For those who have been reading... you would've noticed that I've got this huge issue about insecurity - especially when it comes to the pup and a particular bitch.
Then I came across Xiaxue's blog about Trust which is something I totally agree with.
This is a confession that I'm not entirely proud of and I will insist that I did it out of necessity.
When we first started our relationship, things were going perfect. I was still in Ipoh and he was studying in PJ. He'd come back EVERY chance he could - even if it was a weekday just to hang out. We would webcam almost 24/7 - except when I was at work or he was in class. Then one day that particular bitch came into our lives.
Since then, I had never been able to trust him fully.
Nah, I don't do that. Partly because the pup is a bit of a loner sometimes and seeing that we're both from the same group of friends, we pretty much hangout with the same crowd (unless if I'm having a girly night out). Although there was a time where I had this thing installed on our cell phones so that I could see where he was. It really did come in handy.
2. Keeping tabs
Not the best thing to really be doing, I'll tell you. But I've managed to keep tabs on what he does - I'm not going to tell you what it is but Xiaxue mentioned it a few times. And with him not knowing that I was actually keeping tabs was helpful because I could help prevent shit from happening.
Believe me, this has happened twice okay. And I can't begin to tell you how heart-breaking and distressing it is to know that someone you thought wouldn't break your heart - and he does it. And it wasn't even accidental.
3. Fresh bait
Yeah I'm pretty sure he won't go for fresh bait. This is because, from past experience, he goes for ex-gfs/flings. Why? I guess because it's easier - there's no need for a courtship and the whole get to know each other. You can just hop into bed.
So yes, I'm not worried about new people that he meets. Just his history - that's all.
In a way I'm not too worried because the pup and I are so connected - I can feel when shit is going to hit the ceiling - so I can always do something to stop it.
So no, even with all that we've been through, I still don't and won't trust him fully because it's true - trust has to be earned over time and unfortunately he knowingly broke it hoping I wouldn't find out.
It's strange isn't it... with all these stuff that's going on I somehow know that it's worth fighting for... :)
I got a call today from an agency asking me what time will I be arriving for their event. Which made me uber confuzzled <-- see? I love using this portmanteau!
The dude kept insisting that I RSVPed for the event and it's going to happen tonight at 6.30 and if I'd be there and I'm like "What the hell kind of event is this???"
So after a few more mins of wrestling information out of him, he told me to go check out this website.
*lightbulb* I asked "Would I be able to get a copy of the RSVP that I sent over?" because heck, I wanted to see proof!
THEN he tells me "Oh it was sent by post..."
I'm like "Dude I haven't stepped into a post office in ages... I'm pretty sure I didn't RSVP..."
"Yeah but I have your name in my database... it says you RSVPed 9.03am on February 25th..."
So for a moment, I thought okay... maybe I did RSVP for it... so I said I'll take a look at the website and asked if he could call back in an hour's time.
Looked at it... SO not my thing. He's so gonna get it when he calls back
It really has been a while since I've dreamt of her.
This morning was no different. She was flirting with my man as usual and for once I actually confronted her in her face.
She shrugged it off - it was as though she doesn't care. I know I might be biased but I'm quite sure she doesn't care. I can't help feeling that way, not after everything.
Yeah, so I asked why does she have to do this? Doesn't she feel any remorse or pity or guilt? Doesn't she worry that karma will come and bite her back in the ass and do the same to her what she's doing to me? What did I ever do to her?
It was as if she didn't hear me or refused to hear me. All she did was stare as I rambled and smiled.
Dissatisfied, that was what I was.
I knew I would never get an answer out of her.
Maybe she doesn't know the answer herself...
Anyways, the dream scene changed... I was talking to this python who apparently was kinda getting ambushed by two other snakes on either side. Instead of attacking them, he looked at me sheepishly and just sank its teeth in my foot.
Puppy and I were out grocery shopping when I saw a HUGE tub of miso paste and picked it up. In my defense, I've never seen such a huge tub before and I was kinda excited thinking of all the stuff I can cook with it.
He smirked while I was in my little reverie.
"What?" I said defensively.
"Nothing, it's just that when you see something Japanese, you go 'Uwaaaa' exactly like a Japanese... but when you see Chinese stuff, you go 'Wah!' like a Chinese... and I thought that was pretty interesting..."
It all started sometime early this year. I kept bumping into this guy who parks right next to me in the parking lot in the mornings. So since we park next to each other and see each other sometimes, we smile and nod our heads at each other.
Then one day, on my way to work, I saw a piece of paper stuck at my car door window. I walked closer and it was his calling card and he had written on it "Your neighbour"
At that point I tried to think of it as kind of like a nice gesture, he was trying to be friendly, that sorta thing. At the same time, alarms kinda went off in my head. So I asked a guy friend for his thoughts and which btw he blogged about it. Read it here.
In the end, out of courtesy (and naïveity I suppose) I emailed him to say hi and to introduce myself... and that was it. I haven't seen or heard from him since.
Yesterday morning, I realized that he has parked his car in the inside parking, because as I was walking from the lift lobby past the parking lot to get to the porch, his car drove by and stopped for me (and some other residents) at the pedestrian crossing. So since I recognized him, I just nodded and smiled.
