Chiam See No 7

"You who get this No 7 will be healthy and prosperous. Your family will be peaceful but it seems that you have some trouble at present. You can be better by giving alms to the poor. Do not be too anxious for wealth. Just like you grow trees near your house, some day these trees will yield you their fruits. Your luck in doing business is not so bad. Your properties or things previously loss will come to you again. You are quite lucky in love affairs. Any sickness in your family will recover. Your luck for other things is good."

I sure hope so....

Law of Attraction

I've heard about the Law of Attraction quite a bit. The puppy's a huge fan of it too - so much so that he's got a Wall of Desire where he pins up things that he wants so that by looking at them and reminding himself how much he wants to have them, he will attract them.

But what is the Law of Attraction?

The Law of Attraction claims to have roots in Quantum Physics, although this is dismissed by the scientific community as pseudoscience. According to proponents of this law, thoughts have an energy which attracts whatever it is the person is thinking of. In order to control this energy to one's advantage, proponents state that people must practice four things:

1. Know exactly what you want.
2. Ask the universe for it.
3. Feel, behave and know as if the object of your desire is already yours (visualize).
4. Be open to receive it and let go of (the attachment to) the outcome.

Thinking of what one does not have, they say, manifests itself in not having, while if one abides by these principles, and avoids "negative" thoughts, the universe will manifest a person's desires.

It makes me wonder now, if it’s true. As it said, thoughts have an energy to attract whatever that person is thinking of – so that means what I’ve wanted for years, might have already come true seeing that I’m attracting them over.

But there have been a few things that I have been obsessed with over the past few years. This is one of the major obsessions that I’ve been obsessed with. Deeply influenced by a drama series – Kamisama, mou sukoshi dake, I was in love with the lead male character Ishikawa Keigo, a composer.

He had the passion for music and fuelled by dark gloomy past, writes best when emotions kick in hard. He was intense and insanely creative as well as randomly unpredictable but yet an utterly sensitive soul. He had a chiselled facial bone structure with the occasional scruffy messy look (especially when creativity jumps on him) and dark features (thick brows and a mane of hair with that blonde tinge on his bangs).

Kanou Masaki + Ishikawa Keigo

Of course having that character played by Kaneshiro Takeshi helped the influence even more.

It was a Pretty Woman-ish kind of show. Very fairytale. Young eager, number 1 fan meets celebrity composer and they both fall in love and beat all odds.

The more I watched the show, the more I wanted someone like Keigo. The more I believed that I would meet someone like him and fall madly in love. The more I longed for a romance and a relationship with Keigo.

So let’s see if any of these fit into the four things that I’m supposed to practise if I want to attract Keigo to me...

1. Know exactly what you want

To tell you the truth, I don’t think I know exactly what I want – well at least not on a conscious level but from what you’ve read so far I’m sure you know that I want someone like him.

2. Ask the universe for it

How do you even start? It’s like asking God for a favor and let’s face it, omnipresent as he is, he’s got like a million of people asking him for things, wanting an Ishikawa Keigo will definitely not be on the top of his list, let alone the universe. Who am I to ask the universe for something like that?

Besides, how do you address the universe as an entity/one?

3. Feel and behave as know as if the object of your desire is already yours (visualize)

Trust me. I have done that a gajillion times. I don’t need to go into details here.

4. Be open to receive and let go of (the attachment to) the outcome.

This part I don’t really get. Of course I’d be open to receive what I’ve been dreaming of. It’s the whole letting go the attachment to the outcome which I don’t get.

Anyhoo, I am beginning to think that maybe this Law of Attraction really works on a subconscious level. It doesn’t have to be on a tangible physical level like on a “Wall of Desire” kinda thing but just on a psychological level – just in your head and your heart.

Having being obsessed about wanting to be with Ishikawa Keigo for years, I think I might have found mine.

The more I think about it the more I have been bothered by the thought that the puppy IS my Ishikawa Keigo.

He’s a music composer and an aspiring producer. He is very much fuelled by his passion and seriously writes the best stuff when he’s depressed (which explains Rebirth and Teardrops). He’s got his mood swings and can get very sensitive like every other artist. He’s randomly unpredictable as hell. He’s got his messy scruffy look most of the time since he’s working most of the time. He’s got a nice thick mane (makes me jealous) and since we’ve been together, he’s gotten a tinge of blonde bleached onto his bangs.

