working out my own demons

A door closes and another opens. I have learned to let go of what I held on to for the past 7-8 years. I know that there's no point and that I'm only making life miserable for myself, which I seriously do not want, at all. I'm learning to take control of my life now.

I have recently met someone else. Initially I was wary of the relationship because I was afraid that I was on rebound. Things were going superb and it's amazing how our lives crossed paths so many times (we're from the same home town) and that we had the same pool of common friends. We have heard of each other but somehow was never formally introduced to each other.

Anyways, I felt emotions that I haven't felt in ages and I love being around him. It's been going on since early September and it's almost November now.

By late September he had already told me that he loves me. Which took me back quite a bit. I didn't think it was possible. And to think of all the cheating scumbags I've met and bumped into, can you blame me for being wary? Come to think of it, it was a very romantic moment. We had JUST had our first kiss and he's looking me in the eye.... then he gently pushes my hair back and slips it neatly behind my ear and then he looks at me again. Eyes are filled with intensity. I actually had to look away.

"Claire...?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you..."
*short silence*
"No you don't...." in disbelief
"Yes... I do..."
"No. You don't...." I insisted.
"Yes. I do...."

I cannot believe... that the first time someone tells me with full sincerity and truth, the three magical words and I shoot him down by doubting the verity of it.

Maybe I'm having commitment issues. I need to work it out. But I do know that I care for him very much and I am in the best of moods whenever I'm with him. Even if I've had the crummiest day of my life earlier.

Then again it's like that game... you know where you're standing with your back facing your friend and you need to just lean back and fall into that person's arms? Deep down I know, he will be there for me and he won't let me fall. But it's just myself doubting it.

I'm learning. Falling in love is like that metaphor for me. I need to be able to trust both him and me before I let go. Wait for me. I will let go and lean back to fall in your arms. I just need to work out my own issues. I promise you I will.

And I haven't said this to you yet, but lately I have been feeling it rather strongly... I love you too