Do you know what he did?
When I got to the car, I noticed a car stopping in front of mine. I look up and it was him. He had STOPPED HIS CAR. WOUND THE WINDOWS DOWN. YELLED OVER "HI CLAIRE!"
A little flattered but creeped out at the same time. I just flashed him a smile and said "Morning!" and got into my car a pronto!
Today... I get an email from him which reads "Hi... nice to see you again yesterday, we should meet for a drink sometime."
I had a strange dream last night. At one point it was as if the puppy and I had gotten our own place cuz we were throwing some sort of shower and there were gifts everywhere.
But somehow I was just feeling rather pissed at something and decided to kill myself.
Oddly, there were two of me – a physical and a spiritual me. The physical me looked a bit ethereal, wearing a white flowy dress and had short hair (like me circa 2007 with my short bob).
She hung a noose and calmly looped it around her neck and just sat with her legs crossed as though she was meditating. The spiritual me (which was the eyes that I was looking through) gave her a push. She swung to and fro as though on a swing.
After a bit I realized it wasn’t right and that ‘someone’ was coming home soon, so I quickly ran over to the physical me and helped her off the noose. By that time she was choking already.
There was one part where I saw Tris playing with Byte. She was trying to run away but he toyed with her. Every time she made it a certain distance, he would pick her up and put her back. The poor girl was running in circles non stop trying to escape.
It pissed me. So I went over to pick her up. The poor little girl was exhausted. Her breathing was erratic and she had run so much, her eyeballs were about to pop out. *sigh*
Then my dream switched to another scene. It looked like one of those floating markets in Bangkok except that it wasn’t. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.
There was a commotion on one end, so I inched my way through the crowds to see. Curiosity does kill the cat. All of a sudden every thing moved in slow motion. People around me moved away and were gasping and pointing at me. They looked like I just exploded.
I looked down and hmm they were right. A single stray bullet hit me in the midsection. Right below my ribcage and above my belly button. It was like I had two belly buttons.
Then everything went back to normal pace and people were screaming and running away. No one offered to help me.
Blood was gushing out of my wound. Instinctively I pressed on it to help stop the bleeding and staggered off.
I ended up in a shopping mall. My shirt was all bloodied at the midsection. There was a little burnt hole right where the bullet went through my top and into my body. My wound had stopped bleeding and I could see the bullet embedded in my stomach.
To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him.
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
To dream that you are hanging yourself, suggests that you are trying to escape from some guilt or fear. Consider also the image as a pun for something in your life which you have left hanging or unfinished.
To see your or someone else's pet in your dream, represents civilized instincts. You are keeping your temper in line. Alternatively, it indicates a need for love and acceptance. You are lacking attention from others and are feeling neglected. The pet may also be a pun for "petting" as in some sexual behavior.
To dream of being hit by a bullet, suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.
To see a wound in your dream, is symbolic of grief, anger, and distress. You are looking to be healed. Consider the location, size and type of wound. Alternatively, the dream may be metaphor suggests that you are "wound up" or tense about some situation.
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality, the touchstone, the command, my pivot.
I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
Anais Nin
I know this seems unlikely for a woman in this time and age.
The puppy showed me his reading this morning which he found to be rather accurate so he asked me to read it and see if I felt the same way too. His was actually much more accurate than mine.... anyways here's mine and his with my comments as well
Just to let you know, I was born on Feb 28 and am a Piscean whereas the Puppy was born on Nov 11 and is a Scorpion
This is mine...
Rising Sign is in 28 Degrees Scorpio
You tend to be quiet, reserved, secretive and, at times, quite difficult to understand. Others notice your deep emotions and feelings and wonder how to draw you out. Stubborn and tough, you fight for any position you believe in. You are very resourceful and formidable when you become angered or upset about something. You enjoy living life at the cutting edge -- for you life must be experienced intensely and totally. Quite courageous, you are willing to take calculated risks. Easily hurt by others, you often strike back with bitter sarcasm. Sensitive and curious, you are concerned with the deeper mysteries of human psychology. Once you have become interested in any subject, you pursue it with total fanaticism.
True, I am reserved and deeply emotional and when I like something a lot, I'll get all obsessive about it.
Sun is in 08 Degrees Pisces.
Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy, dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you may be quite psychic.
True, I do tend to get very emotional overwhelmed but it also depends on who is around me and yes I do cry easily.
Moon is in 26 Degrees Aries.
High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring.
Mercury is in 11 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.
Not too sure about the impartial thing. I feel rather biased about a lot of things and boycott whichever I don't to the fullest
Venus is in 28 Degrees Capricorn.
You tend to keep your feelings under control -- emotions are only released in serious or important situations. You are distrustful of others whose behavior could be judged excessive or immoderate. As such, you prefer to relate only to those who are older than you or to those whose position is such that respect and duty are more important for both of you than passion or emotional response. Be careful, however, of relationships that are merely based on practicality or utility or you will ultimately be lonely.
Very true, I don't let people know how I feel most of the time - partly because I don't think it's any of their business.