It’s weird isn’t it... that they’re quite similar and yet I had nothing to do with it physically.

Did I really attract him to me by wanting someone like that so badly then?

p/s : I’m just saying they look similar. Please do not tell me “Oh my god they don’t even look alike at all!!! How can do you say this!” or something similar to that effect.

Which also reminds me... this looks like a chubby version of my puppy :P

Was it a dream?

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill.

"You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.

"Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true," - Meredith Grey

Much as I don't like to - I'm having some doubts these days. I think back on my days with Andy and I wonder if cutting him off from my life completely was really such a mistake.

Thanks to the puppy with his stupid song note the sarcasm here.

Part of me wants him to finish up the song because this is his break. This song will be his break. But the inspiration behind the song - fucking annoys the life out of me.

Literally.

Now that he's getting to the lyrics, it's dawning on to me - reflections of my life. I know this song is autobiographical about a period of his life about him and his ex girlfriend and the way the lyrics are going makes me think back about my own past wrecked relationship.

We were happy. We were committed. What went wrong? All I have left now are shreds - not of hope but of despair, disappointment and knowing that there's no turning back.

A few weeks ago he got back in touch with me "I want to be with you again, will you let me? I want you to be the mother of my children,"

My heart wanted to run halfway across the world to be in his arms again and scream out 'Yes' from the top of my lungs. My head held me and my heart back - I really cannot do it all over again. Especially not with Andy. Especially not all that heartbreak.

Should I have stayed on?

Is he the one but I let go?

Are we a real life version of Ross & Rachel - that we have to go through a lot in life to only realize we're actually meant for each other?

Did I do the right thing?

Did I throw my dream away?

Has my fairytale really ended?

Was it a dream?

But either way, it was all exhausting. Loving him, hating him, living life with or without him. It's just plain exhausting and I don't know if I want to do it again.

30 Seconds to Mars - Was It A Dream?

Your defenses were on high
Your walls built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I want still stays the same
And I know what I should do
it's time to set myself on fire
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I
Your reflection I've erased
Like a thousand burned out yesterdays
Believe me when I say goodbye forever
Is for good
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves
A photograph of you and I
(A photograph of you and I)
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves
A photograph of you and I
A photograph of you and I
A photograph of you and I
IN LOVE...

Fallin' for you

Colbie Caillat - Fallin' for you

I don't know but
I think I maybe
Fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting 'til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I'm trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
Holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don't know what to do
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it
I think I'm fallin' for you [x2]

I'm fallin' for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I'm fallin' for you

The difference between girls and grown women

Some things that I'm guilty of as a girl and as a grown woman...

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
GROWN WOMEN make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
GROWN WOMEN know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls hold grudges, stay mad for 40 years, and don't get mad but get even
GROWN WOMEN confront the situation and don't get mad but get ahead

Girls envy those who move ahead and hate the players
GROWN WOMEN share their knowledge and help others move ahead by not hating the players but teaching the rules to the game.

Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
GROWN WOMEN know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'Lock' you down.

Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
GROWN WOMEN say, "Just stop", get up, get dressed and walk it out.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
GROWN WOMEN revel in it--using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
GROWN WOMEN ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you cum.
GROWN WOMEN make you come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
GROWN WOMEN know that they are pretty and/or good enough for ANY man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e. don't want him hanging with his friends).
GROWN WOMEN realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
GROWN WOMEN offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
GROWN WOMEN show him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his manhood.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
GROWN WOMEN know that, that was just ONE man.

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all the signs.
GROWN WOMEN know that sometimes the one you love doesn't always love you back and MOVE ON without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
GROWN WOMEN will read this and pass it on to other grown women

Wake up, sweetheart

There's a scene in The Devil Wears Prada that I can really relate to for work. It's right before Andy is transformed into the supervixen that no one knew was in her.

That movie reminds me of my first job very very much. Work was fine, but the environment was utterly horrid. And yes it was in a magazine as well. But after hearing what Nigel said to her, I realized that he was right. Whatever happens, our bosses are just doing their job.

Being the leaders that they are, it's not easy so you can forgive them for being always on the edge - they're ALWAYS answerable to the authorities. But for us, it's easier, we've got them as buffers to the authorities/big shots/bosses/et cetera.

