Letting go

This is something that I have been putting off for quite a while - partly because I didn't want to do it and partly because I hate confrontations.

I've been seeing Colin for almost four months now, and during that entire time, I never made it clear to Andy that it is really over between the both of us. Yes I know, we broke up in 07 but still, we remained in contact and we wanted to work it out especially after meeting during his trip in Aug 08 but it never happened.

So I wrote him an email. I've decided not to tell him that I'm seeing Colin because it's really got nothing to do with him. This is between Claire Yukiko Ishikawa and Andrew Weldon and bringing a third party in will just be messy and bitter not to mention unfair.

I decided to do this because I remember how frustrating and heart wrenching it was to be in the dark back then when I was trying to figure out what was going wrong with our relationship. So just because he kept me in the dark doesn't mean that I should stoop to the same level and do it back for him. Not everything is tit for tat. The world doesn't work that way. And I owe it to him.

Anyways, this is what I wrote to him. Writing this letter was not easy. It is never easy to mention bad news to someone you care about. It is never easy to confront something that you have put aside for so long.

I know I've been putting this off for way too long, and I know that it was never fair of me to ignore you and leave you in the dark, it was selfish of me to do that and I'm sorry.

It's just that I cannot think straight when it involves you, you know that. I can never be the level-headed person I am when you are involved because I cared too much for you, that it has made me very emotional.

But you were always there in my life. You were my life. My best friend, my confidante, my mentor, my rock, my love... you were my everything. The worst part was that I had begun to be dependent on you for everything because you were the most important person in my life. My world revolved around you.

At one point, I believed that no matter what happens, we will be together and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. All I wanted was for you to be happy, even if it cost me my happiness. I'd rather be miserable for the rest of my life than to see you unhappy. I wanted to fight for that belief so much that I was willing to forsake everything else.

But I'm tired now. I'm tired of fighting and holding up. I need to learn to stand on my two feet.

I cannot be in a relationship with someone whom I know it will never happen. I still love you, and will always do, but I cannot hold on to this knowing that neither one of us is really that all willing to make it happen. It's not fair to you... and it's not fair to me.

When you told me that it was better for us to let go, I hated you for it because I knew you were right. I hated the fact that you didn't want to fight for it. I hated the fact that you didn't want to hold on. I hated myself because I kept blaming myself for everything that went wrong. We said let got but I kept on hanging on... maybe because I didn't want to accept the fact that it was over... maybe because I was in denial about the whole thing...

But I knew you were right on the decision. You always are. You always knew me better than I knew myself. And I hate you for that. I've attached that conversation we had on that day and everytime I read it, it seems to make more sense and at the same time it evokes very strong emotions in me, almost as if I'm reliving the conversation.

In a way, I think us letting go helped me to shed some light. If we didn't, I would still be holding on to something that may or may not happen and constantly being frustrated about it. We've spent the last few years constantly disagreeing on every other thing. And that is not how I want you to live your life and me, mine.

As I said earlier, I don't want you to be unhappy and for the past year, nothing has been happy for either one of us. I keep demanding for your attention and time when I clearly knew you didn't have time for me and that frustrated me and made me pissy at you which then in turn made you pissy. I know you don't want me to be upset but you just didn't have the time for yourself - with all the work problems and all... let alone have time to deal with a pissy me.

It's been 7 years and if it could never happen, I don't think it will ever happen. Corny and cliche as it may sound, but I think that your trip here was probably the final chapter to closing the book.

After you left, I was an emotional heap of crap and distress. I was breaking down. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything but cry and blame myself for everything that went wrong and blame myself for all the things I regretted not doing.

Letting go of you was the hardest thing I had to do, and to have to physically let go of you and walk away from you at the airport... that took a lot out of me.

I love you. I always have and always will.

But I cannot do it again. I cannot lose you twice in a lifetime. I cannot say bye and walk away from you twice in a lifetime. It's just too much pain and frustration and heartache. I refuse to do it.

I actually keep a copy of all our conversations dating back to 2000 when we first started talking on ICQ and I read them over and over again whenever I missed you.

I still harbor the hopes that we'd end up together. That we would grow old, wrinkly and white-haired together and live in a large house by ourselves with dogs in the backyard and raspberry shrubs along the side. But deep down inside I know it will never happen.

I'm going to put myself first, I am my priority. I know it's the most selfish way, but it's the easiest way for me to move on. I'm starting anew this year and slowly putting it all behind me.

You were the best thing that happened to me and God knows what kind of a person I would be if you were never in my life. And I thank you for being there for me and shaping me into the person that I am now.

I'm sorry for this and it probably sounds harsh but I will continue to not talk to you until I'm ready to do so. I need to go cold turkey on this because the temptation and emotions, the seduction is there and that is the rut I'm trying to get out of. I need to have my own life now and not be in a virtual relationship.

I'm sorry this took so long but again, I was in denial, I have always been in denial when it comes to any decision making thing which concerns you. I kept thinking that maybe we can work this out. But now I've made my decision, which is to fully support the decision you made two years ago - to let go.