Losing faith in faith?

My favorite line in life has always been "Have faith in faith, because faith has faith... in you," a line I always remember from the movie Senseless (1998). I always felt that it was true.

Who are we to give up on faith because faith always has faith in us, whether we see it or not. It's like claiming that we don't believe in God or a higher existence for this matter. Who are we to proclaim that God doesn't exist? Just because we can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Much as the atheists want to deny that they don't believe in God, I'm sure they know deep down inside that there is one... just that there's not much proof... and given no proof, the lawyer in them say that they don't believe.

Somehow or rather, I'm beginning to lose faith in men. Don't get me wrong. I love him. I care for him a lot more than I think that I do. But I just don't have faith in men any more. I'm very cautious and suspicious about every single thing they do. I'm even skeptical about the whole relationship thing. In one of my earlier posts, I found one of the notes posted about men quite true. Men are intensely loyal, but will stray because of sheer stupidity. Sad to say, I believe in that. I hate to say this, but guys can be the most loyal people in the world, but it only takes a little bit of temptation... and that's it. I'm not saying women aren't any better, but I feel that the damage that men do in this case are WAY worse than the damage women do...

Why? I've seen it happen one too many times to people around me and people that I love and people that I never thought would do such emotionally damaging actions. And it's happened to me. With someone whom I trusted, loved and cared. Someone whom I thought would never hurt me. People say, it's the people closest to you which will hurt you the most - I think that's true. It's because of the emotional ties that bind.

I'm not saying that he's hurting me or that he's a bad person but in a way, he has failed to fully give me that sense of security that I need.

I know that he loves and cares for me. But there's this gut feeling that I have which is telling me to be careful because he is indeed one of a kind. He will do things that normally other people will not do... as you might have read in an earlier post that he had shared a bed with another girl (an ex-girlfriend from his college years to be specific) while he was with me. To him, he had done nothing wrong because they're just friends. To me and quite a bit of the world, it was an outrage. Common sense tells you to NOT be in single company with someone of the opposite sex without your other half and especially NOT in a confined/private area and especially not to share a bed.

In our first month of the relationship, I had complete trust. But it was that incident that spurred the green eyed monster in me. Because of that action which I felt was disrespectful to me as a girlfriend, I had begun to suspect and doubt him when it comes to someone of the opposite sex and especially your ex girlfriends.

He has this good quality about him though. He doesn't keep it in himself for long. He forgives and forgets. That's why he's still in touch AND on good terms with all his ex girlfriends. How he does it? I don't know. He's a much bigger person than I am because I know I cannot do it, not without any emotional ties.

We've never really spoken of our past. Well, he's mentioned her once in a while, I've never mentioned Andy - at all. I don't expect him to, because what's in the past is in the past. Whatever happened back then has helped us shape us into the person that we are now and the person that we fell in love with. Plus I don't want to open a can of worms. But somehow, at the back of my head, I think it's important that we do. So that we understand the other person better. So that we will be able to trust the other person better.

Recently I've noticed this gut feeling which tells me he's back in touch with her. Because this is probably the time that he's forgiving her for the stuff that she's done to him and to let her back into her life... and I hate gut feelings. Because 10 out of 10 times you know your gut is right no matter how much you want to deny it, and the more you deny it, the harder it hits you where it hurts most.

And I hate it. I hate being jealous. I hate feeling hate. It's such a horrid feeling.

He wrote the song "Teardrops" last year in November near his birthday. When he first wrote it, he told me it's about two robots communicating and that one's a guy robot and the other's a girl robot. We were short of two months in our relationship then. I thought it was too soon for him to be writing a song about us. Then later when he was done, he named the song "Teardrops" which then hit something in my gut - I was right, it's not about us.

Two weeks ago, he told me that the original inspiration for Teardrops was a broken heart. That hit another string in my gut. Later, he told me he wanted vocals for the song and started to brainstorm for lyrics and asked me for help. That's when it became disheartening. Because he is a very emotional person. He does things based on emotions. That's how he expresses himself and Teardrops is a good example. Part of his lyrics are "I thought our love was true.... these tears I cry for you,"

I am emotional too... sometimes I think he fails to see that...

Maybe the song is a push for him to move on. Maybe he needs to get it off his chest. Maybe this is a way for him to get closure and let go.

Maybe he still misses her.

After all, he did buy a ring to propose to her even when he wasn't entirely ready to marry her but he didn't want to lose her. He thought of converting and even thought of a name for himself... and his kids names. Unfortunately for him, when he did try to propose to her, he found out that she was cheating on him - with her superior.

I know he wants to stop hating her. I know he wants to forgive her. He's tried prior to this but she wanted to hurt him. But I don't trust other women. Especially not when they're my boyfriend's ex girlfriend, and I'm sorry hun, I don't trust you around her because I don't trust her around you. She knows which buttons to push to get to you and I don't like it.

I hate to say this, I don't even trust myself around my ex boyfriends. Who am I to say that I won't cheat on you with an ex, let alone you cheat on me with an ex?

That is why I distance myself from them. That is why I distance myself from Andy completely. I do that out of respect for him as my boyfriend. I've had my heart broken by him before, and I know how much it hurts, and I don't want to inflict that pain on anyone I love and care about... and especially not my puppy. So in my case, it's better safe than sorry.

I'm sorry. But I just cannot trust myself completely to trust you when it comes to her mainly because I do not trust her at all. There probably isn't much you can do about it except to distance yourself from all of them and I know it's not fair for me to impose that on you but that is what I feel.

If you want to run back to her, give me a heads up. Because we both know how bad a broken heart can be especially one that sprouts from no trust.

It could be my paranoia. I have lost so many people in my life and I don't like for it to happen again. I know it's impossible to not have it happen because whether we like it or not, we still lose people in life. So right now what I'm doing is prevention. Because a broken heart is very hard to cure... and we both know it....

I know that we Pisceans and Scorpions flow the best together. But are we lying to ourselves? We both jumped into this relationship after having our hearts broken. Were we taking each other as a rebound so fill up the void in our lives? Or did fate and faith place us together for real?

My only love sprung from my only hate,

Too early seen unknown and known too late

Prodigious birth of love it is to me,

that I must love a loathed enemy.

- Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare

You're not a loathed enemy, hun. I did not start off hating you, but I have to admit that I was very skeptical. What Shakespeare said in Romeo and Juliet is true though. You only feel love and hate strongly because of the other. If not, you won't give a rats ass about the other person. There's a fine line between love and hate and they only exist because the other does. I only feel this much emotions because I care about you so much that it hurts.

We've lasted 5 months and 3 weeks. Time does fly and in this time I have learnt to love and care for you more than I thought I could or ever would. Time, love and patience has made you grow on me and me on you.

So please. Spare me the pain. If you love and care for me, don't make me cry any more... please help me clear this unnecessary negative feelings I am experiencing...