Andy Sachs: She hates me, Nigel.

Nigel: And that's my problem because... Oh, wait. No, it's not my problem.

Andy Sachs: I don't know what else I can do because if I do something right, it's unacknowledged. She doesn't even say thank you. But if I do something wrong, she is vicious.

Nigel: So quit.

Andy Sachs: What?

Nigel: Quit.

Andy Sachs: Quit?

Nigel: I can get another girl to take your job in five minutes... one who really wants it.

Andy Sachs: No, I don't want to quit. That's not fair. But, I, you know, I'm just saying that I would just like a little credit... for the fact that I'm killing myself trying.

Nigel: Andy, be serious. You are not trying. You are whining. What is it that you want me to say to you, huh? Do you want me to say, "Poor you. Miranda's picking on you. Poor you. Poor Andy"? Hmm? Wake up, six. She's just doing her job.

Don't you know that you are working at the place that published some of the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it. Well, not you, obviously, but some people.

You think this is just a magazine, hmm? This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. And what's worse, you don't care. Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work.

And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day. Wake up, sweetheart.

Final Distance

I wanna be with you now....



Final Distance - Utada Hikaru
氣になるのに聞けない
泳ぎつかれて君まで無口になる

會いたいのに見えない波に押されて
また少し遠くなる

途切れないようにKeep it going,baby
同じ氣持ちじゃないならtell me
無理はしない主義でも
少しならしてみてのいいよ

I wanna be with you now
二人でdistance縮めて
今なら間に合うから
We can start over

I wanna be with you now
いつの日かdistanceも
抱きしめられるようになれるよ
We can start over
やっばりI wanna be with you now

ひとことでこんなにも傷つく君は
孤獨を教えてくれる

守れない時Keep it going,baby
約束通りじゃないけどtrust me
無理はしない主義でも
君とならしてみてもいいよ

I wanna be with you now
二人でdistance見つめて
今なら間に合うから
We can start over
言葉で傳えたい

I wanna be with you now
そのうちにdistanceも
抱きしめられるようになれるよ
We should stay together
やっばりI wanna be with you now

I wanna be with you now
Cuz I know this can`t be forever
We can start over,just you and me
I wanna be with you now
Cuz I know this can`t be forever
We should stay together,just you and me
I wanna be with you

Setting my expectations straight

As usual, on monthly anniversaries, he doesn't mention anything. Not even a special bear hug or anything. Me on the other hand, used to wake him up and snuggle down and wish him Happy xx Month.

It's a big deal for me. Yeah I know, sue me why don't you. But things like these matter to me because it's a sign of how far we've come.

Truthfully... these signs never fail to amaze me. I'm sure you would've noticed after reading my blog again and again.

The last two months, I didn't mention anything, and he didn't. Instead I made sure we have like a special cooked meal or we do something that we don't normally do. But I stopped mentioning. Just to see his reaction. Just as I thought - nada... zilch...

This time around - 10 months. I didn't say anything either. Neither did he. I was annoyed. To me (and I would guess most females) it's like 'Do you not care? Do you not remember???'

I'm not asking for the whole flowers, chocolate, romantic dinner shindig. I'm asking for a bit of recognition that you are glad that I am in your life because I sure as hell am glad that I have you in my life. That's all. Of course if the whole shindig thing comes up that'll be great but then again it's a monthly thing, I don't expect it, I am female after all.

So I threw a mini fit when I got home. He looked at me and said "Oh yeah! 10 months!" and that was it. So I continued to throw a fit - silent protest. Because let's face it, at the end of the day it's not that big a deal but I want him to know that it means something to me.

I asked a dreaded (or at least what I think was dreaded) question "Is it a guy thing or is it just a you thing that you don't remember?"

"It's not that I don't remember. It's just that I don't count by the months, it's so high school, hun..."

"So you count by years?"

"Yeah,"

Which is a bit odd because we haven't even gotten to a year and he's planning in the long run? But then again it's a good thing that he's planning in the long run.

So I had to set MY expectations straight.

"So you're saying, days and months... you don't do that any more... it's years now....? Because I need to set my own expectations straight. I don't want to have to constantly hope for something that's not going to happen..."

So we set some ground rules. It's the years that count. Not the days or the months. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just not his style. Just like doing hundred-day counts and monthly things, it'll just be my own thing.

