you have got to be kidding me...: Keeping it sane...

I finally understand the need for a routined life. Prior to this I used to wonder - why do we live like ants. Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, unwind, sleep and repeat it all over again the next day. Is it the familiarity of a routine that gives us some sense of security? Is it the that we fear society pressure? Is it the mundaness that makes the other things in life seem more interesting?

I never understood it. But gave in to it anyways. Better to go with the flow. It's not something I want to waste my energy and focus on battling the flow. Why not. Besides, it's not like it makes my life miserable.

This morning my mother called up with sad news. My dog - Benji had passed on in his sleep. He was not feeling too well earlier for the past week. Battling an infection, he had thrown up whatever he ate. As a result, he was reduced to a frail old dog. Dr Gilbert had told us that he may not make it (considering that he's already 14 human years) because of his age and that we should be prepared. Day by day mom slowly nursed him, encouraged him and coddled him, but he refused to eat.

She had called up the clinic and told Dr Gilbert what happened. He said he'll send someone over at about 9-ish.

I feel quite distraught and relieved at the same time. I'm glad that he doesn't have to suffer any more. I'm glad that he's finally at peace. I'm glad that he doesn't feel any more pain. But at the same time I miss my little brown dog so much. I've had him since I was 12.

I cried uncontrollably. Colin cradled and hushed me after I got off the phone with mom. Then my alarm rang. I just got out of bed and did my morning routine with tears creeping down my cheeks.

As I took off for work, I kissed Colin on the forehead and said as usual, "Hun, I'm going to work now..." he opened his eyes and stared at me. "Bun, are you okay?" I nodded and turned towards the door. He sat up in bed instantly, looking at me, "Bun... are you sure you're alright?" I turned my face towards him but my eyes were on the ground. "Yeah, I'm fine..." and I walked out.

I walked down to the carpark, got into my car and drove to work. As I was driving, that was when I realized, why we need routines. To keep us sane. Because we like a sense of control and being controlled. If I had no routine, I'd be a mess right now. My routine is keeping me sane. Keeping me from remembering. Keeping me from reliving memories. Keeping me in my skin. Keeping me from crying uncontrollably. Keeping me from driving all the way back home and burying my Benji Boy.

I'm fine for now. I have my routine to occupy my mind. I have work. I have other responsibilities because of society's pressure. Now that I have not much time to myself, I'm fine. I can keep things under control.

But later when I get home and I will have no routine... that's when I will break down. I'm anticipating it. In a way, I can't wait. I feel the pent up sadness waiting to come out. I feel the need to mourn for my Benji boy...

Mom just texted me. Dr Gilbert came personally to pick Benji boy up this morning at 9-ish. Bo was pissed and kept growling at him for 'taking' Benji away. Poor thing. I don't think she understands.

Benji - I love you boy :) You're the best dog anyone could ever have. Handsome, patient, giving and loving. Above all, you were the prince of my heart.

Rest Ben-ben... rest... good boy *pat*

Benjamin

1994 - 2009