Mars is in 18 Degrees Libra.
You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.
No comment. It's neither here nor there
Jupiter is in 10 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.
True, I'm quite the inquisitive cat. It's partly my obsessions, if there's something I want to know, trust me. I can dig. Many can attest to this.
Saturn is in 21 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.
Very true, the moment I start to commit, that's when my life ends and focus is all on him, that's why I refuse to commit unless I'm sure. Once bitten twice shy, you know.
Uranus is in 04 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.
True, but then again we're Gen Y kids... of course we want to change the world
Neptune is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
True
Pluto is in 26 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
N. Node is in 21 Degrees Cancer.
You genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but you're at your best if you can do so from the comfort of your own home. You prefer others to come to you and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving your home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with you are struck by your caring and obliging nature -- you really make them feel at home. You form the closest ties, however, with members of your immediate family, especially your parents and children. You're at your best attending or organizing family reunions!
This is his... as you can there are several traits which are very similar. Well, of course we’re both water signs born in the same year.It shouldn’t be THAT all different... or at least that’s what I think.
Rising Sign is in 21 Degrees Scorpio
You tend to be quiet, reserved, secretive and, at times, quite difficult to understand. Others notice your deep emotions and feelings and wonder how to draw you out. Stubborn and tough, you fight for any position you believe in. You are very resourceful and formidable when you become angered or upset about something. You enjoy living life at the cutting edge -- for you life must be experienced intensely and totally. Quite courageous, you are willing to take calculated risks. Easily hurt by others, you often strike back with bitter sarcasm. Sensitive and curious, you are concerned with the deeper mysteries of human psychology. Once you have become interested in any subject, you pursue it with total fanaticism.
Sun is in 17 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!
Moon is in 08 Degrees Virgo.
You tend to be serious-minded but cheerful for the most part. You need tasks that engage both your mind and your hands. A careful worker, you enjoy making things. You are neat and orderly, and are very concerned with good health habits. Fastidious to the extreme, you cannot tolerate messes and will immediately clean them up. Reserved, shy, and very self-critical, you tend to be very hard on yourself. You usually will go out of your way to be helpful and useful to others. Practical, reliable, efficient and conservative, at times you are a bit of a prude. You are known to lead a simple, uncomplicated, frugal, methodical and unemotional lifestyle. You are devoted and caring to those you love.
Mercury is in 11 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.
Venus is in 18 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings about others are deep, powerful, intense and complex. When you like someone, you do so totally and obsessively if you do not like someone, they do not exist. Your faithfulness and loyalty to your lover is unquestioned, indeed at times it is too much so -- you get so possessive that you almost smother your partner. At times, your feelings are kept deep within you and, because they are so complex and intense, they frighten you -- this is the way that you try to ignore them. But the more you try to do this, the more explosive things get when you eventually do express them.
Mars is in 06 Degrees Capricorn.
Extremely ambitious, you are willing to work very hard to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Very practical, cautious and conservative, you demand tangible results for your efforts. You need to excel in whatever you do, and you have the required sense of responsibility, dedication and self-discipline to bring it about. Beware of your tendency to judge others only by their degree of status and prestige, or by how well they will be able to advance you in your climb to the top.
Jupiter is in 20 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what you know is really very valuable to others.
Saturn is in 27 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.
Uranus is in 03 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.
Neptune is in 25 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 27 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
N. Node is in 05 Degrees Cancer.
You genuinely enjoy meeting other people, but you're at your best if you can do so from the comfort of your own home. You prefer others to come to you and tend to feel uncomfortable about leaving your home or neighborhood for any extended period of time. Those who do come in contact with you are struck by your caring and obliging nature -- you really make them feel at home. You form the closest ties, however, with members of your immediate family, especially your parents and children. You're at your best attending or organizing family reunions!
The puppy came to pick up his assignment from me the other day, so I went downstairs to pass it to him when he called.... the security guard was standing outside and I'm like 'Oh crap...' cuz well, you know... the whole office grapevine thing.... uber fast. I mean, I don't really mind it too much but sometimes things just go way outta hand.
I looked out... he had his whole 'I'm so cool' thing going on.... he had my aviator sunnies on(one of the many things of mine which he has claimed his), his cap and with one arm sticking out the window looking gangsta in the Volvo in the carp ark.... so I walked over and when he saw me, he gave me a really toothy cheesy smile.... yadda3x had a little convo with him there, passed him his assignment... kissed bye... and he went off.
The moment I walked back towards the building... the security guard gave me a 'Ah hah...' smile as if he knows my secret or something then he asked "Melayu ke?" Is he Malay?
*facepalm*
"Bukan lah... dia Serani..."
No, he's Eurasian
"Oh tapi I tengok muka dia macam Melayu,"
Oh but then he looks like a Malay
This is like trying to defend your own name with ppl who have mistaken you for someone else on the phone insisting you ARE that person sorta nonsense..........
*sigh* Would I not know if that's not my name? Would I not know that he's NOT Malay?
Wtf is up with you people being so damned indignant?
Melayu ke? Yeah lah, you orang Melayu kadang kala sangat bodoh :P