At least now I know not to be pissed when he doesn't seem to remember.

But you know what... I had just realized something that I've always known since the beginning of our relationship - I don't care about it all as long as we're together... and right now, he's driving home because Biggie (our Volvo) is due for servicing and needs some stuff checked up as well... all that stuff that I mentioned earlier (which I should mention, I wrote earlier on today as a draft) pales in comparison to what I feel right now.

It's odd. He'll only be gone for two days.

Yet I feel so lost without him here.

I feel so alone...

Honey... come home quick :'( I miss you

10 months

Time really flies by. I know I say this a lot every time another milestone happens but it really does feel like it.

I still keep the first text he sent to me way back in early September which of course then led to us meeting... and IM-ing each other online... and video talking... not to mention the countless dates we've had...

It was just about a few days ago that I realized... ever since then we have spent our entire waking and almost all our sleeping hours together... which is amazing, well to me it is.

Few days ago we passed the 300 day mark... today we're passing the 10th month mark...

Either way... I heart you, hun :) and I want you to know, I'm in this with you....

300 days

J'aimerois beaucoup mieux que le ciel m'eut fait naitre
Sans nom et sans honneur pour vu que je pusse etre
Toujours aupres de vous

Cousins

My cousin Pin stopped by Malaysia during a layover yesterday and we went out for dinner.

I guess I can say she's one of my favorite cousins... even though she's 20 years older than me. I mean, I barely see her since she's based in Paris/Phuket/Marrakesh - like, I only see her maybe once in two years or so but when we do meet up, we can talk non stop...

She's such a vibrant, gorgeous and generous person it radiates so vividly. I do miss her especially after a visit at times. I guess in a way she's like my big sister. She's always looking out for me and she's not judgmental at all and I'm telling you, the stuff she tells me... just blows me away. She literally tells me EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.

Anyhoo, she's just had a crazy month of traveling Paris-Chicago-Pennsylvania-Chicago-Paris-Bangkok-Phuket-Bangkok-Kuala Lumpur and she's off to Bali now... and she'll drop by Shanghai to visit her sister... and then back to KL for a short layover...

That's me and my cousins during a Christmas party at my grandfather's house :)
(L-R clockwise) Pin, Lin, me, Anne and Cindy/Sandy (they're twins so I can't tell hahaha)

Do you forgive and forget?

I read an article over lunch yesterday about forgiving and forgetting. It was titled something like "Would you forgive your man if he did you wrong?"

William S Maugham once said that "A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does to her, but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account."

Many quotes that I have sourced online says we should forgive and forget because we can never recover, can never find inner peace, shows that you are the bigger person, and that it is a gift that you can give yourself.

Yes I do and no I don't. Most times I forgive people for what they have done which has hurt me, but I never forget it. Call it revengeful or petty but that's the way it is. I think that we need to remember things like these so that we don't fall into the same trap again.

First person who came to mind was Andy *sorry hun* but no, I do not forgive him and yes I have not forgotten the hurt he put me through. Have I put it behind me? Not entirely. But Andy is no longer a priority in my life.

Much as I would like to, I cannot forgive Andy for what he has done and I will not forget it. Not that it really bothers me but I know is pisses him off that I'm still mad at him.

All the things that he has put me through was good in a way. It helped to shed light. At least now I know what I want or don't want... and I can tell you for sure, much as I dreamt about the perfect relationship, wedding, marriage and life with him, I don't want it any more.

I realized it was a dream.

It was my fantasy. It was something I wanted to complete my life with. But he's not the one.

I know now.

Just the other day he emailed me asking me if I would take him back and if what he did was so bad that I am still mad at him. It was a very long two day exasperating email conversation.

Many have asked "Were you tempted to go back to him?" knowing my almost decade long history with him.

Truth is, I can't say I wasn't the least tempted to do so. But I knew, I couldn't live with him. He's just not the one. So no matter what he told me during those two days and trying to win me back during the last few months wouldn't work.

I'm not saying I don't want to forgive him. It's hard. And in a way, I don't see a point in forgiving him. He knew what he was getting into and he did it anyway.

