter me as much as I thought it would. In a way, we all knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of sooner or later, unfortunately.

I cried when I broke the news to mom.

He really did mean a lot to the both of us. He was her partner in crime and over protective brother growing up. He was also her solace during her tumultuous years. He was a father figure and a devoted uncle to me.

Kau Fu... I applaud and am greatly proud of your fight. It must have taken so much out of you and I am sorry I couldn’t be of any more help. I know I have never said this but I do appreciate all you have done for me. I love you and I will miss you terribly. More than I can ever express.

Rest in peace....

We reap what we sow

Stories of infidelity splash the headlines in a frenzied fury these days. It is newspapers, gossip tabloids, entertainment channels and everything and everywhere.

It is very sad to see such things happen in our society. I am a firm believer in the sanctity of a marriage or a relationship in this case (since I’m not married yet). There is never any excuse for infidelity. We are all equal in that all of us have self-control.

I have absurdly strong principles on certain/weird matters, and one of them is this.

I believe in holding on to the vows I have made for my partner, I believe in going thru thick and thin, I believe in honoring and respecting him as my partner.

Believe it or not, I hold on to it like my life depends on it.

Which reminds me, where the hell has the sanctity of a marriage gone these days? Was it JUST a ceremony? Was it so that you’ll have what it looks like – a fairytale wedding? Was that it?

Famous couples gone thru infidelity – the Beckhams, Liz Hurley & Hugh Grant, Jen & Brad... and now Tiger and Elin Woods.....

Even a local newsy highlighted cases of husbands seeking prostitutes because their wives are busy climbing the corporate ladder.

Most times I want to say, couples have no one else to blame but the both of them because in a marriage, it takes two to clap. It takes two to hold up a sacred bond. Couples should have more moral values and self control to hold up your marriage no matter what happens.

For most men (forgive me, but this is a generalization based on personal experience here) sexual gratification is a physical thing, but for women, it is emotional.

Men have insecurities and believe me when they say "It's not you, it's me,” because no matter what his partner does to make him feel like the big man he is, he still feels like that teeny little insecure little bugger inside... and so he WILL act on it to make him feel better.

But so do women.

It's not rocket science... men and women cheat because they can and want to... and trust me, most times, they want to. Which makes me wonder, for all you cheaters out there, what on earth did your partner do (not do) to make you want to cheat? Or is it really the case of ‘it’s right there...’

But seriously, if it’s right there or if this is about some sorta revenge, please... at least have the decency to choose someone hotter than your current partner. You’re supposed to progress... not digress....

A relationship is as strong or weak as the both of you are. If the both of you have entered into it for the right reasons, then it is most definitely strong enough to keep out all odds. A relationship is only threatened by adultery if those in it allow it to be.

We live in a materialistic and commercialized world where everyone is used to and demands instant gratification. We are so strung up on being able to do everything in almost an instant....

We all know that nothing is magic. Nothing happens immediately. If you want something, you have to work for it.

So I say, hold on to your damned wedding vows and honor thy partner.

Because it is true – we do reap what we sow in a marriage or in a relationship. If you give 50% your partner will give 50%.

So yeah, clean up your own mess. If you don't want to... don't create one in the first place.

Best Dance Act nominee - electro.pup!

The puppy just got nominated for Best Dance Act for the Voize Independent Music Awards 2010

Please share and show your support for local acts and vote for the electro.pup!

I know this is biased. Of course I'm biased. We're talking about my puppy!

Popularity voting for the nominees carry 30% in this awards and while 30% isn't that all much (but it ain't little either!) we're trying to get as many unique IP votes as possible.

You can vote for as many times as you wish for each category/nominee but please don't spam it.

Here's how :

1. Click on this link ---- >http://www.voize.my/awards.php

2. Best Dance Act is listed to the left... somewhere in the middle. Click on it

3. Then scroll to the bottom, you'll see a list of the nominees for the category. If you want to know more about the nominee, there's a (View) button to the right of the nominee's name. Click on it to check out their popfolio with their profile and a player.

4. Pick electro.pup and click [Vote Me]

5. Voila, your job is done :)

If you want more... here are some other links

www.myspace.com/myelectropup
www.reverbnation/electropup
www.amp.channelv.com/electropup