I’m feeling neither here nor there.
I’m partly content because now he doesn’t have to suffer any more. But I’m feeling very heartbroken because I have lost a great person in my life.
He was the uncle that I was closest with growing up. We lived one street away and my cousins were around my age. He was always there watching me grow up and I have always had him in my life.
He was my Kau Fu (that’s Cantonese for mother’s older brother) and I was his Chue Poh (lit. Pig woman. It is a term of endearment he used to call me because I was terribly chubby as a child and it stuck on till now. Most people say it’s offensive to have someone call you that, but I don’t care. That’s between me and my Kau Fu). He was the one I looked forward to hanging out with... he was the one who took me on holidays... he was the one who was always there to defend me when mom wanted to reprimand me... he was always there for me.
There came a point in life where I was growing up and drifted apart from the family. I felt that no one really understood me. But then again not that I really sought them out to do so anyways. I felt that it didn’t matter.
When I first heard the news about his cancer, I seemed unconcerned. It was rather surreal to me. It was only until I saw him during a recent trip. He had aged terribly, looked frail, but was still kept a steady and brave front.
The news this morning didn’t really shatter me as much as I thought it would. In a way, we all knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of sooner or later, unfortunately.
I cried when I broke the news to mom.
He really did mean a lot to the both of us. He was her partner in crime and over protective brother growing up. He was also her solace during her tumultuous years. He was a father figure and a devoted uncle to me.
Kau Fu... I applaud and am greatly proud of your fight. It must have taken so much out of you and I am sorry I couldn’t be of any more help. I know I have never said this but I do appreciate all you have done for me. I love you and I will miss you terribly. More than I can ever express.
Rest in peace....
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