At one point in our bizzare relationship, we never mentioned we were going to exclusive, we just assumed it was in a way. So since we never mentioned we were exclusive, I took it to the next step. I went out on a date with someone else. The consequences of the date ate me alive every time I saw Andy. So I decided to tell him.

That's when it hit rock bottom. To him - I had 'cheated' on him because I didn't even bother to tell him that I was going out with someone else even though we weren't exclusive. To me - it hurt me more to see him disappointed with me. It was then and there I learnt and understood what people meant it hurt me more to see him hurt than it was more than enough. I realized I was in love with him at that point because I couldn't bear to know that I have caused so much hurt, pain and that I have lost his trust.

That was when we decided that it would be exclusive albeit a very long distance relationship.

Six years down the road, that sneaky bastard does it, leaves a very almost invisible trail behind and denies it everytime I asked him about it. Believe me, I tried everyway to subtly ask him and NOT accuse him.

After all, he made a HUGE fuss when I did it... why can't I then? In my defense... at that time, I didn't know any better. But at the point where he did it. How could he have not known any better?

My guess is, he was giving up on us. He wanted out.

So at the end of it - out of my life he goes. That's it. You tell me whether or not I should forgive and forget.

I have to admit though. Since that, I have had major trust issues. I used to think that two people who loved and cared so much for each other would at least be honest. If someone I have been wtih day and night for 7+ years could do that, who is to say other people are not capable of doing it?
*Please be reminded, I'm not saying everyone is going to be a cheater, I'm saying everyone is capable of it, but whether they want to or not is entirely up to them.

Then I realized, being honest might scar all that love and care so much so that it will take a long time to earn it back - so why not inject a little white lie if it can save a relationship.

What you don't know won't hurt you, right?

So to end this entry, I'm going off with an excerpt from a Henry Ward Beecher quote on forgive and forget.

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive."

I am...

i am romantically naive

i am artistically inclined

i am cynically critical

i am easily entertained

i am absolutely fabulocisious

i am a small child trapped in a woman's body

i am actually blonde

i am a lover of all furry animals

i am an internet addict

i am clumsily sophisticated

i am terrified of the unknown

i am linguistically aroused

i am generally misunderstood

i am easily swayed

i am in a constant reverie of life

i am financially obscure

i am a complete crackerjack

I am an open book

i am delusional and in denial about myself

i am planning my wedding

i am procrastinator of all procrastinators

i am scared of the dark

i am obsessive and compulsive

i am fashion impaired

i am a wordsmith and a bookworm

i am contradicting

i am one of a kind

i am Claire Ishikawa Yukiko

makes me wonder

It's almost 6am right now... and I've just woken up - nightmare...

I dreamt that hun told me that this was all a dream, I need to wake up and all that we went thru was just the heat of the moment.

Yes I dreamt he broke up with me - and in a very harsh way

He had told me that it was like a reverie the whole time and yesterday night after I fell asleep he had a revelation that's when he realized that we were both lying to each other. That's why he insisted on breaking up.

I woke up in tears...

I was devastated....

I turned over to look at him and was very relieved to see him sleeping as usual...

In tears I turned over to snuggle up for comfort and assurance...

I laid my head on his chest....

And the response I received was...?

*SNORE*

Bah I give up...

Say no to plastic and RECYCLE!

I read this in the papers today [ “I bought so much and they wanted me to pay for plastic bags!” said the disgruntled shopper at Tesco Penang in Jalan Tengku Kudin here yesterday ] and it reminded me of this incident at IKEA last week when I was paying for my stuff.

This lady had bought some food from the nearby counter which was put into a paper bag. Whatever she bought, was doused with oils of some sort and it was slowly seeping through the flimsy paper bag, so she ran over to the cashier (the one where I was at) and hurriedly told the cashier "Gimme a plastic bag!". The cashier smiled and said sweetly "Ma'am, we charge RM0.20 per plastic bag," the lady gave her such a surprised look as if the girl had told her she has three heads and an octopus sticking out her arse and disgruntedly exclaimed "RM0.20 per bag? Gila! I don't want ah, so expensive!"

I've always been passionate about recycling since 2004. I bring canvas bags out shopping, in fact I always have one in the car and one in my bag. Yes I can hear you "What if you forget to bring a bag one fine day?"

Well, either I hold the stuff that I buy, OR I just don't buy - of course it depends on how much I'm buying anyways. And of course I know that if I'm going grocery shopping, I'll bring more than one canvas bag just in case. So there *pbbbbthhh*

Anyways, I'm glad that the government is enforcing the RM0.20 per plastic bag. In fact I think it's great. We take so many things for granted. Paper, plastic, glass, metal and the list goes on.

Have a conscience people... help save the earth... you live here. Don't be selfish.

What do you do when.....

Your best friend doesn't like your boyfriend?

One of my best friends (I have four) totally dislikes the fact that I'm with the puppy. She's expressed her dislike since the day we met. She's known him longer than I have, so it's rather fair because she knows what kind of person he is and I know she's just looking out for me.

But sometimes it's disheartening.

It's gotten to an even worse level. About a month ago, we were IM-ing and she told me that she doesn't want me to marry the puppy. If that means the end of our friendship so be it.

I laughed it off. Made a joke out of it. But deep down, it got me thinking. Is it really that bad that I'm dating the puppy? Is it really that bad that she had to come up with an ultimatum?

Two days ago she IMed me. She's coming back to Malaysia for a short 2-week visit. Sept 28. I told her, that day is not good for me. Why she asked. It's our first year anniversary. Lame. You are lame. She said.

By the way, when I'm in town, I don't want to hang out with him, so don't bring him out. I still can't believe you're with him AND living with him. How lame. She continued.

My other friends don't have a problem with me dating the puppy. In fact they're rather supportive of it. He's been one of the best things that happened to me, besides, we've been together for nine months already with minor issues, no major issues.

I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her in about two years already. But at the same time I'm feeling a bit apprehensive because of her attitude towards the love of my life.

Anyways... today is the 9-month anniversary. I'm proud of us. We've made it this far. I can't wait for the 10-month anniversary.

In celebration of our nine months together - I made a lamb with fusili and tomato dish... and we went to watch a movie the night before :P

Dinner and a movie hahaha

My ordeal

This is Day 10 that I am recording this down. I have been ill since June 7th, 2009 all the way to today and I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

Here’s a recap

June 7th
Woke up with a hangover and a bit of body ache. Suspected fever, hun says it’s just the hangover, nothing too much to worry about. Fell into a full on fever after a late breakfast. Slept the whole day

June 8th
Woke up. Was in no condition to go to work at all. Rolled over “Hun, drive me over to the doctor’s later?” “Mmmmm,” and he went back to sleep.

Later, we spent an hour sitting in the clinic waiting for my turn. Doc diagnosed me with a regular fever, cough with phlegm. Put me on a course of antibiotics for five days.

June 9th
Went back to work. Felt icky. But had to work anyways. Big bosses were in and were doing a presentation to some Vietnamese delegates. Had to be there *just in case*

Fever started to manifest. Felt really bad. But had to keep on going. Came home with a fever. Plopped down and collapsed into bed till the next morning.

June 10th
Felt better. Went to work feeling alright albeit a bit woozy and drugged up.

Came home. Proudly announced that I was feeling alright. Then half an hour later the fever struck again. Told hun to take me to the doc again. No way I should be having fever so many times in a row.

Doc suggested that I do a blood test but since it was too late, he said come in tmr morning if you’re still feeling bad.

June 11th
Went to work and then realized that I should just go get a blood test done. With all these pandemics and all that going on, I can’t take any risks.

Doc heard my cough and asked some questions about it. Then he sent me off for an X-Ray as well and two days of medical leave.

Went home to sleep it off.

June 12th
Still not feeling the best. But slightly better. Noticed that my fever always comes twice a day. The first time sometime around noon and the second around 8pm.

Cough and phlegm aggravates my throat and makes my fever even more consistent.

June 13th
Weekend is here but am stuck in KL. Am in no shape to travel back to Ipoh much as I’d like to. Felt a little better. Fevers seem more lighter there days. Slept the whole day.

June 14th
Felt much better. Could walk around, do stuff. Made herbal chicken soup. Since I’m not eating anything, might as well drink something nutritious. Can’t keep letting my body eat my body.

Went grocery shopping and had an early dinner at Santini. Was feeling hungry but didn’t want to over do it, so I shared a bruschetta a la funghi with hun and had a minestrone. He had the Secondi di Carne – rack of lamb. I even had no appetite for lamb. Can you imagine?

This was a lot of coughing day. Hurt my back and my shoulder blades. Have to curl up like a foetus to cough else it hurts my entire body

June 15th
Went back to work. Felt not too bad. Fever was under control but cough was getting worse. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep when I have to literally wake up AND get up every hour to hack up the phlegm.

I cough so much that my abs hurt today.

June 16th
Work was fine. Fever stayed under control. Didn’t attack me all day – which is a good thing. Got home feeling good. Went out for dinner. Hokkien noodles. But I couldn’t eat much. But at least it’s more than I usually did for the past two weeks. The sauces started to irritate my throat.

Coughed so much my rib cage hurts. Got home. Still felt fine but rather tired. Took cough meds and slept till morning.

June 17th
Felt quite alright. Coughed so much the left side of my uterus hurts now.

Went to see the doctor just now. I’m still running a fever. Told her about what happened. She gave me more cough syrup, another five day course of antibiotics and some more fever tablets.

This is never ending.

I’m going insane

I don’t know how much more of this I can take

I want to kill myself… literally.

Colin asked “If you die what will I do?”

Frankly, go on doing what you did…. You’ve lived your life without me for 26 years. We’ve only been together less than 9 months. It won’t be too hard to wipe me off your slate. I’m too much of a burden right now.

I can’t even go near my girls just in case I pass on an infection or something like that to them.

I can’t lie down properly. I can’t sleep properly. I can’t snuggle up in bed comfortably.

I can’t even have a nice snuzzle because I always end up coughing and hacking if I get too comfortable in bed.

I just want this all to end….

I don’t care how

Tommy, Can You Hear Me Too?

My first pop crush was Thomas Alden Page. I hear a million people cry out... "Thomas who???"

Thomas Alden Page - more popularly known to the world as Tommy Page was one of the best singing sensations of the late 80s to the early 90s.

The first time I heard A Shoulder To Cry On, it blew me away (okay, I was only 6) but it hit something in me and I knew I had to find out more about the singer. Living in Malaysia, scouring for quality American music was hard I tell you. And especially at that age.

Two years later, "Paintings In My Mind" came out. I heard I'll Be Your Everything on the radio and oh my goodness, I totally melted there. Right there. In front of the radio. I begged mom to buy me the cassette (remember those? with those flip fold pages with all the lyrics and promo pictures) and I played the cassette so much that it drew my mom mad.


Needless to say I was hooked. Hooked onto this man 12 years older than I am. Granted I was less than 10, I was in love.

My cousin and myself used to lock ourselves in the room blasting I'll Be Your Everything out loud and dancing along to it like the ballerinas in the video. Man, those were good times....

I was much older when this album came out. I remember they gave away these heart shaped lockets with Tommy's signature on it and I was convinced that he wanted me to have one :) so I insisted on wearing it everywhere even to school (where jewelry is forbidden). I zealously kept it hidden and close to my heart. Unfortunately, since it was a marketing gimmick, it was some cheap material which gave me a rash. I very reluctantly took it off and didn't wear it.... although I did keep it in my purse so that I could peek at it every now and then~

It's been 20 years (wow time flies) since I've first heard Tommy... since I fell in love with Tommy and I still am...

This is in tribute to Tommy Can You Hear Me? Remembering Tommy Page

I read that a few months ago and Tommy still blows me away. I've always imagined him singing at my wedding (do you think it's possible?)

Tommy if you can hear me too.... I'm still very much in love with you :)

I am...

"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I’m out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

~Marilyn Monroe

oblivion

Ignorance is bliss. I've decided to make that my mantra this year... and not make a fuss outta things.

He forgot that it's the eighth month. I know for most guys these teeny things don't really matter but for us girls, it does.

Usually when it's an annivesary, I'll wish him in the morning. This time, I didn't mention anything on purpose... just to see if he'd remember.

Much as I had expected. He was oblivious to what the date/day was.

He formatted his PC - Chimaira... and then Chimaira was giving him problems the whole day up till night time.

So at 11-ish I got into bed and somehow fell asleep. He climbed in much later and snuggled in with me. I poked him on the chest and grunted. "Why baby?" I grunted, poked his chest again and mumbled... "You forgot..."

Silence.

"Happy belated 8th month hun..." and I can't remember what else happened after that... I must have snoozed off REALLY fast... hahaha